Flamin Nipples's blog: "Really Bad News"

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support through all that I've been going through. The prayers and kind words mean a lot. My whole life has been a tough one to live with, but it gets really hard when things hit me all at once sometimes. I always tell myself that I'll get through whatever comes my way cause I've already made it this far. I just don't always feel like I can. I usually feel like I can't do anything right and that I'm worthless. So I just want to thank all of you who have been there for me through these recent hard times. You're kind words, prayers and support have really helped a lot. I'm glad to have such good friends and family who are there for me. I just hope you know that I am here for you too. Take care everyone.

I have been home for about a week and a half now. I still struggle with things sometimes, but I feel like the time I spent away was good for me. I'm still not 100%, but I'm working on it. I have been struggling to get enough sleep, but I am eating again. My medication has been changed, I was having bad side affects from the medication I was taking . . . . my dreams became more vivid and real to me and it wasn't good. I've been getting help dealing with my past so things have come out a lot lately and it's tough. I'm just glad that I'm able to get the help now even if it is several years later. As far as other things, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I haven't felt like talking much since I got home, just trying to get back in the swing of things. I'll be looking for work and all next week and trying to figure things out for myself and the family. If you still have questions or feel like talking, leave a message and I'll get back to you or if you have my yahoo we can chat on there. Well I have been a lil sick so I'm gonna try to take a nap and get some rest before the kids get home from school. Take care everyone and I'll ttyl.

Just letting everyone know that I may not be online for a few days. I'm trying to get through this rough patch. I'll update everyone and let you know what all is going on when I get back online. I'm not sure what's going to happen. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm trying to get better, but it's been a really tough road for me to go down. If you want to know more before I come home you can try to get in touch with my husband and talk to him if you want. If you don't know how to reach him, then you're best bet is to wait until I get back online and I'll update you when I can.

I don't know how to deal with all that's going on in my life right now. I haven't even begun to deal with the miscarriage, because I had to go to my sons father's funeral. He died the same day I found out that I had a miscarriage. On friday night I went to the viewing and then out with our friends for a few drinks in Jeremy's memory afterwards. Logan's godfather was there and we all talked about things over drinks. It was nice to be around everyone and talk about things. I still can't believe he's gone. I don't know how to accept it or make sense of it. All I wanted was for things to get better and for Jeremy and our son to have a relationship. It hurts me so much that it will never happen. I know what it feels like to never know your father and you always wonder and there are so many questions left unanswered. I don't know how to deal with all this. I am trying my best, but it's so hard. I can't even talk about things that much or I start to cry. Jeremy was my first love and the father of my first born. We may have had hard times, but our love never died. We may have went our separate ways, but I know that we both still cared. I just wish that we had been able to fight a little harder for things to work out better for Logan so that they could have known each other. I am trying to make sense of things and can't. I can't even eat and only sleep when I can't hold my eyes open any longer. I haven't eaten in 2 days and the only thing I had to eat on saturday was a freakin borrito. I'm just not hungry and I don't want to do anything except sleep, which I can't even do. The fact that I still have to fight for my son just makes it even harder since my mom won't even let me see him. The one thing I want the most right now is to be able to hold our little boy in my arms and no matter how hard I try they won't let me see him. I just don't know how to get through this without our son by my side. Jeremy would rest better if Logan were back home with me where he should be and I would be able to get through it a little easier I think. Logan and I need each other right now more than anything. Not to mention the fact that Jeremy would want it that way. I just don't know how to go on with things the way they are now though.

Richard Jeremy Spires Commercial Diver CARROLLTON, Ga. - Mr. Richard (Jeremy) Spires, 27, entered into rest Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at the Tanner Medical Center. Memorial services will be held Sunday, October, 14 2007 at 2:00 P.M. in Calvary Baptist Church with Dr. Wayne Hunsucker officiating. Interment will follow in Hillcrest Memorial Park. Jeremy was a native of Augusta, Georgia and a Certified Commerical Diver. He was a member of Calvary Baptist Church where he taught Sunday School. He was well loved by the community and a friend to everyone he met. Jeremy has large extended family in the area including aunts, uncles, cousins, and adopted brothers and sisters as well as many friends. Survivors include his parents, Richard Eugene Spires of Charlotte, NC and Mary Hillman Williams of Beaufort, SC; maternal grandparents, Mary and Preston B. Hillman, Sr. of Augusta; paternal grandparents, Paul and Jennie Hankinson of Aiken, SC; daughter, Jasmine Nicole Spires of North Augusta, SC and a son Michael Logan Spires of Augusta, GA; brother, Richard Eric Spires of North Augusta, SC; sister, Jaimie Elizabeth Williams of Beaufort, SC. Pallbearer will be Travis Allen Holcomb. Honorary Pallbearers will be his fellow Dive Team members. Memorial contributions may be made in his name to the Diver's Alert Network (DAN) The Peter B. Bennett Center 6 West Colony Place, Durham, NC 27705. Chance & Hydrick Funeral Directors 2502 Richmond Hill Road, Augusta, Georgia 30906. ..>..> I want all my friends and family to know that I'm doing my best to deal with this, but it's really hard. I never thought that something like this would happen. I hoped that one day Logan could have a relationship with his father. Now that he's gone, that isn't possible it breaks my heart. I mourn for both myself and our son. Jeremy was my first love and the father to my oldest child. I still can't believe he's gone, but I know he's in a better place. He's watching over us all and we will always remember him. He will be missed by many and forever loved. I just hope and pray that his memories don't get lost and that our son knows all the good things. Our son suffers from this so much and I know how it feels to lose a father before you get the chance to know him. I was put a little at ease when I learned that Jeremy always talked about our son Logan and it was never with a dry eye. I know that he cared and loved him so much. We just lost our way, because my parents wouldn't let us be. I'm just glad that there is still family and friends around to share the memories and love that he has left behind for our son to know. I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this and don't know how I'm going to get through it. But I do know that I have people that are here for me and love me. I have a wonderful family now. I just wish that Jeremy and I had been given the chance to say things that were left unsaid. I hope that he knows that I loved him and that I always will. That never changed, even through all the hard times we had. I pray that he watches over us and gets the chance to see our son grow up. I will tell our son that he's our guardian angel and that he died a hero, doing what he loved. I'm so proud of you Jeremy and you will always hold a place in my heart. I promise our son will know about you and I will do everything I can to make sure that he knows his sister. I want you to know that your family and I will be staying close. Mom and Jamie are doing okay, and they told me about Dorothy. I now know why it was so hard for you that day I tried to share things with you about Logan. Oh and Dad has opened his home to me and my family any time. I know that this will hurt for a long time, but I will get through it for the sake of our son. We love you!

This has been a really bad week for me. First I find out that I miscarried for the fourth time and now to add to that. . . I have found out that my sons father died. I am going to the funeral home tonight and the funeral is on sunday. I don't have all the details yet, but will probably post more later when I know more. I am a little scatter brained and yes I'm an emotional wreck. I'm doing the best that I can I guess. I just don't know what to do. My son is only six and doesn't understand that kind of thing yet. ~ I also just found out that my son has a half sister as well. Her name is Jasmine Nicole and I will be trying to make sure that there will be a contact between her and my son in the future. Anyway, I need to get off here and get ready to go to the funeral home, so I'll talk to everyone later. Thanks for all the support that you all have given me during this hard time. You have all been great friends.