so i am getting tired of everything...it seems lately ive been searching for answers that just wont come (if by lately i mean the last 3 years)...everything i do i seem to screw up...like at work today...this guy was overly rude to me and i was rude back to this asshole and he complained about me being rude...but calling someone stupid to there face when they are bringing your stupid piece of shit loud messy white trash family food isnt rude...you know sometimes i wish i i lived in another town with another name and knew other people and had a different life...because this one is starting to suck but what are my options? we all know the answer to that and thats not a answer at all...it seems like the closer i get to what i want the fartherer away from it i get and that could be said for like 4 different aspects of my life...i just want to cook...as gay as that sounds when i am in the kitchen i am alive...my food comes to life through me and me through it...i just wish i could convey that same confidence in my life...use that somehow to stop screwing everything else i touch up...though i am still in some sort of denial about it i am probably not going to be asked back to school next semester and that is totally 100% my fault...in prep 1 i am making a A...but i haven't been to the rest of my classes in like a month...what the fuck is my problem...i know i need to be there and if i was i would pass these stupid ass classes easy as hell...its not like they are all that hard...deep down inside i know i am going to fail...almost all of me believes i am going to be the best chef to come out of this area...i want to believe that i am going to be the one in this area that everybody knows as the top chef in bell county...i want to have a restaurant were other chefs come to learn from me but theres this part of me that says ill never be anything more than a crappy line chef but the other 85% of me tells me to man the fuck up and take control...so i try to take control and i cant...how am i going to run a restaurant if i cant even run my life the right way...its like a intentolly sabotage everything i do...and its not just school its other things...im pretty sure i screwed something up today that i was getting into nicely but you can probably kiss that goodbye like the crap you took this morning...so basically im still trying to open locked doors that i dont have a key for...so if you know a locksmith or a keymaker let me know...
