I suddenly lost my fiancee on July 29 2005, and still to this day, I still cannot believe it is true. I wait for him to walk in the door with his beautiful dark eyes and sweet smile.
The loneliness is crippling at times and at times right after he passed away, leaving the house was so hard. The nightmares still happen from time to time although not nearly like they used to. I had one last Friday night. Was at a friends house and had had a few drinks and fell asleep on the couch only to be awoken with a nightmare..it was rather embarassing.
I remember having to remove his name from documents and our joint bank account and how it felt so wrong, as if I was betraying him.
I have a wonderful family and friends and without them, I surely wouldn't be here today. In fact, I know I wouldn't.
When he passed away, my whole world seemed to come crashing down around me, and I felt as though I was only exisiting, not living.
There was a point in my life when All I could think of was how much I miss my baby, and how I want to hold him one more time and hear him tell me how much he loved me.
I still question myself and ask why I couldn't be there with him in his last moments to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. At times, my heart was so full of sorrow I could hardly breathe. But still I move on...things can ONLY get easier...as time passes it does get a little easier...
I know he wouldn't want me to suffer and that he would wants me to be happy and have peace in my heart. I truly loved him. That love that I had for him carries me through the hard times and everytime I start to feel as though I'm being overwhelmed by the pain, I just go back into my memory bank and remember all the wonderful memories I have of him and I let that be my rock to get me through the day. True love never dies...we take it with us when we go.
Grief is a lonely existence and I'm going to overcome it....one day at a time.
