15400's blog: "Jokes!!!"

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking u! p people . EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying ________________________________________ Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!! > >When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with >their tedious diatribes about how hard things were >when they were growing up; what with walking >twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill >BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda > > >And I remember promising myself >that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going >to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how >hard I had it and how easy they've got it! > >But now that... > >I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around >and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! >I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a **** Utopia! >And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't know >how good you've got it! > >I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. >If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the >**** library and look it up ourselves, in the card >catalog!! > >There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody >a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the >way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it >would take like a week to get there! > >There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had >to hitchhike to the **** record store >and shoplift it yourself! > > >Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the >DJ'd usually >talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! > >We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the >phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! > >And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When >the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could >be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your >drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't >know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! > >We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games >with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the >Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and >"asteroids" and the graphics sucked ****! Your guy was >a little square! You actually had to use your >imagination! And there were no multiple >levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! >And you could never win. The game just kept getting >harder and harder and faster and faster until you >died! . Just like LIFE! > >When you went to the movie theater there no such thing >as stadium seating! All the seats were the same >height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat >sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were >just screwed! > >Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was >only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu >and no remote control! You had to use a little book >called a TV Guide to find out what was on! > >You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You >had to get off your **** and walk over to the TV to >change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network >either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday >Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to >wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little >rat-****s! > >And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat >something up . we had to use the stove or go build a >frigging fire ... >imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use >that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove >forever like an idiot. > >That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids >today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. > >You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in >1980! > > >Regards, >The over 30 Crowd

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day of work and still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no .9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a .9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) (a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

VOOODOOOO DICK There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"