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It is always interesting watching people move on within their lives, get married, have kids, etc. Then I take a long hard look at my life, and wonder where it all took a wrong turn. Sure I have some great friends, and family, and I am grateful for that. But I know that because that I don't make hundeds of thosands of dollars, and I don't have an executive job somwhere, that I am looked at as just nothing in this world. I am a person though I do have feelings but hate showing them because they get chewed on and spit out. For years I have just been trying to be more open even thought it scares me on the inside because of my past experiences, yes that is right I said it I get scared inside, about opening up about my feelings, especially to women!!! That is something I can say terrifies me. I know myself I look to deep into things and over analyze things, and it blocks my thoughts. I,wish just for once I can open up be me and not be terrified within. I know I am not getting any younger, and I just see the days slipping on by, and just feeling regret and disappointment, and somedays just depressed.
I wonder and think what if my 18 year old or even 20 year old self were to see me today!! What would they say??? Probably just look down, walk away shaking their head in disappointment. Do you whats sad, when I try to attempt to make conversation, with a young lady or women, that I,am interested in, and even before that i look at their hands looking to see if they have a ring on, cause me being me I see that I,am,like well,that wont work.yeah I know I,should be better or more experienced at this is what everyone thinks and all, but its just the opposite I am,totally inexperienced.
Well I,think that enough tonight, i can go to the one place i can,try and be happy which is my dreams.
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Most days I just look at life,specifically my own and just see emptiness. I haven't,seen too much left good left and it hurts It makes me, sad... I have noticed as the days, months, years go by the emptiness and the lonlyness come and go often. I feel emotion but bury them deep away, having to put on a "smile" to hide what I feel inside. If I could go back and change my life I would do it with out second thought. God I know I made a couple of stupid mistakes in my life... As I write this sitting listening to the rain, makes me wonder how much longer I can keep puttin on a smile everyday.
Can't believe summer is already over, and this month (Sept.) Is more than half over also. Fall is around the corner and i cannot wait. I enjoy the cooler weather, and the change in seasons. But then comes all the hecticness of the holidays and soon enough another year gone. Noooo I am not rushing the year even if most might think this.
Every year I look back on previous years of my life and what I have done for others and for myself. The scale always tips mainly to doing and helping others which is a good thing. It's just that every year around thanksgiving it starts that I get down and depressed, and every year I have to put on a smile and get through another holiday, but I feel every year when most are happy and celebrating a little piece of me dies on the inside.
I used to see my life so different from what it is as today, i thought at my age that I would or might have been with the women of my dreams, but that has yet,to happen if at all. I thought maybe just maybe within that time also that i might have a beautiful daughter or a handsome son. Yet again just another setback in my life. It is very hard,to see 98% of your friends and family with a family,of their own and some how being with the exception of one, the only single person left of everyone. I cant even say my bestest of friends is single he has a smart, beautiful gf, and they go together perfectly.
As the days, weeks, months, years go by, people are always asking me or wondering why am I alone, and not with anyone. So I tell them I have not found my someone yet. In my mind though I know that at this point it is a 40/60 shot of meeting that someone. I am always just in the friend zone, nothing more nothing less. Have I expressed how I have felt or I feel toward women, sure of course. So what happens again just "the friend zone" or I get ignored or the best one is that I get a text message saying that it wouldn't work out and that we should stop being friends and not talk to one another anymore. How sad is that lose someone over that.
Lastly, I usually hate writing about my life or things going on within it, If someone asks me a question in chat or pm fine I will answer and what not, have no problem doing so. I am posting this cause I just want people to know whether you are male or female, if someone takes a moment to talk to you, please, pleaseeee take a moment to listen whether it is friend, family, co-worker, just take a moment and listen, and try to help or just ask if something is bothering them if you notice, even if they say nothing is wrong or I don't want to talk about it, at least you asked even if they do not want to talk about what may or may not be happening.
