hvnscnt1685's blog: "pain"

so its been a while since i did this. so heres kinda an update on things...i moved back in with my sister...had my share of bad nights...and bad relationships...but their over now and im enjoying the single life...i havent been feeling good lately but thats okay i will be better...right now i feel really clamy and my heart is racing. not sure why. i wrote my dad a letter and told him about how he has affected me. some of it good but the memories were short lived...i think hes drinking again. im worried. but i have no room to talk because im still drinking although its not as bad as before. im really calming down now and its not an everyday thing its only every now and then...but im gonna go for now i'll try to keep up on this shit

so wow things are actually going good...im working and single....i love single life...its good and it workds for me...im just now getting over my ex...which is good...i miss him dearly but i know things will never work with us...its like that daughtry song over you....it works... i know i will always love him but i know that i will never be with him and its a good thing...so now im getting my life together and things work...im spending more time with my family and its good and i work my ass off i have 2 days off a week...which keeps my happy ass out of trouble...so im doing good and things will get better

i guess this is one of the hardest things in life. it seems like i lost another one once again...but this time this was the one person that i honestly cared about...his name is josh. and we were together for almost a year. it just hurts to know that this time he is really gone out of my life. hes always stood by my side through thick and thin. it just seems like i lost my all...not sure what to do...its hard to eat. im at loss for sleep and even being around a new guy makes it hard to breathe. i cant even kiss someone with out thinking of him. and what if i sleep with some one...what happens if i say his name that would be so embarassing...im not sure what to do anymore and getting over him is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do

Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all... You're sick of feeling numb You're not the only one I'll take you by the hand And I'll show you a world that you can understand This life is filled with hurt When happiness doesn't work Trust me and take my hand When the lights go out you'll understand Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Anger and agony Are better than misery Trust me I've got a plan When the lights go off you will understand Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing Rather feel pain I know (I know) I know (I know) I know That you're wounded You know (You know) you know (you know) That I'm here to save you You know (You know) you know (you know) I'm always here for you I know (I know) I know (I know) I know That you'll thank me later Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain So i heard this song called pain by three days grace and it seems to fit me...i mean right now all i know is pain...its the only feeling i have...im not sure how else to feel...and if i cant feel love then id rather feel pain then nothing at all..because at least then id have a feeling...it hurts right now. i guess thats my only feeling...ive been away from my family too long...and today i found out that i lost yet another piece of my family...my uncle passed away and hearing that killed me...i mean i lost my mom in 2002 and it felt horrible. now that my uncle passed away whose next...i mean it just seems like everyone i care about is leaving bit by bit...and it just hurts..im not sure how to deal with everything anymore...josh's birthday was 11-11 and i tried to be happy but i just couldn't do it...i love him...im not sure if i'll ever get over him....trust me i try..just because im not sure if he'll ever come to his senses and realize how much i care about him...but at the same time i gave him space. Honestly it just kills me to know that i cant wait forever...but thats just what im doing....waiting...waiting for everything to work itself out when i know it won't...at least thats what it seems like...my heart says to wait..but in my head its not like that...my mom always told me listen to my heart...but i cant wait forever....so once again back to the subject...pain...why do i subject myself to this pain...why do i wait...and why do i wait for something thats never gonna happen...i hate the fact that it hurts so much.....im not dealing with death anymore...today i cried so much...evrything just seemed to hurt...even watching some movie about jeans....but still...i guess id rather feel something than nothing...and if all i can feel is pain then it means that im still alive...and theirs always hope for a new day....i think at least...maybe one day it will all be over and i won't feel pain but i'll be happy once again...but right now its hard to deal with everything...i keep thinking about the perfect times with josh...i mean he knew what to say and when to say them...there were so many memories and most of them were great...ive never known someone like him and im afraid to lose him all over again...there was so much we had in common but at the same time we were and are so different...finding nemo...one good thing...and the tah da's...he could always make me smile no matter what...i got my practice of playing pool with him....the first time i met him i offered him a dove chocolate...he told me he normally doesn't eat chocolate..the saying on it made me smile.....i mean those are the memories that i cant forget and thats what keeps me wanting to stick around...thats what keeps me waiting....i know someone will read this...someone always does...im just missing home...and i miss the feelings i had when josh was around...and maybe just maybe one day we will be together....if not...i'll be waiting...because no one will ever make me feel the way that he did ever...and i know i may be waiting around for something that is never gonna happen..but its worth a shot..i cant just give up on him..i always told him that i won't ever give up and im sticking to that...i won't ever regret or give up anything not when it happened with him...i mean what am i suppose to do..just give up?....................liz