FM Mrs Hellsgate1love's blog: "jokes"

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for? When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over. When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer? When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper! When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole! People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out! Can you answer the following question? 1. The word has seven letters... 2. Preceded God... 3. Greater than God... 4. More Evil than the devil... 5. All poor people have it... 6. Wealthy people need it... 7. If you eat it, you will die. Did you figure it out? The Answer is: Scroll down to the answer! The Answer is NOTHING! NOTHING has 7 letters. NOTHING preceded God. NOTHING is greater than God. NOTHING is more Evil than the devil. All poor people have NOTHING. Wealthy people need NOTHING. If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a gun on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a > while they got to know > >each other so well, they decided to get married. > >One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the > other the groom broom. > > > >The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white > dress. The groom broom > >was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding > was lovely. > > > >After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the > bride-broom leaned over and > >said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to > have a little whisk > >broom!!!" > >"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. > >Are you ready for this? > >Brace yourself; this is going to hurt. > >"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" > >Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. > Life's too short not to > >enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and > clean jokes > >Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" > around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French Fries and one Drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French Fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bits of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered....................... ''THE TEETH."