25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee
Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
Put Tabasco on everything.
For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.
Name all of your children "Bubba".
Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."
Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
Redneck Computer Terms!
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
Dear Child of Sin,
I see you looking back at me, surrendering all you fall on your knee.
Asking for mercy, and forgiveness too, What am I supposed to say to you?
You say your a christian, but how can that be? You only come to me in YOUR time of need.
I send you abundance of all of life's needs, yet you refuse to go out and plant one seed.
Others speak of my name and ask you questions of me, yet you deny the thoughts, shamelessly.
I see you living life in your own constant sin.I've knocked on your door but you refuse to let me in.
I sent you my son, he paid the ultimate price. He died for your sins, his greatest sacrifice.
Yet, I see you looking back at me,now trembling on your knees,
asking for my mercy and and my forgiveness too.
What am I supposed to say to you?
Close your eyes dear child, and see me with your heart.
That's when you will find that we never have part.
I was always there with my arms wide open, watching you patiently, while you were still hoping.
Forgiveness is a hard lesson to have learned, but once you accept me, your sins are now burned.
Never more to be spoke of again, and your new life in Christ shall FINALLY begin!
Love,
God- Your Father.