americangirlsrule's blog: "life out there"

A piece of my life. (chapter 1 incomplete) 3 am: Oh gosh is he awake again. It seems like I just put him to sleep. Well I better get up before his crying wakes up his sister. (after rocking the infant back to sleep and feeding him lays back down in bed) Geez how did I possibly get here. I'm 20 with two kids (2 1/2, Sara and 9mo. Logan) barely not living on the streets. Although my life has been a lot worse before. I had so much potential and very high values. I didn't grow up poor or in this life style, but some how I got here... Aw.. Yes I remember it now. It seems like it was a life time ago. I was 12 and the world was mine for the taking. I was very innocent and well mannered. However it was time for the hormones to kick in. Bobby socks and sun dresses weren't going to impress my peers. So I traded them in for baggy jeans and form fitting shirts. Now we were cool. We were in the lime light. The loudest and the rowdiest. Obsessed with flirting and boys. We had to be the center of attention. Walking down the halls, We'd have conversations from one end to the other end of the conversation. Randomness was our key. We'd always keep you on your toes just waiting for us to do something new. No one would ever suspect I was scared to death of my sister. She was a cool 8th grader. Bigger and badder then us 6th graders. She was so (not) cool that her and her friends thought it would be a fabulous time to get drunk everyday at school and then right after school come find me. I love my sister very much and Thank God she's not the person she use-to be. She would come find me to beat up on me like it was a fun game. She was twice my size and I was submissive. A real bully. All her friends would stand around and laugh. Only when I cried would she finally stop and walk away laughing. Sibling rivalry is what they called it, but it was so much more then that. I never yelled back or tried to fight, just took the beating. I tried once to tell my parents, but they pretty much laughed in my face. Who would believe me that my sister was a abusive monster. She won every event she completed in, straight A student, A team sports, and science fair winner. She was Almost perfect. Several months past. My sister was planning the party of the year and I had the inside scoop. I patiently waited and listened to every detail over several weeks of their planing. The day came of the party. It was Friday and I had a plan. I called my mom from the school midday to warn her of my sisters drunken festivities plan for that evening. She laughed at me! I pushed the issue and she swore she would look into it. After school we went to my sister's friend's house as we did every day after school. I sat quietly and watched them drug her friend's mom by putting sleeping aids in her soda. My mom came to pick me up, but of course my sister was spending the night. I told my mom. Again, she laughed at me. I was mad. I was going to get them caught if I had to call the cops myself. This was my chance to expose them of there drinking and hopefully the punishment would stop the beatings. Yes, success! Around 11pm that night I begged my mom to call and check up on my sister. No one answered the phone. My mom went over there to check on them only to find half the 8th grade and a couple High schoolers drunk and the mother asleep. I was relieved. It was finally over... so I thought. She knew immediately that I was the one that blow the horn on the party. Her and her flying monkeys were out for revenge. I got constantly harassed and beat up. It was ridiculous. I loved school, but as soon as that school bell rang to go home I knew I had to find something to do for 2 hours before some would be there to pick me up. Then my parents started going to the “club” almost every other night. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. No one would listen. Everyone who hadn't witnessed it first hand believed I was a liar. “She'd never do anything like that” Now the beatings weren't just happening at school it had flowed over to home. I needed an escape. Between getting beat up all the time and trying to not let it interfere with my new reputation I was exhausted. Always waiting for tomorrow to bring something better, but always being disappointed. My parents were off drinking every night and my sister every day. The idea of drinking gave me a stomach ache. I hated it being around me. Anytime anyone at school mentioned drinking I was on the defense. I was blaming alcohol on all my problems. No one helping me, the abuse. I felt like I was in a damp dark hole that had a slight leak of light far above my head, just enough to tease me. I was tired and wanted everything to go back to the way life was when I was a little kid. The beauty of imagination and innocence. How could this world be so cruel. I hadnt done anything wrong. Yet! I had to find a way to get some breathing room.

A peice of my life. I just wanted to share a brief peice of my life with the youth out there I have written my life down in hopes to encourage todays youth to make good decision and when things do go wrong it isnt the end. Life does go on and they can get back to good 3 am: Oh gosh is he awake again. It seems like I just put him to sleep. Well I better get up before his crying wakes up his sister. (after rocking the infant back to sleep and feeding him lays back down in bed) Geez how did I possibley get here. I'm 20 with two kids (2 1/2, Sara and 9mo. Logan) barely not living on the streets. Although my life has been alot worse before. I had so much potential and very high values. I didnt grow up poor or in this life style, but some how I got here... Aww.. Yes I remember it now. It seems like it was a life time ago. I had just turned 17. Me and my boy friend had just gotten into a huge fight and it looked like it was actually over for good this time. I was crying on my bed around 10pm friday night. He had taken his promise ring off and fung it at me. We had been together for over a year. He was the guy I had given everything to. My first real relationship. The man I lost my virginity to. I had taken several pregnancy test in the previous days and they were all negative. So I was pretty well convinced that I was in fact not pregnant. Well crying on my bed I had gotten this aweful feeling in my stomach and decided to take my last pregnancy test. 3minutes later... postive! how could this be. It has to be a false positive. I couldnt think straight and was crying so hard I couldnt breath. I was still wearing a neck brace from falling off the back of his truck after playing around with our friends. I couldnt be pregnant. I was a good kid and very active in school. I had gotten in trouble with school before. Ive always been hard headed. Correcting the teacher, not doing home work and skipping class. I knew it was all wrong but there was so many other thing that were so much worse I could have done. Drugs. sneaking out. partying. I wasnt sleeping around. I had only even kissed 2 other guys in my life and it wasnt even making out. Why me... so many other girls in school were having sex with lots of guys. He was my only. How could I be pregnant. ring... ring... ring.... my cell phone went off. It was him. I answered my phone. Hello? (sniffle) He automaticly started apologizing. "baby, why are you still crying? I want to be with you. Im sorry. please forgive me." Of corse I forgave him. I had a bigger problem on my plate. I was going to have a baby. I told him.... silence.... Hello... are you still there.? did he hang up on me. then he whispers something "are you sure?" well no but the test says I am. How am I going to tell my parents. Will I ever finish school. I have a calling to help teens get through some of the things I went through. Rape, friendship, school, sex, teen pregnancy, peer preasure, marriage, running away, homeless, abuse, and much more. It took me 9yrs to come to terms with some of the things Ive endured. All I ever needed was for some to say. , Hey Ive been there without me having to tell them everything. I just now hope that I can be that for someone else. Maybe then they wont make the same mistales or suffer in silence for so long. A little about me. my name is Jessica Burke but I go by Jessy. My story starts at 12 with rape and hopefully ends in happily ever after. I grew up wanting to be a missionary, but I let life take me away from that and am barely making it back to there now. I have 2 children and I am currently married, but that will just add another chapter to my book. I grew up in a upper middle class family. My parents never divorced. I currently live hours away from my parents in a run down trailer. You have to lay in the bed you make, but you can save up to buy a new one. I dropped out of high school and ended up resorting to ashameful thing to survive and feed my kids. Many people sick there nose up at me without ever understanding what happened. That is ok. It is not them I wish to help. Please contact me if you are interested in hearing anymore of my story or know anyone else that may benifit from sharing my story