uglypoet Random Thoughts Blog of a Avera...'s blog: "Random Thoughts..."

It is strange if you ponder. How large the world is but how shrunk it can be thanks to technology. The internet has let us reach many places and people we normally would never talk to, and it instills in us a curiosity that even with the closeness of the virtual world known as the world wide web. That there is still but a great distance between all of us. Some are nearer while others are farther.

Then a intimate concideration is struck between two people, and that great distance and sometimes that ever looming ocean. Brings the hope and wild thoughts down to ground level. Yet then we forget that there was a time. When soldiers were lost in trenchs a ocean away, their loves remained strong. Yet while things grow closer, they seem farther.

We let the great distance divide our hopes and dreams into things we might behold. We fail to relise those that dream bigger then where they stand normally attain it or a monicore of it. Be it in bussiness or love. It is those who see only obsticales that shape the world they live in, they overcome that which they find hard. And in the end their accomplishments bring them joy.

So while we strive to obtain that which is our desire no matter what it may be, while the distances are broken down by virtual space, we should remember it is strange but not impossible. To overcome that which we might seek a ocean or a state away. For in all things we desire, we are the only ones who can make them come true.

So the only strangness is finding that reason by which you can not obtain what you desire. Let the strangness go, let your dream sore, and one day you will find the happiness you desire.

Sometimes wathing a TV show can enlighten you on some thoughts you have never had, but that is if you allow you mind to reach beyond the show you are watching. See tonight i was watching Criminal Minds and one of the stories within the story delt with a woman who was emotionally abused by her husband and children. Well this got me to thinking deeper as i always seem to do without tring. So here we go along the lines of emotional abuse. A subject some wish to avoid, but in this instance its more of a topic to help you enlighten yourself as it has enlightened myself some. A self realisation not so much in how i abuse but how i might be abused and how it might effect me. See we tend to forget that emotional abuse can happen at any age. For emotions are probably the least developed part of the human pyschi .. Or so i believe. Let me break it down some. First as children we learn everything, what hot is, cold, no, yes, moral rights and wrongs and so on. Well we tend to not be taught outright what emotions are and how to deal with and interpret them. See when we are babies we touch a hot stove, or try to we are told no its hot. Well this makes sence to use, untill at some point in our lives we are burned. Then the words become a reality a physical one. Where as with emotions we are told i love you, or your being bad. But there is no physical to reflect those words. So we even at older ages, in our adult life are still learning and tring to find those physical representations of such things we are not looking consiously but sub conciously. So emotional torture has to be thought of in a another light since it can happen at any stage of life, the abuse associated with it can come from anyone at anytime. But the torture comes from a source many of us do not see or recognize. It is hidden probably the most well hidden thing in all our lifes. See i was abused in some sence growing up as most people are, some are abused in greater depths but to show how i see emotional torture i will use myself and the mild abuse i received that most of us do at some point growing up. I was abused based off looks and appearance. See i lived on a small poor farm, so i had to wear hand me downs and second hand cloths which is now the in thing with kids, go figure i was brought up to early lol. But i was made fun of daily for my look, as well as my glasses, and bad hair cut. This small abuses became a torture not by those who dished it out, but by myself. See no matter our age, we torture our selfs based off past and present emotional based critisims of ourselfs by others. We try to shun it off, but like anything done in repetition it becomes more of a reality in our minds. So we tend to torture ourselfs by replaying what was said, or tring to overcome that one individuals or group of individuals concerns and statment about who we are to them. Those people are shallow and have deeper torture going on, to attack others in a way to make themselfs feel better. But deep down we torture ourselfs the most when we have had bad physical things layed on us at young or even adult ages. We ponder over them tring to understand what we did to influence such a reaction by another, or what we said to encourage them to hurt us. But when we do this we torture ourselfs more then they could have even hurt us. Emotional torture is probably one of the hardest things to overcome in anyones life. We want to be liked by all we meet, when this is a impossibility. One we all know all to well, but deep down we think they see us, as those who abused us, so we try to influence their perception by toruturing ourselfs to a point of almost cataclismic proportions. We lash out at those who we find nice, or caring. We tend to tell them what others have told us, those others im refering to are the abusers. We allow those abusers to shape our lifes, and shape our thoughts. To a point where we torture ourselfs by lashing out at those closest to us. We then do not relise the added torture we place on ourselfs as we do such things. The personal Emotional torture we put on ourselfs, is such a great amount of abuse, we begin to tell ourselfs and others we are not a good person. And it is best if we are left alone. When in the real world being left alone, normally is not a good thing. Because by locking ourselfs off from others we are letting the personal torture grow and win, and we are also limiting ourselfs to contact that may help us to overcome those past or present emotional attacks others put on us. So remember that contact verbally as well as physically with others can reshape the emotional torture you put upon yourself. Because with the physical reinforcement of how another sees or feels about you, will only reinforce the good they see and perseave about you. And we all know bad actions, and bad words can be overcome by devotion to good words and works. A small amount of joy weighs more then a great amount of pain. Compare it like this. A death of a friend or family memeber can tear at you for days, but one small birth of a child, that first cry bring more joy into a persons life and existance then the days of pain felt for losing a loved one. Be strong with companionship and friendship, and the emotional torture you produce will dwindle while the abuse will be righted and become a memory to guide others by.

Thanks to a few people, and a few games. Gamers get a overall bad vibe when people hear about them. They first think they are not very intelegent to get tied up into a game, when its no diffrent then someone whos hooked on a tv show like 24, or lost. Yet people fail to relise some very cool and important things. 1. Games can help your hand eye coordination. 2. Games can help your creativity and help you to explore possibilitys and use your mind to search out ways to do things not normally within the paramaters of the games design. 3. Games can link you to a culture of people who share a intrest with you, and if you get in with the right groups of individuals known as clans/guilds in games, you can learn alot about solcalization and leading others. 4. Games can also inspire new creations as seen here. See gamers are one type of adventure a person can make, and most often individuals who think gamers are basically geeks or brain dead do not relise gamers are just average people. looking for an escape from their daily stresses, just as you might grab a beer and watch your favorite tv show, gamers tend to pick up a group of individuals and go out and kill things. Like anything you do it can be an addiction, and i to have experianced a type of gaming addiction before. However as i played i also learned my mind begain to increase in awarness and problem solving . where as watching a tv show does not expand my abilitys mentally, its basically a brain dead opperation. If you view the video above you will see alot can go into a game, as well as into the video making. The creator first had to come up with the idea, plan it out in some way, then execute it. In the above video you can see coordination of several players, and timing to get what you see is something they had to overcome. also in games locations are not always easy to get to, and to get everyone there quickly is a tough endevor. Then we come down to the final of it all. The creativity involved in producing the video so its fun to watch. I have to say i love making gaming videos. infact i have been having some withdrawls of late for not making any. But soon i shall dive back into my gaming world, and start making more videos. So the next time you think a game is stupid, look deeper then its visual look, and see inside it more, and experiance the deeper side of it. Communitiy, expression, creativity, and most importatnly the mental side involved. Todays games are far from the space invaders game we once played, or the 2d donkey kong side scroller, today its in 3 dimmentions and the monsters have AI Brains, all be it their brains are limited they do pose a larger challenge then pacman ever did.

Ok first off let me inform everyone who reads this, i have to give thanks to Tam for inspiring this off one of their blogs. See their blog talked about hatred and being mean on the internet. And how individuals say oh hey dont take the internet seriously. Well this kind of hit home with me, and inspired me to write about Hatred and War. You see if you really pay attention to those individuals who say do not take the internet seriously fail in many respects with showing any real intelegence. First they fail to recognize the internet as a form of communication, and expression. just like writing a story to Dear Abby or some news paper. However this audience is larger in most regards as readership of newspapers is falling all over the place. Infact some major news papers report having more online readers of their paper then subscribers. This tells me that the internet should be taken seriously for many reasons. One is News, Two is Discimination of information, and the ability to aquire it easily and in most cases freely. People do not seem to relise the power of the internet. They say do not take it seriously yet they are the same ones who will pull up a youtube video thats defenitly bogus and make beleive and pass it off as real and true. Why? because it backs up their belief whatever it may be. And since i am going to bring war into it. The best example is the supposed video showing a explosion after the trade towers were hit. Well what i have to wonder is how gullable these believers are?! I mean come on, the guy who originally posted it, did not give you any information about him to prove that his video was real, and he did not edit it. He said nothing to show you that he was not a computer geek who put that footage together on his own, not to mention i have seen many other videos of approximatly the same angle and no explosion in them. Now lets think about this a second say the video was real. Well wouldnt it be safe to assume that high pressure tanks of jet fuel could EXPLODE? oh no wait that only happens if they crash on a landing strip i forgot. Well back onto the main topic, Hatred. Why do people come on the internet and show hatred to others? I have no idea, and i can not even begin to fathom it. However what it makes me believe is this. Either they are like this normally, except when at work as it would get them fired, or they have found that being mean is easier then being nice. then i have to wonder, are these the same people who think the war in iraq is bad and we should get out? More then likely i bet they are. See they beleive the internet is a place to be a total ass to anyone you want. But they also believe that the world and terrorism will just stop if you ignore it. Just like shutting their pc off when someone is mean to them. OFF and no more. Well they should wake up and relise that war has been around longer then most religions. And war will always be there. However being mean on the internet at some point could get you fired. There are some companys who want you to be professional even when not at work because you represent them. And who knows maybe your boss might hop onto a site like this, just as you do, for soemthing new and fun. And they might recognize your image and have a talk with you at work the next day for your manors online. See these individuals fail to relise the internet is part of the world these days. Its in everything, our homes, work, cell phones and so on. Its in the schools, on airplanes, its everywhere. Probably why they called it the World Wide Web. So why do people show hatred on the net? I have no idea, but if you pay attention these are most times the same individuals who (and im talking about those who give one line hatred like your gay ect, not those with facts to back them up) act like asses on the internet are also the ones who want everything handed to them. They want free this free that, they want higher pay for low pay work, they are greedy. And they are also the same ones who hop up and down and say the war should end. They fail to relise that the war must be fought there or it will be fought here. And they also fail to relise that the internet is no diffrent then a phone call. Someone is on the other end, and someone has feelings. I Guess they just don't understand and want to flaunt their ignorance and hatred for all on the internet for all to see. I mean come on its not real here, so why should they act real and real nice at that.. For those who think the internet is to not be taken seriously. Think about this the next time you see a story on the internet, or a video from a news station. Watch it, listen to it, then say This is the internet they are not serious..... Bet you wont...

Its funny sometimes how life takes our twisted fates of indesion and contemplation and turns them into a hurrican. Throwing us around like a back of potato chips in the wind, with no where to land but smashed crumpled and torn open for the world to see. Yet when we pause to watch a sunset, or feel the warmth of a sunrise from our own beds early in the wee hours of the morning. We do not relise that in that moment life has stood still. We do not relise that life is not as complicated as we perceive it. We have our ups and our downs, we have our bills and our cash flow issues. But when we stop to ponder what is important in life we hear oh our health and our familys. But we fail to relise as we tend to as humans find something greater then ourselfs. That ourselfs are the greatest thing in life. How we treat others, how we experiance our ups and downs. How we chose to live. Chosing to live is the hardest part, as most people feel money is the guidance to a good life. While this is very very very incorrect. Stop and ponder why a farmer who is in debt from the day his first seed is planted continues to stay in debt. Does he do it for the cash? Oh heck no cause he has none. Does he do it for the long hours and hard work, partially yes. But most importantly he does it for himself. He choses to live this way, knowing that he is brining food to the world. He choses to live the life as it is simple at its core, even tho the days are long and hard. We should all stop one day, and ponder for a moment why? Why what you say? Why do we enjoy life? what about life makes us happy? and stop thinking of emmediate things and think deeper then whats in front of you. Try and think about what in life makes you happy and ignore the obvious choices, family and friends. Think about what in life makes you happy, and comes from within yourself. And you may wake up and relise that you are happy not because of outside influences but because you chose to be happy. Even with your daily ups and downs that we all go thru, you may relise deep down its a choice to find happiness and to hold onto it. As each day brings new things to make us smile, and sometimes we dig for things to make us grin, we should always relise it always comes from within when we smile. We find the reason, and we share the smile with those nearest us, friend or stranger. Let the winds blow as they may, and let the tornados of your own little world fly about. But keep in mind and heart, that no matter what may seem bad, no matter what has brought you some stress. no matter your past or future, the present moment is controlled and desided by you, and to find a smile within the moment, to carry it thru the day, and to share it with others, will only bring about brighter happiness, and the winds and storms will subdue. For no storm can ever defeat the ability to smile and love. No storm can ever wash them away or drown them from existance. Be the person who choses to smile, be the person who choses to find happiness in all things, and in return i gaurentee you will smile, you will be happy, and your life will have less stress then you could have ever guessed. Life is just one path thru existance, and it is how we chose to live it that makes that existance more then a moment in time.

The best things and the greatest moments do not come with ease, but they come from an attempt rifled with many obstacle's, for it is not the desire that makes it great, but the obstacle's that you over come that make it great.

Courage is a strange beast. It is something we all have but sometimes do not relise we use. Most people think courage is when you put your life on the line. However they fail to relise while this is courage that there are other forms more profound because it lies within our own hearts and minds, and it is a courage only we would see. The courage i am talking of is hardest on individuals. The courage i talk about is the courage it takes for you to break free from your norm. This is a courage that never gets seen. The courage to wait when you should just to see a outcome. The courage to take a chance when chances are not your usual cup of tea. The courage to trust in a feeling beyond what your mind says. We all have our lives at some point settle into a routine we love and enjoy. A routine that brings little or not stress, but when we break free from that norm we find that we must dig deep and grab our own inner courage. The courage that leads us into the unknown, the courage that gives us a chance at something new, the courage that few will ever trust in. But when we follow that courage, when we listen to our hearts and avoid our minds constant reminder of what is available and on hand. When we take a chance and wait to see what may be. That is when we learn what courage really is, and if our heart is right, which most often it is not wrong. We find what we were looking for, we stumble onto the greatest joy in our life, and we did it through our own courage. This kind of courage is hardest to muster, but it is also the most rewarding of all. It is more rewarding to us as individuals then the courage layed out for all to see. This is the courage we all must grasp when the time comes, so we can feel the grandest joy of all. The joy of doing something difficult to us, and doing it just for yourself. copyright 28 mar 2008 J.Stacy

I have never understood. I can not ponder why. I can only contemplate. However even then im at a loss. WHat am i talking about?! Well it is when people you speak with in person, or on the net. People you meet, and talk to and get to know. The people who you are interested in as a friend or more. I have never understood why they would do this. They tell you they want to be friends, so you so ok ect. Weather it be someone you were or were getting interested in deeper then friendship. But they tend to say lets just be friends, and then you try to be a friend. Send them texts, email them, call them to say hi, and see how they are. And they do not respond back. They for weeks fail to contact you to do the same thing. And some even do not return your phone call when you leave a message. I can never understand how a friendship is suppose to be one sided. What gets me even more is those who tell you your so nice, and a great person. Then they ignore you and block your messages, or phone number, when you have not even contacted them in a week or two. They just put on a nice face, but show their bitchy and assholish side by blocking you. It never fails to amaze me, how difficult some people make it to be courtious to others, and just return a phone call even if its days later, and say sorry i was busy. Or now adays drop ya a quick email, or message on a messanger when they are on. But it seems they feel only those they are immediatly talking to they have time for. I remember when i was growing up. And cells were to expensive to get, and the internet was so new few knew how to use it at all or could. Back then people were more courtious and willing to return a phone call even if it was late, to say sorry i got your message how are you. And your procedded to play phone tag. This even happened with people who were long distance and the prices of calls were larger then they are now. But these days even with cheaper calls, and easier ways to contact people. We tend to forget who our real friends are, we tend to forget how to be friendly to those we once cared for. We tend to let technology and the vastness of the world itself which is now in our homes get in the way. Sometimes people figure for every one internet friend i lose i can find 5 others. While that may be true, sometimes you might be losing the best friend you could ever have. Sometimes the commonality of being polite to others is lost, and in the process you might lose someone who could be there for when you need it most. We also do not relise how we tend to imagine the internet as a game, rather then a reality. We look at Instant messages, as nothing, but think of phone calls as real. I would say that is the biggest failing of people on the internet in general. They tend to forget that on the other end is someone with feelings, someone real, someone who took time out of their life to get to know you. And if they were there downtown somewhere where you might run into them, you would treat them much diffrently. I guess what i can not understand, is how the computer/internet can make people believe that the person they are talking to is only part of their imagination. Or worse not worth caring about, when it comes to their feelings. This is a quandry i shale always ponder, for in my eyes, everyone i talk to, i try my best to treat as if they were real and in front of me. For i see them as a person, and the computer as a cheap or free way to communicate long distances. For me the internet is a blessing in a sence as it adds possibilitys to my life that i can not get anywhere else. Living in a small town you tend to know everyone, and meet few new people. For me this medium of communication is a way not only to gain new friends, but to build friendships that one day may help me in my time of need. Even if its just a ear to listen, or a hand to help me up. Because i will never assume the person on the other end will never meet me, for the world is small enough we can communicate across it fast and easily, and that also means travel is just as easy, maybe not immediate but it is there in a manor which all can use. (ps for those who think this is about them, it has nothing to do with anyone on the net, it has to do with someone locally who i met once and then proceded to be a bitch after i bought them dinner and they didnt even have the politness to say thanks after dinner, they emailed it to me instead.)

Time deals us no warning in life. It is the one constant we all must endure, from birth till our everlasting rest. But during that time, we seek love, compassion, joy, happiness, fun, friends, and much more then can be expressed. We aim to live and learn, we shoot for a stress free life. However those closest to us sometimes go before their time, and others go when it seems right for they have lived a long historic life. For me in these days of my life i have not only experianced near death on my own, but i also have had to deal with death within my family as all have. Lately i have begun to think due to my current family situation. I have lost 2 aunts, and a cousin so far this year. All to cancer. One of my uncles has been diagnosed with cancer and given 10 months to live. My aunt just down the road has fought breast cancer and lost both breasts. And now a new cancer has shown up, and her time is limited to 5 years. This makes me ponder what really makes life worth living. What really makes life worth the pain of loss. For me it is simple, the time spent with those you love. For me that time can not be stopped by distance, walls, or anything. For spending time with the ones i love, is what brings me memories i can always recall. And through those memories i keep them alive forever. I had a friend ask me how i could leave my family to move to be with someone far away. Especially with what is going on in my life now with my family. And i had no answer. But now i sit here and relise, those i love who are nearing their end. Those i have known all my life have created memories i will always have. And because of this, i would go to the ends of earth for the one i love. Even if without knowing i would only have months or a few years with that person. To me all those minutes with them would be worth the distance, and the obsticales to overcome to be with them would be worth every second spent. For those memories we would create would last a life time, and they would be memories i could obtain with no other person. No matter how great the next person might be, we are all unique in our own way, and because of that uniqueness there would be noone to create those memories i would have missed if i had not traveled the distance to be with them. That to me is the simplist form of all things. Also the time spent even in the bad with a person, creates a love noone can compare to another love. For being next to someone in their time of need, is the greatest way to show your desire to be with someone. True love sees no pain, True love knows nothing but the desire to be with someone. True love is that which we all seek, and True love wants to know every second of every day with that one person. True love can not ever be pushed away. And True love would still be strong even if your days were numbered by hours, and it would be there with you for those final moments in time to create a memory eternal, a memory of true love eternal. By this thought i now have a answer, that i can travel the world round for that one person i desire. I would not hesitate, i would not second guess, and even if they do not feel they are good enough for me. I would travel the world to find out on my own, for i am a people person, and i tend to see more then the next person. I have no idea how, i can only assume its a god's gift only to me. But i see more then most in others, i recognise those with good hearts and those with pains before more then a few words are spoken. And i chose those with good hearts, to be nearest and to offer my friendship and love to. So i say to those who have never felt true love, give it time, and it will come. It will be something new, and exciting. It sometimes feels like lighting, and to take a phrase from a friend. Sometimes its a tingle in your heart you have never felt. And those are the feelings that let you know not only its true, but that its right. So let your minds be free, let your hearts open up, and let your soul feel what you know is true. Remember life is short, life deals us new experiances. And Life itself is only made worth living when you find love and hold onto it. Remember to keep your friends close, those who stand by you in your times of needs, and the truest friends are those who put you along side their own family and concider you as part of their world. Those are the ones who love you for you and nothing more. May you find that lighting or that tingle, and may you remember those moments spent side by side, will create the greatest memories of a life time, the ones you will always cherish. (this blog is a bit disorganized but i do hope it gives those who read it something to ponder)

How do you convince someone that being treated well is something we all deserve? How do you show them that their past does not deside what they deserve? These are hard questions and i have no direct answers or solutions. But i can say this from my own heart. Everyone deserves to be treated right, no matter what has been done in their past to them. I do understand how hard it is to accept good things when your use to such bad things. But breaking that norm while hard is the best thing for everyone. We all desire to be loved, and cherished, we desire a friend and a lover who is true to their ending breath. Yet when we have bad experiance after bad experiance we tend to see that as our norm. We tend to deside that its us creating the bad realtionships, when we are not the ones to blame. Our only blame is not seeing the truth, but even the truth can lay hidden for days, months, or years. And once we see the truth alot of times we try to convince ourselfs its not real. This is natural, as noone wants to feel like a failure in their own eyes or in the minds of others. It is hard and i do understand that. I myself have my own problems, my own doubts about who i am. My only saving grace is to understand and to keep closest to my heart, is that in everyone is goodness, and in everyone is the ability to love. For me and i have had some woman who i dated, who felt that i was to nice. And they left me cause they were afraid they would hurt me. Well they failed to relise that life is not 100% fun and games, and there will be a time you hurt the other, unintentionally. And it is not the fact that you hurt them that matters, what matters is how you get passed it as lovers. For me all i can say to those who might think, hey this person is to nice for me. Because you have had nothing but bad times, or because you feel your not as good as them. Let me remind you of this simple fact. We all know that who you are around most, will influnce the person you are. If they cuss alot, you will cuss alot. If they are polite you will be polite. Actions of others around us, tend to shape us on the subconcious level. It happens to everyone and noone is immune. Sometimes we consiously avoid certain things that happen around us, like those who smoke pot and offer it to me, well i say no, cause i consiously do not want it. And you to might do the same with other things, language or actions around you. But you have to remember, those around us that help shape us, are the ones who make us who we are. Who we chose to assosiate with also shapes us, and for those who have that to nice a partner, or intrest remember this. If you feel you are not worthy of them, stop right there and think like this. Because of this person, i can learn to be a better person. So instead of thinking you have to avoid them, instead take them on board in your life, and encourage yourself to be near them. And subconsiously you will slowly change your outlook on life, and on yourself. As you relise everyone deserves to be treated well. Just like laughter is contagious, so is treating others well. And while you may not know how to do it yet, you will learn by example. And so long as you desire to be happy, you will one day be happy. Think of that nice person as something contagious something you want to catch, and keep them close, and never doubt yourself and how you will treat them. As they treat you well, you will treat them well in return. If your communication is good, and you do not take offence when they feel wronged, and tell you then you are a good person, one that is a great friend, and lover. And most importantly to remember is this, that nice person choses to give compassion and understanding to people. They also carry in them a larger ability to forgive then most, so even if you fell you treated them wrong, do not think your bad because of it. They will not hold it against you, and they will soon forget it happened. Just like you do with a child thats learning. We must remember in life we are all still children, and we must remember that learning is a never ending journey in life. And those nice people relise this, and will always forgive you when your down, and not feeling so good. Trust in them, and they will give you strength and happiness, and remember you do deserve it because those nice people chose who to give their love to. Copyright 31 March 2008 J. Stacy (aka uglypoet) Feel free to print this out if you want, i would spell check it first.. but please keep the copyright on it if you do thank you so much for your kind words.