vagabondshadow's blog: "real talk"

Silent Cell Phone Complex

I’m so disappointed… in people, once again.  What is a “friend?”  That word doesn’t exist in my life… By my definition, I don’t know what it feels like to have a friend.

I always imagined that friendships would be “even”.  In other words, both sides of the street are equal, instead of being a one sided road.  People use that cliché saying, but they don’t live up to it.

Perhaps I’m the fool for upholding the “fairness” in the relationship.

I’m starting to think that relationships are closer to being pimps and bitches.  You’re either the pimp, the big dog, or you’re the bitch, who ends up being the slave.  There is no, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.  There’s only, I scratch your back, then you run off after feeling relieved.  Why are people so selfish like that? Time and time again, I’ve observed people… humanity is failing.

Everyone is only looking out for themselves.  I know I’m the fool because I look out for other people, and I end up getting fucked over.  It’s so sad.  It’s the silent cell phone complex.  That’s what I’ll call it.

Why that name?  it’s because I carry around this cell phone that never rings… unless someone needs a favor or help with something.  I try something as simple as trying to coordinate a dinner before I deploy… no one’s around.  Wow! What the Fuck just happened?

I’ll tell you what happened.  People are too self-absorbed in their own little worlds.  It’s all about them.  I remember I used to call people all the time.  I spent quite a bit of time with people.  I felt like I had “friends”.  If they had trouble getting to a place, I gave them a ride (no gas money ever).  They needed to talk about how bad their job is, I listened… then…  I run into some problems of my own.  Maybe I had a bad day… maybe I need someone to talk to.  Surprise! No one to help me out.  Whatever happened to that two way street?  Big fucking surprise… doesn’t exist except in fairytale land.

The test…  Stop calling people for a couple weeks.  Let them call you.  See who calls and for what reason.  That’ll show you who are real friends and who’s just using you.  Sadly, for me… the list of real friends is near non-existent.  It was all a façade, just a bunch of people riding on my coat tails and looking for hand outs. 

So… I keep my cell phone, I’ve had the same phone number for years.  In fact, I’ve kept the phone from a state which I lived in only a year or so.  Just so that if anyone still kept my number, it would be the same.  Maybe there’d be a, “omg it’s been like forever, how’ve u been” call? Still hasn’t happened.  It’s been 7 years…

I know that once I started looking at relationships a different way, I started to change myself.  I used to be afraid to see movies alone, or go to a sit down restaurant alone.  But now, I do that, 99.9% of the time.  One could say, “Don’t you miss the dinner conversations?”  My response would be, “oh, you mean that one sided conversation where all that happens is I hear someone bitch and moan the whole time I’m trying to enjoy a decent meal.  Or, I end up wasting hours of my time, trying to coordinate into other people’s schedules.  What about MY time!!!???  Well, I solved that problem.  Sadly, it’s at the expense of ignorance.  I’ve grown to see people in a different kind of light.  The kind of light that reveals too much about the truth.  The cell phone stays silent…

here's something funny i observed a lil while back... well, have u ever seen a person walk into a glass door?  well...

i spend a fair amount of time at my sister's house, and the front door has an external door that's all glass.  i just thought it was really funny.  they had a distant aunt who's never been in the US before who was visiting.  she opens the interior wood door, then goes on to walk out, BAM! i didn't laugh out loud but i thought it was kinda silly to see a grown adult walk into glass and not realize what it was.

well, obviously, people from the old country don't live the lifestyle that we're all used to in the US.  the homes they live in, don't exactly have glass or moving doors even.  a life of luxury.

i sometimes wonder what my life would be like, if my parents never came to the US.  they came with help with the Lutheran Missionaries back during the vietnam war.

the crazy thing, before that war, the world didn't know who Hmong people were.  they had no idea there was another entire nationality of indigenous people living in south east asia.  so obviously, how to communicate???  luckily my dad and uncle had decent educations and they spoke in a third language.  my dad didn't speak english, and the americans didn't speak Hmong, but they communicated via french.

but luckily with french, they were able to understand that we weren't the enemy and that we were also in danger of persecution from the vietnamese.

but Hmong people overall, are a very poor and simplistic people.  they only know how to farm.  and we were a totally illiterate culture up until like 50 years ago.  can u imagine having an entire society that has NO written language?

so with no recorded history, we don't really know where we came from.  there's history that's passed down through word of mouth, and quilts that women make which depict events and stories.  but that's a quilt which isn't some kind of document that explains explicitly when or how things happened.  it's just generalized.

so, if anyone has seen that Clint Eastwood movie, Grand Turino, is has Hmong people in it.  it's a good movie, and i'm happy to see Hmong people getting some exposure to the american culture.  i still go to many places and people have never heard of Hmong people.  especially when i lived in Kansas for almost 2 years.  lol, i got pretty good at telling the story to just about everyone i met.

anyhow, what would my life be like without being here is the US?  i'm sure it'd be something i can't imagine.  i grew up eating taco bell and spaghettio's (with meatballs), i'm a big sci-fi tech nerd, i play volleyball and basketball, i drive like a madman (well, not so much these days).  but i'm the good kind of asian driver, lol.  hey! i hate the FOB drivers too, i know they suck! lol.

but imagine going into a world you're totally unfamiliar with... imagine not knowing what glass doors are and not recognizing the fact that you have to open that door too.  it seems so silly and obvious to us. 

i heard a funny story that my mom told me, when my dad went to his first day of work in the US... he didn't know he had to bring a lunch, and not having any money yet, he couldn't buy his own lunch.  so he went the whole day not having anything to eat until he went home.

well, i suppose it's our duty to learn what we can and pass down that information to the next generation.  there's things in my life that's all jacked up, and i'm going to do my best to inform the next generation on how to not jack it up the same way.

even if it's a simple thing like, Hey! that's a door, you have to open that one too. or, bring a lunch with, it's a full days work.

my vacation is almost done.  it seems like i didn't do as much as i wanted to.  i did spend a lot of time finding people on facebook and fubar. lol.

it's been a lot of work takin care of my past debts.  there's a lot of emotional investment and resentment.  but as i make progress, i do feel the burden get lighter.  it seems once again, like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  but at the same time, it's frustrating to not be able to just get past this small barrier.

it seems like everytime i start to make good progress, some obstacle or mishap happens.  i'm so close, i can feel it.  but it seems like i'm a month behind and always playing catch up.

i do know, it's giving me a litteral pain in the neck.  i'm gonna need another good massage to work out the kinks.

i need to do some more drawing.  it's been over 4 years since i did any artwork.  it'll probably be very therapeutic for me to work on a few projects.  i'm sure my style has changed since last time.  the way i see things has changed a lot lately.

i need to record some songs too.  i've played a few songs which i've forgotten what they were.  there was a lot of emotion put into them at the time, but i can't recall those songs.

guess there's been a string of things left undone... blah!

hmmm... always interested in interesting conversations.  guess i've never been good at small talk with people.  suppose the way i am makes that sorta thing difficult.  i'm more concerned with the bigger things in life to sweat the small stuff.

long story short, "what's the meaning of life?" "why are we here?" "what's the average velocity of a swallow in mid-air flight?"

i like to have conversations that probe our minds into enlightenment.  philosophy to sci-fi talk, real talk ;)