Lesava's blog: "Nikki's Views"

When we had to evacuate after the fire in Nov 2018, we came up to my cousin's home in Oregon that she shares with her husband.  Before we moved there, I didn't feel one way or the other about her, it seemed like after my father died, she pretty much had little to know contact with my mother since mom was only their aunt by marriage.  And I didn't know her husband aside from being at their wedding a few months before the fire.  

We stayed with them for three months after the fire.  We were in their basement, in their music room, I slept on a double bed and mom slept on an air mattress, and our dog Bruiser was in his playpen down there, which took up alot of room.  We had to climb up ALOT of stairs to get to the main level where the front room, kitchen, etc were.  They had a spare bedroom, but they had a sick cat in there, she had FIV and was in such horrible shape that she should have been humanely euthanized years before.  The cat had a better room than us.

Anyway, my cousin LOVES her cats and animals in general.  There was cat hair everywhere, and the kitchen was just always so dirty.  Our home was always clean, not perfection, but dust was non existent.  Most of our time there, we were sick because my cousin was always sick, due to her never eating properly, and not wanting to take medicine, EVERYTHING had to be natural.  My asthma returned in full force thanks to their home.  When we finally got our own place, I was so happy I cried.  I loved her husband, he was such a terrific man, and did so much for us, so did she, in her own way.  But I was so ready to get out of there.

Today, we were invited over there for a mini BBQ, just the two of them and us.  I told Mom no, I'm not going over there.  First of all, it's in the high 90s today, which my asthma hates with a passion, I can't be outdoors alot.  Our dog would not have been happy over there, he is very small and the heat affects him greatly.  Plus, there is no where comfortable for my back over there.  And I just don't feel comfortable with my cousin; she is always questioning me about our finances, what we bought, how the lawsuit is going, etc.  I also have a problem with depression when I go there.  It was such a dark time when we were there, and it has just stuck with me to this day; plus there are pics of my uncle all over the house, and he sexually touched me when I was a young girl.  It's not their fault for the depression, it just is. I love Dennis, and would have liked to have seen him today, but I'm just uncomfortable over there for all the above reasons.

Of course I got shit from my mother.  I explained all my reasons, told her if she wanted to go, she could have at it.  I told her, I love my cousin, I do love her, but I don't like her, I don't like how she lives her life because it affects everyone around her so negatively.  We don't many people around here, since right after we moved in the pandemic started, so it was difficult to meet people, so I don't like saying no to them, but I just can't do it today.

I will have more friends around here once we start hitting the gym, going to the Moose Lodge for meals and events, etc.  Until then, I have to keep my time over at their place to a minimum.  I hate that it has to be that way, but for my mental, emotional and physical health, that is how it has to be.

OK how am I dealing with everything? Well I think I'm going through the phases of grief, like you would if you lost someone in your life. I lost my life, in a sense, and I am still dealing with it. But I have had progress, at least I think that I have.

 The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have done denial, definitely. It wasn't real for a LONG time, and once I started seeing the pictures of our house burned down, I got past that. Now the anger I have had for a LONG time, but it didn't really hit until I saw the house in person. I realized that even though there was a fire hydrant across the street from our house, it was never utilized, because the fire was so quick, no one could get down to our area to do anything. If we had turned our sprinklers on the house on, MAYBE the house might have made it. But we didn't because the water was needed in the hydrants that ALOT of the time didn't get used; yes I got pissed off at this point, and I discussed it with my brother, and he felt the same way at the time. 

Bargaining never happened for me, only because there was nothing to bargain for, honestly. New Years Day I started feeling the depression, that is still ongoing. I went up last weekend to Portland for a couple of days to have some “me” time. I hadn't had time to myself since the fire on November 8^th, and I needed a breather from Mom, the dog, from the whole situation. I saw an old friend, went to his concert, and had two days in a hotel room to do whatever I want. Rest, write, play on the computer, sleep, whatever. I needed that so badly. It helped a lot, but while I was there, the depression still kicked in hard.

I think once we move into our new house on February 15^th, I will have acceptance and can move forward. I am going to feel the depression till then, I think. Maybe not, it's a day to day journey, and I am trying to deal with things as they come along. I am just so ready to move forward, get our own place and just have my own life. We deserve it after this damn fire!!!

The next battle in the war? What is it, you ask? Insurance, insurance, insurance. After all this insurance crap is over, I just really don't want anything to do with it for a LONG time! Since I have power of attorney for Mom because of her Parkinson's, I have been dealing with the house insurance ALOT. Between all the adjusters, I got confused at times. They have all been so nice, but the problem is, Mom has TERRIFIC insurance, and she is getting good money from them. BUT, because of the amount, they have to get approval from higher ups on everything, and it takes forever. We FINALLY got the outside property check, the outside out house/shrubbery check, and FINALLY, after a while, an inside check for our property in the house, but we are asking for more on that, we had a lot of things in there, and we deserve more money for that. We are going to fight for every cent we can get. 

Yes, we signed up for FEMA, but we will probably get nothing from it, because Mom's insurance IS so good. I have also signed Mom up for the lawsuit going on against PG&E for the fire. Nothing will come of it for a while, but at least she is in on it. 

The day after Christmas we finally went up to Paradise and saw our doomed home in person for the first time. It was rough, I cried. I thought we would be able to find something in the rubble that we could salvage. There was NOTHING. If it wasn't burned, it was crushed by debris or crushed by our cement roof tiles. We found a couple of dishes, Mom said leave them. We got Dad's gun from my brother, and after we left the house, we turned it in at the police station. Even Dad's service revolver was melted. That fire was SO HOT. I can't believe how bad it was. Driving around town before and after we dealt with the house, it was just mind boggling that we got out of there as well as we did. It scares me still to think about it. 

I know you are thinking, what about you? Well, Mom's house was Mom's, I just lived there. I got money for my car, but otherwise I'm kinda along for the ride. She has been using her money to replace my clothes, and for Christmas I got new glasses, a new Keurig, and a new phone to go with my new phone plan that I had to get up here. I have been benefiting from Mom's insurance as well. The best thing for Christmas, Mom bought me a NEW CAR. Well it's a used car, but new for me! A 2012 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4x4, which we need up here in Oregon with some of these passes during the bad times of the year. 

Another development........we found a house! We made an offer, got accepted, and it closes escrow on February 15^th. Again, I had to sign a shitload of paperwork since Mom couldn't, I got writer's cramp in the process LOL It's a ranch style, 3 bedroom 2 bath, nice big family room/living room, kitchen with nice breakfast nook. We also have a jacuzzi tub on the back porch, and a spa tub in the master bathroom. A nice yard area for Bruiser to play on, plus a two car garage that we can enter into from the laundry room. We are happy with it. We are going to do some painting in there, and get new gutters, and yes, new furniture will be forthcoming, but it will be happening, and we are both looking forward to it so much. 

My next entry will be about my emotions and thoughts as I have reflected on the fire. It's been tough, but I am dealing ok with it. It will be about me, not as much about Mom LOL stay tuned.......

By the time we got to Lynne's, it had been one week since the fire. We stayed at a hotel on the way to their place that sixth day, we couldn't make it all the way, we were so tired. We had our first shower in 6 days, Bruiser got to sleep on the floor in one of his beds, in between our two queen beds in the hotel room, and we passed out. We got to Lynne's the next morning, and her and Dennis both came out to hug us. We took things out of the car, and took them to the music room in their home. It has a queen bed, an air mattress, and room for Bruiser's playpen, as well as a half bath to use. They have a fireplace in their front room, and you would think that after the fire we wouldn't want to be near it, but it was oddly comforting to have it, it was so homey, and helped us relax. 

I realized after we got here that I hadn't cried since it started, I really hadn't. I talked with friends and family, let them know where we were and that we were ok, and I still hadn't cried. It wasn't until I talked to Scott, my oldest friend from school, since kindergarden, and I started to cry when I heard his voice. Not a lot, but just a little bit. Just hearing his voice hit me so hard. I only cried for a moment, not like I thought I would. I talked to my therapist Sarah late in the third week, and she says it will hit me sometime, and hard. Sarah's home was spared, but with nothing left in town, I wonder what she will decide to do. 

The second week was settling in here in Oregon, and buying things we needed: clothes, meds, etc. Also making phone calls to update insurance on where we were. We went to lunch, and met a friend of Lynne and Dennis', Ed, who is become a very good friend. We also met up again with Lynne's friend John and met his wife for lunch another day. John had been down to our house the weekend before the fire to shoot a music video there with Lynne, and had video footage of the house! He gave us a copy of the footage to take with us when we met with insurance. 

Watching the news reports, and seeing all the devastation was just unnerving. Hearing what happened from the outside, Mom and I realized we were damn lucky to get out when we did. We still didn't know officially about our home. I started contacting the reporters that had interviewed me, and the weatherman from our local station in Chico that I was friends with on Twitter, and asked if they could have their people go up to our area to see if our house was there. I found out later that no one had access to our area except police, National Guard, CalFire, etc. Just officials, which I understood, but it was so frustrating. 

We made an appointment to go back down to Chico to meet with our outside adjuster at a local restaurant down there 10 days after the fire to get the numbers down on the house structure. We met my brother John there as well, since he knew our house inside and out, and helped with things at the meeting. We then checked in with FEMA, which took forever, but it wasn't a wasted trip there. I went to the Town of Paradise table they had set up, and asked how people were getting pics of their houses; we still didn't have any official word on our house, and we needed to know. She looked our house up, and was able to show me an official picture. I still didn't cry, I was in a little shock, but I knew it was going to be gone, it couldn't have survived. I went to where Mom was, sent her to the table, and called my uncle to let him know we had picture verification after 10 days of not knowing for sure. I let the insurance guys know, and they said text the pic to them ASAP so we could get payments started. We then went to Carl's, ate with John and his friend Rachel. After doing what we needed to do, we started making our way home the same day. 4 ½ hours down, did our stuff, then 3 hours back up. We stopped for the night at a hotel. While we were there I went to the website the lady at Town of Paradise went to, and downloaded the pic of our house to send to family, friends, and the insurance guys. I texted that to everyone, and knowing Bruiser was safe with Lynne and Dennis, we slept and got back the next morning. Two days later, I got payment for my car from GEICO into my account by direct deposit. One obstacle was completed, but it was beginning of the war.........

I haven't written on my blog for a long while, and there is a very good reason. Since Nov. 8, 2018 I have been dealing with the aftereffects of the Paradise Camp Fire. My home and my car were destroyed in the fire; my mother, our dog Bruiser and I made it out in her car with a backpack each, some papers, some pics, Bruiser's things, meds, a couple of blankets and some snacks for in the car. 

We woke up to news of the shooting in Thousand Oaks the night before, and then the news of a fire that started in Pulga. I noticed the sky getting darker as the minutes ticked by, and then I thought about putting our flag at half mast for the shooting. When I went outside, I had black ash the size of index cards hitting me, and I figured something was VERY wrong. 

I went in on my computer, and at the same time, the TV started talking about evacuations in Paradise near us, and that the hospital was burning; the fire in Pulga had moved down the canyon DAMN fast. The hospital was a few miles away. We started packing Mom's car as I kept an eye on the Town Of Paradise Facebook page. The zone next to ours evacuated, and we got into HIGH gear. As soon as our zone #6 was called for evacuation, I told Mom get in the car NOW. She grabbed Bruiser, I grabbed her phone book as I ran out the door. I had to go in Mom's car since she wouldn't have been able to drive with her Parkinson's. It took us three hours to get to Chico going down the hill, it normally only takes 20 minutes. We went down Clark Road, and as we drove down, I looked from the driver seat and saw the fire about a mile away, flames high as I have ever seen, and heading up the hill right toward our house. I had a feeling then that we weren't going to be going back to our home as it was. And afterward, hearing the horror stories from Skyway, I'm SO happy we were forced down Clark Road. We didn't have to drive through flames or abandon cars like so many others did. 

We went to Lowe's in Chico at first, we couldn't get to the Neighborhood Church for shelter since we couldn't cross Skyway. We met up with our neighbor there, talked with him and his friends for a while, went to McDonalds to get some protein in us, and then we were finally allowed to get over to the church. We reached my brother right after getting there, and found out he had been in Chico that morning, and didn't have to evacuate. I parked and went over to check us in immediately. Red Cross got us on their safe list, and I got some goodies to munch on with some more blankets. At that point they weren't allowing animals in, so we decided to stay in the car with Bruiser. As I wandered back and forth to watch the TV set up in the courtyard, I was interviewed a few times for the news. Made the newscast on Sacramento ABC. I guess friends and family saw it. The second night at the shelter was bitterly cold, we had blankets covering us, and covering Bruiser in his carrier. We knew we had to do something else. 

After two nights, we decided to stay with an acquaintance of my brother's (he was staying with another friend). We got mom's home insurance started, as well as the insurance on my car. We stayed there for 3 nights, then the smoke and the atmosphere was just too much. Our asthma was just not handling the smoke well at all. We had to get out of the area. As soon as we got some of Mom's medications from the local pharmacy, we drove up to Southern Oregon to stay with my cousin and her husband. Lynne and Dennis were so welcoming, and couldn't believe we were finally out of the smoke and chaos............

I have been away from this site for quite a while; I've returned, but I am a very changed person from what I was when I left.

I have been hurt so often, I have lost count. Men and women both, it has been so very painful. Friends betray me, lovers say I'm too passionate (still trying to figure this out), family treat as a black sheep because I am not married, not college educated and not with children. I am not sure what is expected of me, but as of right now my thinking on relationships of all kinds has changed distractedly.

I am not actively looking for romantic entanglements, I welcome friendships greatly, but betray me at all, and the friendship is done. Once my trust is broken, it can't be won back. The chances I have given so many people, some in my family, was squashed, and I just have to be done with those people. I don't have the time, and anymore, sadly, I don't have the patience.

I used to be called "too nice", always dependable, would help people to my own detriment most of the time. Well, that is done, to a very large degree. I have spent most of my life concentrating on other people, and I have to be selfish for a while. For my health, physical and emotional, I need to concentrate on my own needs, and make sure that I am ok.

I haven't been all right for a long time; that ends now.