Piney's blog: "JOKES"

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Ironhorse Writer
12/09/2003

 

His bright red suit sports fluffy white trim
Not quite obese but a far cry from slim
Calf high boots all shiny and black
Totes a world of toys in a magical sack
 

He rides a custom sleigh scoot
Flames on each side
Not a horse-powered ride
It’s a Reindeer Glide
 

‘Cause Santa’s a Biker
‘Big Daddy’ of cool
First page, chapter one
In the ‘Book of Old School’
 

Got a curvy ‘ol lady
Who helps the cause
On those North Pole nights
She supports ‘The Clause’
 

He hangs with a group called ‘Elves MC’
All bad to the bone, all three foot three
Fillin’ the orders, loadin’ the sleigh
Hittin’ the eggnog while the Big Guy’s away
 

There are those who would doubt
Say, Santa’s’ not real
But, for we who ride
He’s the genuine deal
 

‘Cause Santa’s a Biker
‘Big Daddy’ of cool
First page, chapter one
In the ‘Book of Old School’
 

Believe with your heart
Not with your head
See as the child
In a hospital bed
 

For thunder on the street
Is their rooftops click, click, click
As each and every Toy Run
Affirms faith in ‘Ol Saint Nick
 

Yes, Santa is a Biker
And should you not believe
Ask the child in the hospital bed
On any Christmas Eve

When Love Fades....... A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb ? He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "F*ck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the dog

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flyingon Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy. Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, LOOK HOW BIG AND FAT THAT LADY IS!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

On a very hot summer day, a woman notices a neighbor lady struggling in the heat to mow the lawn while her husband sits on the porch in the shade drinking a nice cold beer. She becomes furious and heads over and confronts the man. "You inconsiderate bastard, you should be hung" The man replies, "I am, that's why she's mowing the grass!"

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job" She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that. No.1 you have to be single, and No.2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm a Catholic too ." The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party. "