You Annoy Me's blog: "Jokes"

Broke-back Spider A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought abouther seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied. What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment..then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your stomach is bigger than mine. ___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy shoes by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you big boy?" comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the faithful check. ___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: looks do matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Transubstantiate Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk: Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type No kebab for me, thank you Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? I'm not interested in fighting you. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

10. I think of you as a brother... You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance." 9. There's a silent difference in our ages... I don't want to date my Dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way... You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now... I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys. 6. I've got a boyfriend... I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work... I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system,' much less the same building. 4. It's not you, it's me... It's you. 3. I'm concentrating on my career... Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. 2. I'm celibate... I've sworn off only the men like you. 1. Let's be friends... I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with.

Chad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last personthat I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. Idon't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totallystrange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can sayor do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry, Beth - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Beth, Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuckhim" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, goldenretrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect asyour average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know. PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email. Talk to you never, Chad