angelic dreamer's blog: "jokes"

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No baseball No football No hockey No golf No tailgate parties No Wal-Mart No Home Depot No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No gumbo No jambalaya No Beer Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on! NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doi! n' abou t 125 mph to keep up w ith me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

1. Ms. Gold-Digger Advantages a. You have some one to manage your money. b. She always looks good. c. She makes your other niggas jealous. d. She makes you look good. Disadvantages a. When you get broke she'll be gone and take what you have left. b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support. c. Once your nigga comes up she'll be on his arm the next day. 2. Ms. Freak (secret lover) Advantages a. She knows all the right positions. b. She'll try everything more than once. c. You're never unsatisfied. d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do. e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as she catches one too. Disadvantages a. Eventually, b/c she's a female, she'll end up catching feelings. b. She starts to act like she's your "main". c. She fucks wit ya boy and act like you in the wrong for telling her that she's a freak. d. Eventually her shit gets old. And you need a replacement. 3. Ms. Independent Advantages a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She got it. b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident and determined. c. She's great for (business) conversation. d. She keeps it real and has goals. e. She knows how to please a man. Disadvantages a. She will continuously let you know, that she can handle it on her own. b. She will eventually say fuck you and get a dildo. c. She will consider you another one her play toys, or goals. 4. Ms. Dyme Advantages a. She's top of the line. b. She stays looking like a fantasy. c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match. d. She considers herself a "model" e. Gets you on hard whenever you see her. f. All the girls envy her, but she doesn't care. Disadvantages a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks. b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks. c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not her personality is dry. d. You have to constantly keep your game up b/c every nigga is gonna try to get her. 5. Ms. Tomboy Advantages a. She's cool and laid back. b. She'll be willing to play rough with you. c. Of course, she loves sports. d. Her body is athletically divine. e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around. f. She's a diamond in the rough. Disadvantages a. She'll remind you too much of your nigga. b. She might not want to change her appearance. c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football and track. 6. Ms. Ghetto Advantages a. She's not afraid of any other female or male. She will fight to keep you. b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail. c. She's always stays fresh. d. She can cook up a storm. She can make the best out of a bad situation. e. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied. Disadvantages a. She doesn't know how to act in public. b. Your mama can't stand her. c. You get into with her every other second. d. She's willing to fight another girl looking at you or her PERIOD. e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal. 7. Ms. Good Girl Advantages a. She's always there for you. b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet and cool. c. Your mother loves her.d. You can see yourself falling in love with her. e. You are her first everything. f. She makes you feel like a man. Disadvantages a. She's an A or B situation either: A. You're not gonna get any until ya'll are married or B. She said she's never done - she said she's never tried - she's sitting there telling a muthafukkin' lie. 8. Ms. Main Advantages a. She is the one you respect. b. She probably may know about the others but might not care. c. She has all the qualities you want in a female. d. You've been with her forever. Disadvantages a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment. b. She will devise a plan to catch you in your act and then kick your ass 9. Ms. Psycho Advantages a. She's fun and spontaneous. b. She's down to earth. c. She loves you unconditionally. d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her. e. She makes you feel loved. Disadvantages a. Don't you break up with her. She will stalk your ass. b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you. c. She can manipulate the hell out of you. d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side. e. Fuckin' with her can make your life a living hell. 10. Ms. I have a Man Advantages a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway. b. She looks good. c. You have an intense night of passion with her. Disadvantages a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man. b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you anyway for her man. c. If you piss her off she'll get her man to come beat your ass. d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man. 11. Ms. Tease Advantages a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy. b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable and SEXXXXXXY. c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you. d. Everything she does is just so sensual. e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it. f. Every time you see her you catch a mini orgasm. g. Every nigga wants her b/c she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first. Disadvantages a. NO matter what you think or do you never get it. b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about. c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that. (Unbearable) 12. MRS. RIGHT Advantages a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme she is Beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions. b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy. c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's. d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body. e. She believes in God and follows his virtues. f. She knows that a relationship requires a 200% quota yet she gives her man an extra 10%. g. She can please her man in anyway. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually. h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you. i. She's always there for, no matter what your dreams are. j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight. k. You can talk to her and confide in her, she's your best friend. l. You love being around her more than your boys. m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex. n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever. o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your *bleep*. But she's also intelligent enough to leave. p. She's nothing like any other girl you've met. She's your woman. Disadvantage a. You've probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone