Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

[Tool. Right In Two]
Angels on the sideline
Puzzled and amused
Why did the father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused

Don't these talking monkeys
Know that Eden has enough to go around
Plenty in this holy garden, silly old monkeys
Where there's one, you're bound to divide it

Right in two

Angels on the sideline
Baffled and confused
Father blessed them with reason
And this is what they choose

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys, give them thumbs
They forge a blade
And when there's one, they're bound to divide it

Right in two

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys, give them thumbs
They make a club and beat their brother down

How they survived so misguided
Is a mystery
Repugnant is a creature
Who would squander the ability
To lift an eye to heaven
Conscious of his fleeting time here

Got to divide it all right in two

They fight, till they die
Over earth, over sky
They fight, over life,
Over brawn, over air and light,
Over love, over sun. Over blood
They fight, or they die, all for what? For our rising!

Angels on the sideline again
Been too long with patience and reason
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end

Got to divide it all right in two

Right in two....

[Tool. Ænema]
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
Certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit
Three ring
Circus sideshow of

Freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call LA
The only way to
Fix it is to
Flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay

Fret for your figure
And fret for your latte
And fret for your lawsuit
And fret for your hairpiece
And fret for your Prozac
And fret for your pilot
And fret for your contract
And fret for you car it's a
Bullshit
Three ring
Circus sideshow of

Freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call LA
The only way to
Fix it is to
Flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay

Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits and
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
Certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit
Silly shit
Stupid shit

One great big festering neon distraction
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied
Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Mom's going to fix it all soon
Mom's coming 'round to put it back the way it ought to be

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Fuck L Ron Hubbarb
And fuck all his clones
Fuck all these gun-toting hep gangsta wannabe's
Fuck retro-anything
Fuck your tattoos
Fuck all you junkies
And fuck your shortened memory

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Fuck smiling gladhands with hidden agendas
Fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

'Cause I'm praying for rain
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I want to watch it all go down
Ma' please flush it all away
I want to see it go right in and down
I want to watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away

Time to bring it down again
Don't just call me a pessimist
Try and read between the lines
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend

I want to see it come down
Suck it down
Flush it down


Been thinking tonight... and it isn't that I don't want anyone's help... because I do. I'm not that daft... but the truth is, I've dug myself in too deep. I'm beyond help... the only way it's going to get is worse. It might stay the same, this is possible, but it won't get any better. I floated away from humanity for far too fucking long. True human relationships. To even know where to begin on how to handle them. I do the best I can, I fake it with the best... Maybe fake isn't the right word, it's probably not. Because... it's sincere, what I feel for humans (in general or specific, it's all different, so I'm covering the gamut. Love and Hatred [or seething loathing for that matter]) I can go through the motions well enough to fit in without being found out too bad, but not too well, either. None of it really matters, in the end, really. I'll either survive or I won't. Pretty black and white on that one. Live or die. Pretty simple. At least biologically speaking. Some would say that what I do isn't Living in the general sense of things, but that's neither here nor there. It just isn't. I survive.

"Survival is my only friend..."

That's good enough with me. Some people can handle it, some cannot, and I can't ... totally off subject, really. But I can't go talking to my "friends" or "acquaintances" or "loved ones" because... well, there are a few reasons. One, I don't know how. Two, I don't know where to begin. Three, opening up and being open is not in my genetic wiring. Four, I've lost too many of the above when I've opened up and I've learned from my mistakes. They all became very disinterested in maintaining a friendship or much of anything after that. One or two exceptions, maybe, or maybe they were just too thickheaded to really let it sink in.

Funny story.

Me and [insert ex's name here... if you know, grand. if not, too bad] were together for just shy of two years [one week shy, to the day, actually... (hint)] and one night... I had a relapse, if you will. A moment of weakness (trust), and confided some pretty heavy shit to this person. In essence, I opened myself up like a side of beef on the butcher's block. Within 24 hours, I was dismissed. After two years and a thousand promises.

Is this coincidence? Highly possible. Well, theoretically possible...

And an interesting post-script to that story... I woke up the next morning after 3 hours of sleep (after opening up) and had the worst fucking heartburn I have ever had. To this day. It felt like I had drank battery acid. Not fun, let me tell you. Not something I recommend... but you know, shit happens.

Since then, I decided a handful of things, one or two of which I have reneged on.

One, I wasn't going to try my hand on the whole opening-up thing, even after 2 years of servitude as my significant other....

Two, I'm never sleeping in a bed without a headboard or some other form of backstop again (the pillow got pushed back and ...let's just say that attributed to the heartburn, and is one of the reasons I sleep with so many fucking pillows)

Three, I would never get into another relationship again, I would live as a pseudo-asexual monk. (pseudo because, I know that if it weren't for two things I'd never survive... music and fucking) [This is one I reneged on, and I'm not complaining, but it's a fact]

and... I think there were a couple other decisions amongst the Ashes of that debacle. Well, there are, actually, but they were things I decided in the last year and really have no baring on this story. Just the way it is, I'm sure you understand. Trivial details.

But really, that's the long and the short of it, at least for the immediate purposes...

Honestly, I'm too far fucking gone to be fixed or helped by anyone on the outside, and I'm too lazy to deal with it myself. Also, too scared....

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


I suppose it's all semantics and bullshit, really, but I won't ask my friends or acquaintances to battle my monsters or my demons with me. It's not their concern, it's not their problem, and as old as these skeletons and zombies are, no one would give a shit. A lot of it has to do with my childhood and the way I was raised, perhaps. Not necessarily how I was raised [-smirks-] but with my childhood in general. Keep in mind that during those key developmental years, I did not have friends. IE. From birth to about Junior High or High School, I was alone. I was alone. Plain and simple. I had no one that I could go do. Family or friends included. So I learned to be, really, self-sufficient in the way of my emotions and turmoil. I took care of it on my own, and by the time I had acquaintances, it was too late.

I was already to set in my ways and my arrogance.

Which is where and why the whole not knowing how thing kicks in. Pretty basic ... I'm a socially fucked and inept person. It's not personal that I don't open up to people, really. It's a general thing, and just the way I was wired. I was wired to stand stoically and take what was given to me. Ever seen Animal House? The scene where Kevin Bacon is getting spanked by Neidermeijer? "Thank you sir, may I have another?" A bit like that.

Why do I relate myself to lyrics and book passages and movie quotes? Because that's what I had growing up. Those were my friends, and how I learned to communicate, in a way. They communicate better than I do. I can write, I suppose. People say I can, I'm a bit on the fence about it, but whatever. But that's different. Plugging words into their mouths is easier than my own, because I know the other half of the conversation too, I reckon. Am I a control freak? Oh, it's possible. Maybe, possibly, kinda sorta.

-shrugs-

I was getting to a point and I lost it, and my brain is a bit frazzled....

Fraggle Rock...

I don't know... fuck it. I'm out.

[Tool. H.]
What's coming through is alive
What's holding up is a mirror
What's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn my piss to wine

They're both totally void of hate
Killing me just the same and
The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again, now
Considerately...

Venomous voice
Tempts me and
Drains me
Bleeds me
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like
Some sweet gravity

Snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again, now
And I feel this coming over like the storm again, now
I am too connected to you
To slip away, fade away
Days away I
Still feel you, touching me, changing me
Considerately killing me
Considerately killing me

Without the skin here
Beneath the storm
Under these tears, now
The walls came down
Once the snake is drowned
There's a look in his eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I could have cried then,
I should have cried then

As the walls come down
And there's a look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
And will die
It's alright
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind

I am too connected to you
To slip away, fade away
Days away I
Still feel you
Touching me, changing me and
Considerately killing me
Considerately killing me

So, the rumour is that there was an attack on this nation in September of '01, I'm sure everyone here remembers the small bit of media coverage it garnered. Actually, I'm sure everyone here remembers it with startling clarity. I don't, I was working 3rd shift at the time and was asleep.

But that's not the point.

Until that point, the nation was kinda groovy and cool. We were relaxed and pretty awesome, one of the single best nations on the planet. Sure, we had a dunce for a president, but come on, we survived Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan, didn't we? We could survive this nincompoop with no trouble, but then two atom bombs were dropped on NYC, and the nation changed. For the better, for the worse. In the direct aftermath, it was actually interesting to watch. We were all terrified, and being extra friendly to one another, but after the shock war off, we were no longer united. There were lines being drawn in the sand, and it became very much like grade school. Very cliqueish, especially after Voldemort declared on national television, global television in this world of satellite and news agencies being broadcast around the world "You're either with us or with the terr'rists."

If only life were that simple, W.

There is no black and white in this universe only varying and subtle shades of grey. We sat in our homes and we watched, and slowly this mentality began to spiral out of control. We, as in the country, became divided into Red States and Blue States, and both sides were taking pot-shots at the others and still are.

The Democrats are liberal elitist intellectuals, and the Republicans are idiotic neanderthals holding onto their God and Guns, but once again - it's not that simple, but that is how each side is viewed by the other. We, as a nation, have come totally polarised. It's trying to change, maybe, now that we have a more open and friendly president, perhaps. He could have shivvied that divide deeper, he could have used that Executive Power that numb nuts had, and forced through all the changes that, in all actuality, need(ed) to be made. But he didn't. What did he do? By god, he tried to do it through the normal channels and all that.

But the fact still remains, thanks to Fox Noise and Sarah Palin, we're still divided. They're forcing it, when the Powers are trying to rejoin us. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Circa the Civil War, perhaps? We have been at such a point in our nations history - the threat of secession. The reasons are, in essence, different, but the fact remains the same.

It is reported that the Queen wanted the states divided, for whatever reasons (Mostly trading with the South [cotton and the like] as I recall), but including the fact that a divided United States would be easier to topple. It would be a pair of ogre's instead of a giant. (It is said that, one of the Japanese generals upon the bombing of Pearl Harbor stated that they had just woken a sleeping giant.) And it will be.

While I'm the first to admit, I take my fair share of pot shots at Republicans and anyone who clings to their God and Ignorance before knowledge, I also understand - we need to be groovy and cool and chill and agree to disagree and not go head-to-head. Take your churches and your people riding dinosaurs, whatever you want. I'll continue to sit back and giggle at the silliness of your superstitions, but that's just the way I am. I won't think less of you, per se.

But, back to the point. When those planes were dropped, I wonder if this was part of the intentions. A half-intelligent, imbecile of a president would undoubtedly do what W did, and maybe "they" saw that, they knew it from the get. Maybe there intentions were to, indeed, expose that chasm in our culture and drive us apart. Or maybe it was an unexpected bonus for them. Maybe they didn't think it would topple the way it did. I don't know, I'm not going to try and speculate on Saudi Arabian terr'rists ideology, but the fact still remains - we are where we are, in these Red States and Blue States because of it, at least in part.

I know, there's always been that division, but it was relaxed and groovy, it was dislike not venom-spitting contempt. Though, as we know from the Sixties, war has become a way to polarize this nation. The Hippies vs. The Squares, in a way. Same shit, forty years later only with vague difference. History is destined to repeat itself, isn't it? If only, as a species, we could retain that history and study it and learn from it, to progress in our understanding of existence. Novel idea, and it certainly hasn't been tried yet.

The sad thing is, we're knee-deep in the debris of the Fall of the New Roman Empire. Let's just hope we can clear it up before we suffocate in it. Before we drown in the hatred of our fathers and grandfathers.

Most of it, maybe is generational and nurture vs. nature... Our parents are what make up most of the Republican Voting Base, but they have sunk their claws into this generation and those below us in a volatile way. The children today - well, the children today is a subject for another day, but I feel very sorry for the generations after mine. They will not remember a time when it was relaxed and groovy, without the dividing lines in the sand. They won't remember a time before the Orwellian Patriot Act, but I suppose that, that is neither here nor there.

Just think about it... United we stand, divided we fall.

There is no point in arguing or battling politics anymore. It's bloody pointless. Both Major Parties are owned and operated by the corporations that they serve like gleeful slaves. Like House-Elves, if you want a good pop-culture reference. And the corporations are too big, too big to fail. They cannot be toppled, even with napalm.

We are all slaves to General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Wal-Mart, Lilly Pharmaceuticals. We are owned and operated by Coke and Pepsi, Microsoft, Apple, Kellogg and Quaker. We are owned by UMG (Universal Music Group), Paramount Motion Pictures and Pixar. We are owned by Juan Valdez and Starfucks. We are owned by the greed of churches. We are owned by Remington and Smith & Wesson. Dow Chemical and Marlboro cigarettes. We are owned by Budweiser and Jack Daniels. Sara Lee and Pizza Hut. We are owned by McDonald's and KFC. We are owned by Kroger and Trader Joe's. Enslaved to Exxon and Shell and Haliburton.

The american dream is aptly named, because you have to be asleep to fucking believe it....

We have sold our souls and any concept of individuality to capitalism and power. The government and the corporations, standing together as one foe to the common person. We have been snowballed into believing we may, one day, perhaps get our piece of the pie. United they stand, and they will not fall. They will for always rule us under their thumb, hold us in their iron grip and smirk down at us as we enjoy every moment. They will tell us what to buy and what to believe, how to act and how to view the world.

The only answer, to topple the system now (Outside of maybe carpet bombing major cities), is suicide. A few million people kill themselves in protest and it will cut into those profit margins right fucking quick. The only way to beat the system is to leave this mortal coil, until they are broke and penniless. Paupers on Wall Street and Pennsylvania Avenue. Panhandling to the masses that are no longer there. All they want is money.

Money, that's what I want

Your money. By the fistful.

So what can we do realistically? Quit buying things? Haha. They have got us by the short and curlies. By the balls, son. We'll be tempted. It's (They're) all around us with flashing neon signs. BUY MORE! BUY MORE! BUY MORE! useless shit you don't even want or could possibly need. It's there and we as a people are weak and we are lazy. They have helped make us that way, to eat from the palm of their fucking hands. We didn't know it was happening, I don't think, and now it's too late. We have been beaten into submission.

We the People are... slaves and have been for a century. Slowly but surely they have bought us all. And they're making ready to sell us to the highest bidder.

We could never bring ourselves to quit sucking at their tit, not long enough to actually take a breath and walk away from it. The cities have spread out so far that the only means of transportation is cars... Cars and Oil. There's not enough land anymore to grow our own food to eat, our own crops to clothe ourselves, and we've grown so lazy (and apathetic) we couldn't do what it takes to get that in order. We could not grow and harvest our own food unless it's on a fucking computer, and we sure as shit could never begin to fathom how to weave linen to make our coverings, and there aren't enough wild animals left on the planet to kill to make leather coverings.

We the people are... fucked. Destined to die in their back pocket inside their fat fucking wallet, serving them for our entire lives. From the moment we are born and our parents strap us into Huggies to the day we're laying in the hospital dressed in Depends, breathing our last rattled breath. Logos and brand names are all we concern ourselves with.

We the people are owned like so many cattle being lead to the slaughter.

So... on the way home from getting a pair of pizza's today, I saw a woman puttering home on her electric wheelchair. I kinda felt bad, it was getting near 80 degrees and she was well over 600 pounds. Sad, really. Well, about 30 yards down, I saw a woman who was puttering along in her electric wheelchair in the opposite direction... she was around 400 pounds. Part of me wanted to stop. Slam on the brakes, with all the screechy wailing of tires on blacktop and take a picture of this sight... and give it the caption of "WHEN WORLD'S COLLIDE" but i thought it might be a little rude. There was traffic behind me and all...

"I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note, they celebrate easter the same way we do, by commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit, left chocolate eggs in the night. I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody? anybody got any clues out there?

"Where do you get this shit from? Y'know, why those two things? Y'know, why not gold fish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? Y'know, as long as we're making shit up, let's go hog wild. Y'know? At least a gold fish with a Lincoln Log on its back going across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it. mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln log in my sock drawer. 'That's the story of Jesus.'

"Who comes up with this shit? I've read the bible, I can't find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in that fucking book...

"Did you all have different books of the bible than I do?"

-Bill Hicks

<b>nine inch nails.even deeper</b>i woke up today. to find myself in the other place. with a trail of my footprints. from where i ran away. seems everything i've heard just might be true. you know me, well you think you do. sometimes i have everything, yet i wish i felt something. do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome. it runs even deeper. in a dream, i'm a different me. a perfect you, we fit perfectly. for once in my life, i feel complete. and i still want to ruin it. afraid to look. as clear as day. this plan has long been underway. i hear them call, i cannot stay. the voice inviting me away. do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome. it runs even deeper. everything that matters is gone. all the hands of hope have withdrawn. could you try to help me hang on. it runs... i'm straight, i won't crack. on my way and i can't turn back. i'm okay, i'm on track. on my way and i can't go back. i've stayed, on this track. gone too far, and i can't go back. i've stayed, on this track. lost my way, can't go back... So, really. Everyone does, or at least used to, have the album that defines their life. That is the turning point and becomes the soundtrack to their lives... The one that really touches them and points them onto the right path. Or the wrong path, whatever. We're not going to argue semantics. And the album THE FRAGILE was it, for me. And is it, for me. It came to me in the fall of '99. Early september... Yeah, it just had it's tenth birthday, and when I realized it, it made me... happy. To think that it sounds just as fresh and resonates just as well today? That's an achievement. But it came to me in the fall of '99... that was the fall that me and The Catholic were getting together, or were already together. The actual start date on that one was a bit hazy to begin with, now with ten years gone? I have no clue. I know the sequence of events, all too well, but the actual timeline is lost. I think we were already together. That should've been July or August of '99. Because it was before school started... and well, my story behind everything there is not for now, not for here. But it was a chaotic time in my life, being all of 17. God... I wish I could remember it better, only 10 years ago. But, I can't. Some of that I can attribute to lysergicacid dyethalemyde, and if I fucked up the spelling, you'll live. But that's a cheap excuse. When the album came out, I kept it in a plastic bag, to keep it safe as it was transported from place to place... I already knew it was going to be special. Beautiful. and there it is, but this was the album that helped me through that (The Catholic) debacle. It gave me sanity, it gave me something tangible to hold onto. It's just interesting... there are days where I feel to the contrary, where other albums hold the same importance to me, but really? It's not true. Maybe I want to distance myself from the album, from the time... That's possible. Because there's a lot of pain attached to it, to the memories about the album that I may never forget, no matter how badly I may want to. It's highly possible. But the thing is, the album, when I put it on, always takes me to a place of comfort, more than any person ever has. It's a Safe-Place. I can throw it on, and maybe transport my mind back to the calm of '99, to the joy and excitement of a new nine inch nails record (keep in mind, the last new nine inch nails record was '94s The Downward Spiral... and at 17? That felt like an eternity)... maybe that's why it does that, or maybe it's because there are so many fucking songs on it that I relate to, that run in a parallel to my life, to my thinking. Maybe because it's the best friend I never had. The one who was always there, damn the consequences... and, unlike a book, it only takes 100 minutes to reach the end of, then it starts all over again. Now what is it that makes The Fragile different than say... Pretty Hate Machine? Broken? The Downward Spiral? With Teeth? or Year Zero? or even GHOSTS I-IV? I couldn't tell you. Those albums mean a great deal to me, in their own way. PHM is more focused around love, or lost-love... or as someone once put it, 'I hate myself and want to fuck'... Broken is an assault on the senses. It comes in with 'pinion', a brooding intro, and smashes you in the mouth with WISH... from there on? It's brutal, and has been dubbed the 'I hate myself and want to kill' album, and when I'm in one of those moods? Where I want to spill blood by the gallons? It's on. And coincidentally enough, it's the album that I write best to. Not because of the brutality, but because of the tempo, and it's not really dynamic. It's in your face... And it just keeps my fingers moving across this little keyboard. I wrote the entirety of In Waiting to 'broken'. Then, of course, we have 'the downward spiral'... Personally, not my favourite album in hindsight, but once I put it on, I remember how beautiful it is. Contradictory? Not so much. TDS is a ... complicated album to say the least, and I can't go into it here.... but you get the point? These albums all have their high and low points... Not so many low points, but there is something about them that doesn't resonate the same way that The Fragile does... It doesn't really matter, I suppose. If someone were to ask me, I'd have to say The Fragile is hands-down, my favourite album of all time. It has, and it will continue to keep me sane. Or at least, give me some hope for tomorrow. Which is funny, because the structure of the story is ... How do describe it short and succinct? It starts at the bottom, rises to the top, and finds itself at the bottom again, cycling back to the beginning. Much like The Wall... the Pink Floyd album ...It's a vicious cycle that may never truly fix itself. Do you care about any of this, probably not, and that's okay. In an odd sort of way, I'm at peace, and I simply don't care. It's alright, I don't mind. The chaos of the last few weeks finally... exploded last night, and I'm sifting through the pieces. Lost like 3-4 friends last night in one fell swoop. Well, okay. 1 friend and a few acquaintances, and then there were none. Kind of funny, really. Just, cut my losses, I suppose. It's ugly and I don't care to discuss it in detail, so we won't. The only motherfucker is, Winter is coming. I don't like Winter to begin with, and I sure as fuck hate it when going in alone. Fucking SAD shit. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Something like that... I don't know for certain. I just fucking hate winter. It's already starting to take affect and it's only October. This winter won't be pretty. <b>nine inch nails.where is everybody?</b>did you happen to catch? or did it happen so fast, that what you thought would last has past you by. is everything speeding up? or am i slowing down? i'm just spinning around. and i don't know why. all the pieces don't fit. thought i really didn't give a shit. i never wanted to be like you. but for all i aspire, i'm only a liar. and i'm running out of things i can do. i'd like to stay. but every day. everything pushes me farther away. if you could show. help me to know. how it's supposed to be. where did it go? pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding. feeding, exceeding. where is everybody? trying and lying, defying denying. crying and dying. where is everybody?well okay, enough. you've had your fun. but c'mon, there has got to be someone. hasn't yet become. so numb and succumb. and god damn. i am so tired of pretending. of wishing i was ending. when all i'm really doing is trying to hide. keep it inside. fill it with lies. open my eyes. maybe i wish i could try. pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding. feeding, exceeding. where is everybody? trying and lying, defying, denying, crying and dying. where is everybody? Yeah... that's the song for winter. Lol. Oh well, those who manage to stick around through winter with me are my true friends, I suppose. A lot of tests coming, I see. A few have already fallen by the wayside. It's sad, but there's nothing I can do about it, it's not my choice. If it were my choice, it'd be vaguely different. Now... I'm sure someone will say, if you don't like it, change it. If only it were that easy. That would involve changing who I am, and I'm not about to do that. I have ethics, I yam who I yam. I'm not going to put on a plastic smile and tell them that everything is okie dokie when it isn't. I respect people too much to lie to them. What I may do (I know it's an idle fantasy, a pipedream) is tell everyone to fuck off and leave. Just up and head to somewhere sunny, but sadly, I can't. Suzie needs me. Father needs me. They would survive just fine without me. Well, Suzie would. My father would die and lay in his bed for six months before someone noticed. It's just... I don't know. As much as I'd love to pick up and leave it all behind, I can't. Some fucking ethical dilemma. Part of me deeply wants to move to Virginia... I would say Idaho, but the winters there suck. I've heard stories. No, actually... Maybe I'll head out to Cali and dance on the fault line. That would be fun fun fun 'til daddy takes the t-bird away. Really, the thing is... I'm fucking alone as it is, if I left and moved somewhere where no one knew my name, I'd be even more alone. And as we all know, I'm shit at making new friends. Actually, my standards are too high... which isn't entirely as irrelevant as it seems. <b>nine inch nails.10 miles high</b>i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i tried to get so high. i made it 10 miles high. i'm going to get so high. i'm going to get so high. you'll never get inside. i swore i'd never turn into you. i'm closer all the time. i made it 10 miles high. can't tell my truths from my lies. i swore to god i would never turn into you. i'm getting closer all, all the time. tear it all down. tear it all down. tear it all down. tear it all down... The catch is, I don't understand people, I don't relate well with people, I don't like people, and people feel the same toward me. They can handle me for a short while, they can try, but they all leave in the end. With precious few exceptions. There are exceptions, of course there are. But whatever, that's trivial. I'm not talking about the exceptions, I'm talking about people in general. The thing is. I do fill my life with cannon fodder that I know won't last, and why? Because it beats being alone, and I'm not going to monopolize the time and lives of those who're true, and slowly but surely, the summer's cannon fodder has dwindled to nothing, so it's time to bring in the reserves. Maybe. I might not bother this year, and just take this winter all on my onesy, savvy? If I survive then, great. If not, then that's the way the cookie crook crumbles. I'm sure I'll survive this year. I'm the little planet that could. I know, I'm just postponing the inevitable, but whatever. There's still a couple people here that actually need me... so basically, what I'm saying is, once my dad is gone, all bets are off. LOL ... But hey, that's another 10 years off, I guess. Providing the world doesn't end before then, or some socio-political upheaval that turns the US into a true third-world nation with no law and order no more. It's possible, I foresee the potential of it happening in the next decade or two, but I'm not getting into socio-political conversations or debates right now. Dig? I don't know, nor do I really care at the moment. Really, I don't know. I don't have a clue what's happening or what tomorrow shall bring. Maybe everything will be a-ok tomorrow. It's possible. I don't think so, but it's that sliver of a possibility that keeps me going. Funny, ain't it? Call me a pessimist again, motherfucker. Ha ha ha. I don't know. My brain feels dissonant. It's just that... Well, I'm really not as nuts as you may think, I just have an odd stream of consciousness. Maybe it's not so odd, but I can't get anyone to give me their stream of consciousness to study. Most people don't really talk to me, and ... well, whatever. Well, okay. Let me put it this way. We'll talk for the first few months, then it'll turn into one-word conversations, and I cut my losses. One thing I cannot do is carry a conversation. I can, but I no longer choose to. I'm not going to force a conversation. However, I was raised right, I suppose. I do say 'bye' or 'later' or whatever when I know a conversation has ended. I don't just fuck off and do my own thing. It's just the way I was raised... to have respect for people, even those who don't deserve it. See, the thing is. Respect is like trust. Or trust is like respect? I don't know, but whatever, it has to be earned. Same with love. If it's just given away, it's worthless. I don't trust everyone, I don't respect everyone, and I sure as fuck don't love everyone. Which is funny, because the first two? People think it's expected. Now, can I be friends with someone that I don't trust or respect? Can I even be in a relationship with someone like that? Absolutely. If they stick around long enough to earn those, splendid. Most don't, but that's not the point. People like to say, Trust until given a reason not to. That's silly. That's a one-way course to pain. You'll almost always be let down and hurt, because they have 'betrayed your trust'. If you have no trust in them, then you're less disappointed when the chips fall down. However, if they fuck you once they've earned your trust, that's a sticky situation. It hurts worse, but whatever. That doesn't matter, really. Well, it does. It does, but not for the sake of argument. I don't know... where was I going with that? Probably nowhere... <b>nine inch nails.i'm looking forward to joining you, finally</b>as black as the night can get. everything is safer now. there's always a way to forget. once you learn to find a way out. in the blur of serenity. where did everything get lost? the flowers of naivety. buried in a layer of frost. the smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes. thought he had it all before they called his bluff. found out that his skin just wasn't think enough. wanted to go back to how it was before. thought he lost everything. then he lost a whole lot more. the fools devotion. swallowed up in empty space. the tears of regret. frozen to the side of his face. the smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes. i've done all i can do. could i please come with you. sweet smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes... So, let's jump back to the fall of '99, well, the winter of '99/'00... Leaving all the gruesome details out from the very end/beginning of the year, what happened? Well, I shut down. I discarded all my friends except... well, The Catholic, actually, and I started fresh. Back in town with all new friends. Okay, so. That's how it happened, and here I am... I wonder if that was the beginning of the end, actually... But no, that's not where I was going. Let's use mythology as a point of reference. The Phoenix. Burns and rises from the ashes.. Maybe that's what needs to happen, 'eh? Maybe... I need to combust and rise from the ashes, with a whole new life. How did I do it then? Well, I OD'd. LOL. So, I need to find a new way to <i>reboot</i>... I'm getting the blue screen of death. Yes, the human mind is much like a computer, I'm sure you can see the parallels. But, maybe that's what needs to happen... I just need to find a way to get there. To cross that threshold and start anew. Meh. That's a depressing line of thought. I don't want to think about that... Not right now. We'll see how this winter turns out. If I make it or not. I refuse to make plans or script anything... then it's impure. I don't know, it's interesting, though... the concept of the whole damn thing. Oh well, what's a boy to do? I don't have a clue, and I think I'll have to set out on this journey alone. Which might be why I'm severing my contacts with a lot of people all at once. Maybe... Who knows, 'eh? I like what-ifs. They make me giggle. They make me smile... and maybe everything is coming back 'round again. Maybe the year of The Fragile is coming back to kick me in the nuts. Anything is possible, right? Maybe that was just a ... dry run. Maybe this time around, it'll stick. Everything happens for a reason, or at least, that's what they say. But 'they' say a lot, with nothing to really back it up... <b>nine inch nails.somewhat damaged</b>so impressed with all you do. tried so hard to be like you. flew too high and burnt the wing. lost my faith in everything. lick around divine debris. taste the wealth of hate in me. shedding skin, succumb, defeat. this machine is obsolete. made the choice to go away. drink the fountain of decay. tear a hole, exquisite red. fuck the rest and stab it dead. broken, bruised, forgotten, sore. too fucked up to care anymore. poisoned to my rotten core. too fucked up to care anymore. broken, bruised, forgotten, sore. too fucked up to care anymore. poisoned to my rotten core. too fucked up to care anymore. in the back. off the side and far away. is a place. where i hide, where i stay. tried to say, tried to ask. i needed to. all alone. by myself. where were you? how could i ever think, it's funny how. everything that swore it wouldn't change. is different now. just like you would always say. we'll make it through. then my head. fell apart. and where were you? how could i. ever think. it's funny how. everything you swore would never change. is different now. like you said. you and me. make it through. didn't quite. fell apart. where the fuck were you?

"There's a new party being born... The People Who Hate People Party.
"People who hate people, come together!
"No!
"We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards, but y'know.
"Are you going to be there? Yeah. Then I ain't fucking coming. You're our strongest member! Fuck you! That's what I'm talking about, you asshole! Fuck off! Damn, we almost had a meeting going.
"It's so hard to get my people together."

Bill Hicks, People Who Hate People

Tubeway Army.You Are In My Vision
Fade to scenes of violence. Like a TV screen but silent. Where the victims are all paid by the hour. Staring at the ceiling as she gyrates all around me. I'm trying to forget she's done this all before. Far too many people. For a quiet night with myself. Oh, I could be anyone tonight. Focus on a feeling I've detected while I was sleeping. Sing a chorus of On Broadway and deny it all. You are in my vision. I can't turn my face. You are in my vision. I don't move my eyes. You are in my vision. I don't move at all. You are in my vision. Delicate bodies that decay beneath their clothing. Play Gods in an empty house in Paris. The wreckage of our hero lies. Broken in the corner and. Everyone pretends they like to live that way. You are in my vision. I can't turn my face. You are in my vision. I don't move my eyes. You are in my eyes. I don't move at all. You are in my vision.

So... new theory for a new short(ish) story (novella) ... Listen to Replicas, the album, by Tubeway Army, and you might have a slight clue as to my idea. Maybe. But probably not. But it'll have a similar feel. Desolate. Desperate. Mix in a little political turmoil. Mix in some heavy firepower and mechanics. Maybe ... Maybe. A little facist regime and police state mentality. Maybe a little bloodsport and carnage. Maybe a tranny hooker in the spice mines of Kessel. Been thinking on it the last couple nights/days... been thinking about the Overture to the Apocalypse... it was too unwieldy. Too epic, too big. But maybe... if I break it up. like, a series of short stories. Of Novellas involving each character, or set thereof... It would be manageable. Maybe. I just need a title for this first bit. It's coming into mind now... Coming into focus. Yaaahs. It'll be pretty. Maybe not epic, but pretty. And I think it'll be a good opening. I think breaking it into smaller chunks will help me. So I can work on things in between. And not get overcome by this beast. Yes. Something pretty... -cums a little-

nine inch nails.the great below
staring at the sea. will she come? is there hope for me. after all is said and done. anything at any price. all of this for you. all the spoils of a wasted life. all of this for you. all the world has closed her eyes. tired faith all worn and thin. for all we could have done. and all that could have been. ocean pulls me close. and whispers in my ear. the destiny i've chose. all becoming clear. the currents have their say. the time is drawing near. washes me away. makes me disappear. and i descend from grace. in arms of undertow. i will take my place. in the great below. i can still feel you. even so far away. i can still feel you. even so far away...

So... Another one of those odd sort of days, but this one is filled with a sense of longing. not the cold acceptance that everything is damned. i long for all those things i've convinced myself don't exist, that i don't want. love and family and children... yeah, i kinda want a kid right now. but it'll pass, it always does. hell, right now, i can't even think clearly. it's all scattered, like the diamond stars across the night sky. those holes in the black paper.

i want to believe in the easter bunny, and i want to believe in love. and yes, Virginia, I want to believe in santa claus. i want to be eight years old again with the whole world before me. back when things were simple. maybe not simple, but easy and carefree. and i kinda want to do what it takes to go back there... even if it means starting the whole damn mess over. but i'm not one for the theory of reincarnation. if i knew then, what i know now? if i had some vague idea what my future would turn into, i would've done a few things differently. i may not have any regrets in my life, i may not change one specific thing... but i'd like a new life. a new chance. i want to hit RESET goddamnit. i like to say, well, i'm only 27... plenty of time to change things, but you know the truth of the matter is, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. it's hard. maybe not impossible, but it's fucking hard. and i'm lazy.

i'm apathetic.

I don't care anymore. I do, but at the exact same time, i don't give an ass rat's. maybe that's why it is that i avoid people, and stay buried in my books and movies... they're all someone elses life. and i can ignore mine. i can not focus on it and think on it, and just block it the fuck out. which is my biggest problem. i avoid everything.

like, okay. i haven't really felt "pain", in an emotional sense of the word in a long time, because i take it, i put it in a jar, and i bury that motherfucker. done it for years upon years... and there it is. i've done it for so long, i don't know what else to do. how to process it. how to deal with it and cope with it. i ignore it, i brush it off and go on. and there are days, like today, where a few of these beasts are able to break out of their jars, crawl out of the sand, and jump on me. like those weird lobster beasts in The Dark Tower ... The Gunslinger, in particular. NONETHELESS. And it all happens on those days where everyone is busy with their lives, which is at the same time, why it happens. because i don't have that distraction, which is the best of all. i guess it's just kind of the way the cookie crook crumbles, so i'm left here alone to deal with it. and by the time someone comes along, who will listen, i've got most of the jars buried, and don't feel like dealing with it, so i ignore it. fun how that works, ain't it? yeah, i thought so. but it is interesting, and i'd love to be someones final thesis in their psych course. it'd be entertaining. i'd like a shrink that i could actually talk to, without their life or some other bullshit imposing.

see, there's the catch. people say they want me to open up and that they want to listen, which is all well and good, but when it comes down to it, they have their own shit, and understandably, i get pushed to the side. the thing is, i can't sum it up in 20 minutes, or even probably 20 hours... so, what should i do? write a book, a kind of autobiography, for people to read when they have the time, where i can pour my heart and soul and blood and sweat and tears into. that'd be fun. it'd be a goof. a primer for any potential mates. of which there aren't or won't be any, but hey... so be it. it could be interesting. like, "here, before you say you want to be my friend, read this..." then, they'd probably find out how fucking neurotic i am and run away. i actually think that on the whole, i keep myself pretty well together. but, from the outside, i might still be that kid OD'ing on acid at the mall... which is a fun story, let me tell you, but now is not the time for it. actually, that time in my life is where it all went really very wrong. yeah, probably. the first 2-3 weeks of January, 2000. hmph. it's been 9 and a half years. Can you fucking believe it? and since then, outside of maybe a year or two, i've been kind of spiralling outward and down. But, what does it really matter?

what does any of this really matter in the long run? which yes, is what it all, always boils down to. here we are, with only this one shot at life, and pfft, it goes by so quick. it's kind of ... i don't know, insane. really. it's hard to believe this is the only shot we have. i'll never have this day again. or yesterday. or the day before. but i can tell you, tomorrow will probably be just the fucking same. well, tomorrow won't be, but the day after? just the fucking same. it's a cycle, and it keeps repeating. and if that's the case, then what's the point in even dealing with tomorrow? or the day after? its interesting, but i can't find a reason, other than the idealistic nonsense of "hope"... hope that it will be different. that it will change, that i'll find that one special dame, and live happily ever after... but then, there's the past experiences. the 27 years up to this point, which tell me, it's not going to fucking happen. but in theory, i have 60 more years to go. what can happen in them? it's interesting, i see myself as the old codger, yelling at kids. no, actually, i don't see myself living too very much longer. a few years, maybe. six months, minimum. but i'm sure i've already gone into this. i know i have, in past thingees, so i won't waste my time. it's just...

i'm scared. i'm scared that the clock is ticking down. that all this bullshit i've endured (most of it self-inflicted, yes) has been for naught. kinda sad, isn't it? maybe. it is to me, i doubt any of you give a good goddamn. that's okay, i don't expect you to. i don't expect anything from anyone. less disappointment that way...

nine inch nails.even deeper
i woke up today. to find myself in the other place. with a trail of my footprints, from where i went away. seems everything i've heard just might be true. you know me, well you think you do. sometimes i have everything. yet i wish i felt something. do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can't overcome. it runs even deeper. in a dream i'm a different me. a perfect you we fit perfectly. for once in my life i feel complete. and i still want to ruin it. afraid to look. as clear as day. this plan has long been underway. i hear them call i cannot stay. the voice inviting me away. do you know how far this has gone. just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome. it runs even deeper. everything that matters is gone. all the hands of hope have withdrawn. could you try to help me hang on. it runs... i've straight. i won't crack. on my way and i can't turn back. i'm okay. i'm on track. on my way and i can't turn back. i've stayed. on this track. gone too far, and i can't go back. i've stayed on this track. lost my way. can't go back. i've stayed on this track. gone too far. and i can't go back. i've stayed. on this track. lost my way and i can't go back...

yeah, i was going to include a fun little story about ... well, my birth or almost-lack-there-of, but hey... i'm not in the mood for stories about my past anymore. it's just the way shit happens. but yeah... the hands of hope have withdrawn... later, kids.

Life is an interesting beast. One that will never be truly understand. While I am someone who doesn't believe in a single God, not even multiple gods, actually, I don't believe in anything, but we'll get into Nihilism later. The point is, sometimes there is a gravitational pull, so to speak, that keeps things from happening. Call it fate, god's will, whatever, I don't really care. I call it gravity, or magnetism. When you have a pair of magnets with the same poles, they repel one another. Get it? Got it? Good, let's get going.

The thing is, I find myself in a sticky situation... with a sticky situation in my life, and the poles have kept it from meeting for a month or so. Give or take. I don't know, time is not my forte. Time is an abstraction best left ignored, but anyways. I realised something just now. Well, half an hour ago...

I'm tired of dating, I'm tired of fucking indiscriminately (which is one reason I haven't done the latter in the year and a half I've been single... but that's a long story.)

The thing is, the catch, the real motherfucker is, they're in a position where settling down is not an option... It kinda sucks, I suppose, but it's just the way the chips have fallen, and there's nothing to be done about it, which really does rather suck. It just proves how little control, I or any one of us has. It's like trying to catch smoke.

Which brings about the question, or more, the theory... that If we have no control over our lives, in the grandest sense, then what's the point in trying? Show we just all jump off a pier? Or maybe, as I have over the past two yea... actually, the last 8-9 years... Just sit back with a smirk and let it go on by. There's no point in trying, if nothing we do matters in the end. So, what is there to do?

Just sit here alone, as I have for so long, and write, or do something else (fuck around online, as I do, talking to people who in the end, don't really give a shit), or do I find my old pro-active nature and try to change things. To change things that are unchangeable, that's the hard bit, but maybe it's worth it. It's interesting, I tell you. Should I continue searching for something meaningful online (hold your snickers, you bastards), something with the potential to develop into something real. I do equate the internet to dating. It weeds out the lunatics, psychos, morons, cunts, dildos, worthless fucks, emotionally dependent, whatever... it does, and it's worked for years. I haven't met someone in person, excluding Suzanne (but she wouldn't stop talking to me until I talked back. I liked the resilience. I respect it.)  ...nonetheless. The last significant other I met in reality? I was still a teenager, and I'm 27 now. The last would have to be... Sarah... but she was married, so that does not constitute a significant other. And before her, I reckon would have been Cari... who I kinda sorta met in reality and online. It's a very complicated story.

Nonetheless... well, wait. There was Britney... but I met her through Indy, who I met online. So, in a third-party sort of fashion, yes...

Ash and Des? My two longest relationships... no clue how long me and Des were together, but we never should've been together (another very long story, but with a happy ending), a year and a half or so... but anyways, me and ash... 2 years, met her online. Yet, she was a bit nuts. But that's a wicked weird story, and I don't care to get into it. Why? Because the story itself is pointless.

It's just interesting. To contemplate and theorise. I'm sick of the dating, I'm sick of the fucking anyone who'll say yes... I'm bloody tired of the hassle that has to do with relationships. I want to settle down with a girl a puppy a white picket fence and 2.5 kids... well, maybe not the kids, but nonetheless, you get the point. It's just. It's sad. In an abstract sort of way.

Because, at the same time I'm very proud that I've reached the age I have without popping off a kid, or getting into a loveless marriage. Et al. It could be very much worse. I could be stuck with Cari or Ash, married and wanting to kill myself, or have an affair. And now, I have the pseudo-wisdom to stay away from certain things, certain archetypes. Which I still find myself associating with, and surrounding myself with, which is interesting and pitiful in it's own right. I'm kind of stuck in a quagmyre with my life, and it's rather depressing. I know what I'm doing is wrong, it's not right. Not right for me, at the very least. The people I call acquaintances are not the people I want to know... But, the two people I call true and glorious Friends... Sarah and Suzie... are just the people I need in my life. But one lives a thousand miles away, and the other only knows people who're married.

I used to use my cat Tiger to weed out the undesirables. She was good, too. If she didn't like them, I politely kicked them to the curb without hesitation. But she's dead, and has been for 8 years. And in those 8 years? Dated nothing but douchebags or whores. For the most part. There were a couple who were actually worthwhile, but I left them because I was with Ash (you do the math) .... Kind of the story of my life, really. The night me and Cari finally got together, I'd been done with her games, and found someone actually worthwhile, and ditched her for the poisonous Cari... fascinating isn't it?

I do have a self-destructive personality, and I don't know how to fix it. Neither does anyone else. Or they're not willing to help. lol So, I'll have to do it on my own, or continue down the path... what a predicament.

But maybe it's time I start to try and figure something out. And it is certainly time to unplug from the interweb, and do something remotely productive, like Write.