This is a long one, but I think I needed to say it all... so if you read it-- comment on it, let me know what you're thinking.
I feel it necessary to write a blog right now. Maybe I've been thinking about it for a while and I've either A) now reached my breaking point on some things, or B) found the free time to actually sit down and write something.
I wonder if Pink Floyd had it right when they said "Action brings good fortune." I mean, that was like 40 years ago right? Are things [in context] really like that?
"Action brings good fortune."?
That's a pretty bold statement to make when at one point or another we've all experienced some kind of let down. I'm sure a lot people we know deal with it daily. That whole "bad day" syndrome thing seems to have found a permanent spot in my life recently, and it doesn't seem to want to leave.
It's weird because someone called me fake today, and like anyone would... I went on the defensive and denied it. I mean I was offended. But when this blog and my SOMEWHAT lack of happiness comes as a shock to people, I suppose I'm doing a great job of hiding things.
Maybe I can break down. And before I seem conceited, I realize these are things everyone goes through.
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I'm extremely lonely. But more in the sense that I long for companionship. After my last... whatever it was I really don't think I've given any guy the time of day. I shoot them down before they even have a chance because I assume that I won't be as happy as I was before. I know we all have that one person we compare every possible option to because in our heads we think that peson is perfect.
In my life, from a time when it actually mattered, I think I've gone through 4 sets of friends.
Breane, who is still my best friend, Megan, Brandon, Lauren and all those choir/drama kids throughout junior and high school.
Kev, David, Anna, Caitlynn and all the theatre and show choir people I was friends with in the passed 3 years. (I'm still friends with a lot of those people, but obviously we're not as close.)
Then college came about I met Garrett and I started going to church, and that's when Erica, Mikey, Brittny, Matt, Bryan, Holden, Luke, Felicia, Carly, Lauren, Brad, Kate and Nata came into the picture. That whole thing was hard because Garrett introduced be to a whole group of people who were already close as hell and I had to sort of... figure out where, if anywhere, I fit in with that group.
Then I met Mike and things didn't seem so boring, day-in-day out anymore. Partying began and I met a whole array of interesting people. Don't get me wrong, Mike isn't just a partier... he's changed the way I look at so many things. He's got this uncanning ability to make you question yourself, which I think we all need sometimes.
As of right now, I'm sort of floating between the "church friends" and the "party friends". Labels that have been tossed around by people, not me FYI. They aren't my "church friends" they are my friends and we just so happen to go to church, and they aren't my "party friends" they are my friends and we like to have parties.
It's weird because I act completely different when I'm in each group, but it's all still me. Like Holden and Mike are really good friends of mine, in different groups of friends, into different things, but I'm more myself around those two than anyone. In fact, I literally act completely the same.
I'm a big fan of the status-quo. Add that to me being bi-polar and you've got a lovely rollercoaster ride of me being unsettled when the little things change. I have ups and downs.
I'm jealous of a lot of things. People being able to fit in easier than me, not getting attention, and not being able to hide out. Sometimes I like to just blend in, it's really not so bad.
I seem to have this constant fear of losing all my friends. Despite what they may think, they're all amazing. In this aspect of my like, I consider myself to have a good thing going, and don't want to mess it up. I believe this is why I've developed the habit of apologizing for everything.
Lastly, because I really don't know where I'm going with this... I never really noticed that I put on this "tough-girl" act. Not sure how many people that I know actually buy into that, but I do it. I don't like feeling vunerable or dependent, and I don't the idea of not being in control.
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I'll finish this up in essay form and just repeat my thesis:
I feel it necessary to write a blog right now. Maybe I've been thinking about it for a while and I've either A) now reached my breaking point on some things, or B) found the free time to actually sit down and write something.
I wonder if Pink Floyd had it right when they said "Action brings good fortune." I mean, that was like 40 years ago right? Are things [in context] really like that?
"Action brings good fortune."?
That's a pretty bold statement to make when at one point or another we've all experienced some kind of let down. I'm sure a lot people we know deal with it daily. That whole "bad day" syndrome thing seems to have found a permanent spot in my life recently, and it doesn't seem to want to leave.
It's weird because someone called me fake today, and like anyone would... I went on the defensive and denied it. I mean I was offended. But when this blog and my SOMEWHAT lack of happiness comes as a shock to people, I suppose I'm doing a great job of hiding things.
