FM Mrs Hellsgate1love's blog: "jokes"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office > > whose job it was to > > process all the mail that had illegible > > addresses. > > > > One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky > > handwriting to God with no > > actual address. He thought he should open it > > to see what it was about. > > > > The letter read: > > > > "Dear God, > > > > > > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very > > small pension. Yesterday > > someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, > > which was all the money I > > had until my next pension check. > > > > Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited > > two of my friends over for > > dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to > > buy food with. I have no > > family to turn to, and you are my only hope. > > > > Can you please help me? > > > > Sincerely, > > Edna > > > > The postal worker was touched. He showed the > > letter to all the other > > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet > > and came up with a few > > dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he > > had collected $96, which > > they put into an envelope and sent to the > > woman. > > > > The rest of the day, all the workers felt a > > warm glow thinking of Edna > > and the dinner she would be able to share > > with her friends. > > > > Christmas came and went. > > > > A few days later, another letter came from > > the same old lady to God. > > All the workers gathered around while the > > letter was opened. > > > > It read, > > > > "Dear God, > > > > How can I ever thank you enough for what you > > did for me? Because of > > your gift of love, I was able to fix a > > glorious dinner for my friends. > > We had a very nice day and I told my friends > > of your wonderful gift. > > > > By the way, there was $4 missing. > > > > I think it must have been those bastards at > > the Post Office

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one >>woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided >>that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They >>weren't able to decide on that person, until the woman gave a very >>touching speech. >> >>She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a >>woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or >>for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices, with little >>in return. >> >>As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping. >> >>SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO >>SMILE ABOUT TODAY! >>

Chili Cook Off If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. (I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same for you!!! If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: ***************************************************** CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ***************************************************** CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ***************************************************** CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. ***************************************************** CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ***************************************************** CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ***************************************************** CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. ***************************************************** CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ***************************************************** CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..." If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.