Oldman's blog: "Jokes"

Interesting Human Body Facts: The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm "My insurance will pay for Viagra but not birth contol..go figure! Less is more?" A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. "BULL-LONEY, mine is the size of a Kumquat" It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. "That is the same amount of time it takes to turn to fat too." One human hair can support 3 kg. "HAH...I'd love to see my hair support this frame" Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. "Yep, they have to be to support this second person I carry. I ate my skinny inner person." The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples "So I no longer have to blame Sara Lee?." The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. "Be right back...looking for a flashlight and yard stick. Hubby is asleep." A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. ( unless, of course, she is standing naked in front of him ) "My heart beats faster when I look at myself naked. Doesn't fear do that?" If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. "You call that achievement? If I don't shave often my leg hair would be the same inside a month!" Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair "Looks like my hubby is safe then. Course the hair on his head has slid down his back." There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. "On my feet? Obviously you never smelled my son's old tennis shoes." Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch. "Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. 3 of my fat cells span 2,000 inches." Women blink twice as much as men. "Let them wear makeup one day and see how many times they blink." The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain. "Looks like I'm thick skinned and brainless." When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. They do the same when you are looking at someone you hate! "Hmmm, there are times I love and hate my hubby at the same time so how does that work?" It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it. "And I hold the record for muscle turning to fat. So what do I win?" Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. "Then my kids must have lived in fear growing up." Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. "And it take everyone to hold this body up too." If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. "So when I have no taste does that mean I have a dry mouth?" The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. "Not in this household. On my tip toes I can see my hubby's bald head. I never say bald as that might hurt him...I just tell him it's a solar panel for lovers." Did you learn something new?

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below . ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

The sharing of marriage... The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (Continue below - This is great) 'THE TEETH.'

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. _________________

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waist band. because I care I share Love to all and keep on the look out I just pray I am not to late !!!

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at “least one unstable person” To show you care. Well . . . my job is done. Your turn!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nine words women use... 1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7..) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying STUFF YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!