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TwistedDream's blog: "JOKES"

created on 03/16/2009  |  http://fubar.com/jokes/b285590
Body: On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Doctor Says

the doctor says "This should be taken care of right away. " I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself. "Welllllll, what have we here..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue. "We'll see. " First I have to check my malpractice insurance. "Let me check your medical history. " I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week. " I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor. " I hate those guys mooching in on our fees. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. " Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot. ) "We have some good news and some bad news. " The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops. " Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests. " I have a 40% interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you. " He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune. "How are we today?" I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug. " I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call. " I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound. " I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little. " Last week two patients bit through their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" I can't remember your name, nor why you are here. "This should fix you up. " The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms. "Everything seems to be normal. " I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests. " I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees. "Why don't you slip out of your things. " I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment. " I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. "There is a lot of that going around. " My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

Apartment For Rent

APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. ' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: >> 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large. ' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: ' Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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