Chelle FE to GrapeApe's blog: "jokes"

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 14. Stop singing and read on ... 15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Robert, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Robert said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Brian, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?" He shouted "I'm looking for loopholes!"

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say any thing about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish. 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch. Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the op of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Penis request for raise: I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends off or public holidays. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Dear Penis, After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always wear protective clothing. You'll retire well before reaching 65. You're unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And, if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management