heres some old poetry that i wrote. you can read if you like. and comments would be oblidged. im thinking of going back to school to become some sort of writer. so let me know if im crazy or if i might have something going...... anyways here goes..
fallin swiftly on my own
knowin desperation just past
in a daze to all of life
living and wishin
wishin it would all end
take this everlasting pain
my heart it quakes
not much more can i take
my hands are shakey now
tears rushing down my cheeks
cant see the pages
blurred vision, blurred thoughts
knowing now that all is wasted
what am i here for?
the pain and the struggles
knowing that i was wrong
knowing that i am wrong
knowing that im always wrong
what am i here for?
am i still living?
is it worth it? to open up
when i know that all awaiting me is pain?
knowing that ill never be happy
never be truely happy
i just wanna run away
never look back
live alone so i may not touch again
not try to love again
promises have been shattered
i will never let anyone close again
twice to be burned, none will share my fate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dad, you were right, just want you to know
that you were right, i am stupid, ugly, and worthless
an empty silence in my brain. it is finally quiet
i know now what to do.
leave this dreadful world
just run, run run run
no reason to stay anymore
no reason to care
no reason but fear
never questioned the feelings
knew it was true
knew it would happen
WRONG.
take my heart and shatter it
take my hope n it dwindles
alone and empty
tired and shamed
never again, never again
never,never,never.
let it end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
smokin alone
the cold streets heed my call
death rates rising
the fires still burning
the sounds of anguish
the cries of terror
they kneel before me
i break bones with my stories
break hearts with my words,
all is unknowning,
my fate pre told,
i am the answer,
i am the key,
i can bring your happiness,
or your crushin defeat,
choose to side with me,
or choose death and eterenal sleep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i hate this feeling
deep in my gut
cant let it be known
cant let it grow
its sickening to hold on
its heart wrenching to let go
tired everynight
wakin up exhausted,
holding on to nothing
taking my dreams and crumbling them in her hands,
takin my thoughts and twisting them with her will,
let me be, oh let me be,
i just wanna figure myself out,
but she keeps callin me back,
every lil thought i jump on,
an every lil impulse acted upon,
what does it take to be strong?
what does it take to not die for them?
what does it take to last forever,
tell me what does it take?
oh what? oh what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i dont wanna be part of the game again,
i dont wanna waist my life away,
dont wanna just throw it all away,
its so easy to give in,
so god damn easy,
i just wanna throw it all away,
drive into a river,
take out ever fucker ever crossed me,
im to nice,
im to emotional,
im to sad,
im to mad,
i am just fucked up,
your best bet is to stay away from me forever,
im a loner, i will live on alone, an i will die alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
chaos is coming for you
never forget, it will wait for you
wait in your dreams
wait in your heart
and then it will lunge at you
keep your mind on your duty
to protect you
your duty on your goals
to make you strong
preperation for your struggles
its a constant battle
you live life for you
make no exception
laugh at whats truely funny
dont laugh to fit in
make friends with those you talk to
have real conversations
and dont forget to look back
look forward, and live in the now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pefectly New
wakin up daylight is burnin my eyes
last tear i shed runnin down my face
cant hold on, cant lose touch
the last saved for tomorrow
the new turned out to dust
why cant we all be like you
why cant we all be perfectly new
tired and ugly, broken and weak,
my last days i wanna spend with you
my last eternity is through you
i dont wanna live without you
i dont wanna live through you
why cant we all be like you
perfectly new
i cant scream how i hate it
i cant die this day
my last fears when i wake up
is dying without you
how many nights i cry
how many thoughts till i die
what does it take to be
like you
perfectly new
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you dont kno me
you dont want to
im wasted
im broken
battered, stranded
alone for this life
this lonely woeful life
hard times ahead,
the paths unclear
jagged edges of the
wet sand floor,
grabbin my ankles
slowing my step
tearing my heartbeats
crushing my chest
my crys are not spoken
the answers unknown
this is the story untold
this is the secret known
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
why, why do you stand out to me?
why must i feel these for you?
to know the love i feel
to know it cannot be shared
it is wasted, as i am
it is fading, as i am
i know one thing, in this shallow earth
that for you to love me,
death would come first,
my time is definitly fleeting now
as my heart quickens,
a tear released,
the pain beccons
it is wasted, as i am
it is fading, as i am
my vision is blurry
my anger dispersed
mind is empty
my heart is cursed
it is wasted, as i am
it is fading, as i am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i just wanna be right for you
hell with all these rhymes
realizin now how long
ive been without you
treadin all these pain filled paths
without you by my side
im sick of all the bullshit
i want somethin pure, somethin dirty
something better than all
i want you
i want you by my side
in the struggle
i want you
just wanna be the right man for you
the right boy for you
whatever you want, just name the price
ill die one hundred times if itll make it right
i miss seein your smile, i miss seein your walk
i miss all the lil things that makes you
i just want you
so smart, so strong, so independent
searchin for the answers to the undying questions
the struggles cannot be challenged alone
i can feel you wanting me, just let go
release all your troubles, and all your fears
ill be here to cease your tears
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my body quivers, so cold,
so lonely, my heart shrinks in its solitude,
how long has it been? how long has it been?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
grab that gun live or die
fight for life
they teach you the answers
they tell you the questions
march the beat
hate the same
live the lies
boast the horror
tell the future
lies all crumble
grab that gun
hold it tight
kill for our future
maim for our past
hate for the same
laugh for the last
death is upon you
just grab that gun
hold it tight
grab the gun
hold tight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gave you my heart
you gave me your smile
i gave you my touch
you gave me it too
i should have been more careful
i shouldnt let this slip through
my pain is unimaginable
my heart with a whole searing through
this isnt what i wanted
this isnt what i need
i gave you my heart
youve thrown it back at me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many times can i question
How long can i sit here alone
wishin you would come close to me
i wish i could have been the smartest
i wish i could have been the coolest
but all i am is me
its never enough for them
never enough for me
my happiness will never be
so scared and lonely, so tired n hurting
sometimes i cry for me,
i cant let this happen again
i cant become so weak
another tear rolls down my cheek
i thought i could handle it
i thought this time would be different
the one worth all my pain
the one worth the struggles
I realize now it will never happen
not for a man like me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My inspiration is through the sadness,
never have written in glee
only tears and darkness shrouds me
my only thought is to flee
to run away from this pain
to drop it all an walk the fear away
i cant cry when i hate it
i cant sleep when i fear it
the sadness burning a whole into me
i wanna punch through buildings
i wanna fight everything
im turning against it all
with this madness burning inside of me
id like to tell you what youve started
tell you how you hurt me
share the pain with a thousand souls
but i fear that they would never see
how long ive been hurting
how long ive ceased to be
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vulnerable and Lonely
tired and sick
this swollen heart in my chest
has shrunken like an ice cube
leave me in the sun, im melting
losing form now, I spill over the edges
i lose all control
this mess of a life
a chaotic, hectic life
filled of pain and utter solitude
its all my fault i left it open
i gaev out the key
i didnt have to think you feel like me
i lost it an i cry from it now
this is my burden to bear
only i can feel the stare
the cold dead stare, black and coming to me
its getting darker now, feel it shifting
the sand beneath my feet
the more i fight the feelings
the tighter it grabs me
the more i run, the tighter it grasps me
cant escape, cant look back,
must face the fear and utter nothing
accept the pain and never love again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A day of reckoning is upon us
where shadows twist and turn
a new dusk is forming
where the winds never cease
he looks about and the open plains tremble
the earth stirs beneath his feet
the sky fades to black
and a new moon rises to the east
the day is born with the overcast skies
the new tomorrow is here
we heed his calling
in the distance, a cry is heard
the first born of the last age
the last existence of this race
he turns as a shiver escapes him
the slow dry breath upon his back
dead leaves churn about him
across the shadows comes the great force
he feels them, overpowering and gets lost in the tide
awoken, the light upon him, and the shackles rattle
the slow march in the quest of destruction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its boiling up again
complex emotions unflowing
turning up the heat on my soul
how much longer can i stand
before my legs give in
before i lie awake again
tell me to stop, tell me to not
as if it was that easy
you say that you want me open
well here i am, waiting for your to hold my hand
i llike you so much it hurts to stand
knowing you feel it too
although you say its mute
making me open up for you,
now you hold back from me
i feel safe in your touch
invincible in your presence
the fact that you never leave my mind
makes me miss your smiles, your glare,
the way you comb your dark, dark hair.
i feel like a substitute lover
when the real thing is back,
im kicked to the gutter
no more smiles for me
no more late nights in my arms
only robotic friendly chatter
teasing me at the depths of my soul
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its Christmas morning as i sit alone
here i rest with unexpected urgency
a present for you, and a hex on me
no longer can i share safely
with you in his arms i cry softly
fallen on deaf ears unable to stop me
knew this day would come
now this day is here
here i sit and finally come my tears
there they are, my fears to see
unable tos top due to outrageous anxiety
never thought id get this bad
promises once again to not get this sad
however much this pain irks me
i vow not to give up on feelings so passionatly
i now know im not the norm
i now feel i break the mold
wishin id be the one youd hold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loneliness and Solitude
it grabs me desperately
Loneliness and solitude
only thing here for me
loneliness and solitude
it keeps me near the pain
lonliness and solitude
all i have to gain
loneliness and solitude
drags me to my knees
lonliness and solitude
all i feel are these
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once again here i rest
alone and quiet on my own
reasons for this sudden onslaught unknown
my body quiverse, my heart is cold
awoken to the pain i know is my own
didnt want it to turn this way
yet i will stand strong
the fate we share
is one i hold true
never let go, never let slip
its you ive wanted
its you who i now miss
holding fate so strongly i will not cry
my destiny pre told
this being the reason im so bold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here it comes sneaking upon me
never thought id feel jealousy
without you by my side
trusting blindly, taking love for a ride
walking on the edge of a sword
hanging on my hearts last chord
after this there will be no others
to much pain my souls to stretched
my body can take no more
quivering with each embrace
loving you so much
feeling that you regret each touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
wish i could put it into words
something you could grasp and see
words to stifiling to show what you mean to me
cant explain the pain,
cant be asked to share
now everything is tand for thrown off to the sea
I wish i could put it into words
wish i could make you feel
wish i could just get it or not
then id stop feeling this way
couldnt have imagined this
couldnt havep redicted this
but now im on my own
im just lonely
sorry for wanting to hold you
sorry for letting that slip
your my sun, my moon
without, i cant live
there will always be nothing inside me
until you wish to fill it
there will always be pain
until the stars shine upon me again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
was i wrong?
aim i faking this pain
was i wrong?
for holding you in my arms
was i wrong?
for feeling alive in your presence
am i wrong?
to still love you with all my heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
gazing into twilight
feeling alone and scared
unsure of it all
until you writhin my gaze
feeling nothing but joy
with you in my arms
i feel strong, complete
couldnt have wished for more
wondering if i deserve this life
making me stronger, each breath of you i take
spilling my inner secrets
upon the open book of our days
after all the beatings, all the shame
my heart cries out one sweet name
brought upon me from the heavens
the perfect girl for this imperfect man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
here i go again
staring so deeply in your eyes
here i go again
losing myself in your every embrace
here i go again
feeling our souls touch every day
