Oldman's blog: "Jokes"

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS BAND AIDS ROLL AIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

"Don't laugh!" said the patient George. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," George said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," George replied

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

THE 2007 SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR AWARDS< FONT> SMART ARSED ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ARSED ANSWER 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ARSED ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." SMART ARSED ANSWER 3 The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it... Cars are backed up for miles... Finally, a police car comes up... The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!" SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE ! A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. Please scroll down....................... "I put drops in her eyes."

The Hormone Guide Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE: What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine . 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff And my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,"Honor thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested." Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested." Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." There, that should offend just about everybody…………

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . 'YES. YES, I DID.' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, . . . 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

New Words for 2008 * SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. * CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. * SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'. * SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. * AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. * AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. * OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). * GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. * MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. * MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. * BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . * BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. * TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female * PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks