CrazyFrog37's blog: "Jokes"

My Prays an Thought's go out to everyone who has lost someone or had something Taken from them on this day 11/9/01 though it has been now 6yrs it still makes me cry an wonder "WHY" this was done for? So My Prayes an Thought's are with you all. Bye for now Your Good Friend Brian Kelly. Here in Australia.

Hi To all my friends an new friends on Cherry Tap an new comers. WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY AN SAFE 4TH JULY FOR TOMORROW YOUR GOOD FRIEND AN MATE ON CT CRAZYFROG37.
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This is GOOD..I expect it back too! I especially like the last Sentence!!!!!! A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens Your Refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit Weird Shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!) A simple friend has never seen you cry A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems. A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you! A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you! Pass this on to anyone you care about......if you get it back you have no beginning, no end and it keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends. Today I pass this on to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to You...

Rules from God for 2007 1. Wake Up !! Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalms 118:24 2 Dress Up !! The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7 3 . Shut Up!! Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3 4. Stand Up!!... For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10 5 Look Up !!... To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 6. Reach Up !!... For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, a cknowledge Him, And He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6 7 Lift Up !!... Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything; Instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6 Send this to the people you care about. I thought this was mighty special, just like you. Pass this on and brighten someone's day, and remember: God answers Knee-Mail.

> NOAH 2005 > In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Brisbane, > and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and > I > see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of > every > living thing along with a few good humans." > He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark > before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". > Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his > yard.... > but no Ark. > "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" > "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. > I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the Brisbane City > Council > (BCC) and their inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My > neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by > building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. > We had to go to the BCC who deferred the matter to Court for a decision. > Then Energex demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving > power > lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's > move to the sea. > I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing > of > it. > The Department of Harbours and Marine insisted the Ark be certified by > Lloyds before allowing me to move it. > Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees > in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the > environmentalists > that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started > gathering > the animals, an animal rights group sued me. > They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As > well, > they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and > inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. > Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an > environmental impact study on your proposed flood and I'm still trying to > resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many > minorities > I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. > Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to > hire > only Union workers with Ark building experience, in addition to a Site > Safety Officer and a Union Delegate. > To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm > trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. > So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to > finish > this Ark." > Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow > stretched > across the sky. > Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You are not going to > destroy > the world?". > "No," said the Lord. "Beattie and his Government beat me to it." >

A keen but struggling tennis player was talking about his game: When I’m about to serve, my brain sends a command to my body: “ Hit the ball hard and deep, and then race into position for the next shot!” But my body says, “ WHO? ME?” ********* A WIFE POINTED TO HER HUSBAND STREACHED OUT ON A DECKCHAIR IN THE BACKYARD: “ He generally takes things easy. He doesn’t go bush-walking or bird-watching, for instance. He prefers to let the birds come and watch him.” ******** PARKING SPACE: unoccupied space on the other side of the street.

A young man had just passed his driving test and he asked his father if he could use the family car. His father said, “ on one condition – that you first get your hair cut.” The young man wondered what he could say to persuade his father that long hair was okay. Then he had a brain- wave. He said, “ But Dad! A lot of great men had long hair. What about the people in the Bible? Samson had long hair and Moses had long hair and even Jesus had long hair!” His father answered, “ Yes and everywhere they went, they walked!” ******** A man told his barber he was thinking of going to Rome to see the Pope. However, the barber was rather discouraging. “ That’d be expensive! And when you got there, you’d probably find the hotel was some run – down old place. And you couldn’t be sure you’d see much of the Pope, either. You could end up a long way away, at the back of the crowd!” The man was somewhat deflated by the barber’s comments but he took the trip anyway. When he got back he was pleased to be able to tell the barber that it all went well. “ We got a discount fare, so it wasn’t that expensive, and the hotel had just been done up! Then, best of all, when we went to see the Pope, we managed to get a spot at the front of the crowd and the Pope came over and spoke to us!” The Barber said: “ that’s extraordinary! What did he say?” “ Not a lot, but he ask me one question. He said to me, “ Where did you get that awful haircut?” ********** Customer in a shoe repair shop: “ I just found this ticket for a pair of shoes I left here in 2004. I don’t suppose you’ve still got them.” Shoe Repairman: “ They should be ready Friday.” ******** TOO MUCH TALK? It would take him three hours to tell you he’s a man of few words. In his view, free speech is not so much a right as a continuous obligation. She has bought dozens of books on how to speak in public. What she really needs is one on how to shut up. It’s a question of income and expenditure. His expenditure of word’s is greater than his income of ideas. ************* Holidays: a time when people find out where to stay away from next year. ******** He’s at work for eight hours and sleeps for eight hours. His boss is firing him because they are the same eight hours. ********** You know you’re getting older when … • You look forward to a dull evening. • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. • Dialling an overseas phone number wears you out. • Your back goes out more than you do. ********** SURGEON: “ I want you to know in advance that I’m in favour of getting my patients up and around very quickly. Three hours after surgery you will sit up, five hours later you will stand up, and the next morning you will walk around on the nurse’s arm. That afternoon you will start to walk again unaided.” PATIENT: “ All right. I guess you know what you’re doing. I just have one request.” SURGEON: “ What’s that?” PATIENT: “ Would it be okay if I lie down for a little while during the operation?” *********

A man dies and he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says to him: “ Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good thing’s you’ve done and I will give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can come in.” “Okay, “ the man says. “ I was married to the same women for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.” “ That’s wonderful,” says St Peter, “ that’s worth 3 points! “ “ Three Points?” the man exclaims. “ Well, I attended church all my life and I was as regular contributor to the plan giving.” “ Terrific!” says St Peter. “ That’s certainly worth a point.” “ One Point?”! Let me see, what else did I do? I use to help in a shelter for the homeless.” “ Fantastic!” says St Peter. “ That’s good for 2 more points.” “ Two points?!” Exasperated, the man gives a big sigh and says, “ At this rate it’ll only be the grace of God that I ever get into heaven!” “ Bingo!” says St Peter. “ That’s 100 points! Come on in!” ********* An absent-minded professor stopped to talk to one of his students. Then he asked, “ Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?” “ That way,” the student pointed. “ Good,” the professor said, “ that means I’ve had lunch. ********* He: “ Did you see how pleased Mrs Smith was when I told her she didn’t look a day older than her daughter?” She: “ I didn’t really notice. I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter’s Face.” ********** My husband is on a strict diet – bananas and coconuts. He’s not losing any weight, but you should see him climb a tree ! Stealing ideas from one person is called “ plagiarism”. Stealing ideas from many people is called “research”. ******** A friend of mine runs a pawnshop and I was curious what he might offer for my grandfather’s old violin. After looking at it for a few moments, he said, “ Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid.” I asked, “ What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?” He answered, “ If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin, but if I am buying it from you, it’s a fiddle.” ************ Wife: “ I think the dry climate would disagree with me.” Husband: “ It wouldn’t dare.” ******** Surly customer: “ Do you serve crab in this place?” Waiter: “ Yes, sir. What can I get you?” ******** A sales manager gave his new salesman a detailed schedule for his first sales trip. “ Be at the airport by & am for the 7.30 flight to Sydney. When you get to Sydney, you should have time for a cup of coffee. Then by 9.15 you should be catching a taxi to the client’s office.” At 9.14 the sales manager received a text message. “ Still waiting in line for coffee. What should I do now?” *********

A man was extremely overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “ I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,” he told Him. “Do this for two weeks. Then next time I see you, you should Have lost a few kilo’s. When the man came back two weeks later, he had lost 10 kilos. “That’s amazing!” the doctor said. “And you did this just by Following that simple diet plan?” The man nodded. “I’ll tell you, though , I thought I was going to drop Dead the third day.” “ From hunger, you mean?” the doctor asked. “ No, from skipping!” ***** A women was driving her nine-year-old granddaughter to a Music lesson. The granddaughter said, “Grandma, thanks so much for giving me A ride when I need to go somewhere. When I’m eighteen and I can’t Drive, I’ll take you wherever you want to go… if you’re still alive.” ***** A restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters That said, “ Open on Sundays”. The church answered with its own message: “ We’re open on Sundays Too!” ***** Every year there is a football match between the accounts Department and the marketing department and every year The accounts department wins. But you would hardly have Known this if you had read the marketing department’s Report on this year’s game. The spin doctors got to work and put out this memo: “ The marketing department is pleased to announce that For the 2006 football season, we came in second place, Having lost only one game all year. The accounts department, However, had a dismal season, winning only one game.” ******* A CHILD’S LETTER TO GOD. Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the Whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I Can never do it. ******* There was an undertaker who used to sign his letters: “ Eventually yours”. ****** Coach: someone who will gladly lay down your life for the Sake of the team. *******

>AUSSIE FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full >support of their parents. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that >nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room for >the newlyweds at home. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings a nice >bunt Cake and you sip coffee and chat. > > >WOG FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings 3 days >worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange >the furniture. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over >to visit them and it's usually only on special occasions. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come >over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the >trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you >always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after >you pick them up. > > >WOG FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they >get out of line the WOG friend can set them straight...plus they get >fed. > > > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow >pages when they need something done. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for >another dad's Or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal, U know what I >mean. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and >expect cake and coffee, no more. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect >an antipasto, a few bottles of wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, >bread, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few >after dinner drinks... > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Think that being a wog is a great >thing. > > >WOG FRIENDS: KNOW that being a wog is a great thing. > > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Never ask for food > > >WOG FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Call your parents mum and dad. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: know a few things about you. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Are for a while. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Are for life. > > >AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will ignore this. > > >WOG FRIENDS: Will share this with other wog friends.