I just need to write this to get the millions of thoughts and ideas in my head out there! I dont know what I want...Im in school and yes its fun and all but do I really want to cook the rest of my life? Im sick and tired of being in the same place the same area and just bored to death with where my life so far has taken me. Yes my addictions have caused these circumstances and at times I wish I could undue them but I can't, just gotta keep moving on. But move on to what? Sort of limited in options in my life currently but even when that is all said and done in a years time what then? Stay here feeling obligated to take care and help someone who has done all that and much more for me since I was an infant or finally go it alone in life and see what it brings me? Shit that scares the hell out of me more than anything...not the fact that I don't know but what if I do it wrong...whatever "it" is? I do not want to go back to my addictions and former lifestyle but everywhere I turn they call me and are nearly inches away from me pulling me towards them no matter how much I restrain or refrain I feel that this battle may be lost someday. This shield I hold up high against not only the demons around me but to protect others from myself from may come out of me. Am I downright evil in my soul or do all the people in this world struggle with them and keep them at bay such as I do? Is life really just a game that when it ends you get to roll the dice again and do it once more as another test to see if finally that time you get it right? If so then can't I do as I please now and worry in another life? I want to get away do things and experience things I have never done but always wanted to do ... go to places I have never seen and really SEE life in others the way I think it should be for me. Nothing much more for me where I am now, drained almost all my resources and those that are there not even sure I want. Day in and day out routine after routine I feel as I just walk through life like a zombie no matter how smart I may think I am perhaps I'm just as dumb as everyone else and it doesn't matter what is said/done/expressed ... learn your lessons and don't repeat them or they will continue to follow and haunt you all your days. Am I to be alone in my later years the twilight of my days wondering and wishing if I had done it different I wouldn't have gotten what I so secretly dreamed of having as a youth ... careful what you wish for right? Loners are too lonely and those with friends never feel quite belonging no matter how happy they are. Breathing life moment by moment but for what I ask? What is it that I am here for and supposed to do? Tell me show me point me in the right direction...Ive had my back to it long enough and ready I am to face it...cept I don't know which direction to face. Too smart for my own good, own worst enemy, too dumb to figure out how to change these things that like a shadow I can never get rid of. Being sober makes me realize these things ... the pink cloud has lifted and left a hazy path ahead of me...hazier than any time ever under the influence. Not quite sure what first step to take yet have to put on a show of confidence to all that I know finally what I am doing when I feel lost more so now than ever. No need to even worry if I make others happy how do I become finally truly happy for myself...within myself? Women, money, job, car, things needed, things wanted but no reason to even have, show off and show down...everyday with myself looking in that mirror. Perhaps I may look better but wherever I look nothing to be found. Scratching my head gives me scars yet no one stops and asks what is going on? Would I even share if that happened or just pretend and move on? If you read this thanks
~Chris
