Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

there used to be a point in this
but i can't seem to remember what it was
or where it went, in the night
in all this clingy darkness it left
and i'm left with the right
there used to be a time, a day
when everything worked right
and well and looked kind of pretty
in an odd sort of perverse kind of way
but the face has been torn off
the facade left in shambles, a broken wall
of mortar and the last few bricks
it was left to burn, smouldering and sparking
ready to light again, at the right time

where were you?
where did you go?
said you'd always stick around
but you're nowhere to be found
it's kind of funny
how i could believe your tales
just the same
like all the rest
tried not to compare
to look on the side of hope
but i've given up on hope

i wish i still had your supposed idealism
i wish i still had your beautiful hand to hold
i wish i still had something more
than this flaming shit, the bricks lost in the smoke
i thought i could have been something more
i wish i could have been something more
more to you, more to me, more to the world
but i'm left in the ashes and all this debris
meat chewed up in the cogs of this machine
spit out to the ground with broken bits of bone
i wish i had something left to give

blood pours from the open sores over my heart
can you taste their poison seeping down my flesh?
can you see how deep they burn?
it's an endless charade i live behind this facade
to try and put on a happy-rag-doll-face
even when i'm lost in the corner, left in the closet
it's nothing new, but somehow it still stings
never the loved, always the forgotten
and it's not so easy...

xxxx: *tilts head*
xxxx: story?
christopher.: ok

christopher.: once upon a time
xxxx: ^_^
xxxx: this is gonna be good
christopher.: there was a boy, a girl, a gnome, a storm trooper, a brontosaurus, an ogre, an onion, an ocelot, a tranny hooker, a munchkin, a chocolatier, a pirate, a ninja, a chuck norris impersonator, Elvis, and a transformer... oh, and a man-eating skittle
xxxx: okay
christopher.: and they all lived together in a small hut, quite harmoniously, forming the greatest wizarding death star ever, until one day, the stormtrooper took off his helmet to reveal that he was Luke Skywalker, son of Darth Vader...
xxxx: *moves closer and eats more bacon*
Last message received on 7/13 at 4:11 PM
christopher.: the tranny hooker and the chuck norris impersonator had a thing going on, but i don't kiss and tell... but i can say there was a floor lamp and a lot of vaseline involved
christopher.: the pirate and the chocolatier were the same person, with schizophrenia, he looked a lot like that one guy. well, they would ride around on the brontosaurus and eat schnozzberries
christopher.: the ogre was always caught with the onion (they have layerS) up his ass... but we won't go there
christopher.: well, the girl cheated on the boy with Luke Skywalker, and the boy cheated on the girl with Darth Vader (hey, at least they were keeping it in the family)
christopher.: well, there came a time when they were all having this mega, bizarre orgy....
christopher.: and Rogue Leader came by and blue their Death Star of Magic to kingdom come....
christopher.: The End

Frank Zappa : Dumb All Over

Whoever we are, or wherever we're from. we should've noticed by now, our behaviour is dumb. and if our chances expect to improve, it's going to take a lot more than trying to remove. the other race, or the other whatever. from the face of the planet altogether. they call it the Earth, which is a dumb kind of name. but they named it right, because we behave the same. we are dumb all over. dumb all over, yes we are. dumb all over, near and far. dumb all over, black and white. dumb all over, people we is not wrapped tight. nerds on the left, nerds on the right. religious fanatics on the air every night. saying the bible tells a story, makes the DJ all sound real gory. 'bout what to do, if the geeks over there don't believe in the book we got over here. we can't run a race without no feet. and pretty soon there won't be no street. for dummies to jog on, or doggies to dog on, religious fanatics be making it all gone. and won't blow up and disappear, it'll just look ugly for a thousand years. you can't run a country by a book or religion. not by a heap or a lump or a smidgeon. of foolish rules of ancient date, designed to make you all feel great. while you fold, spindle and mutilate. those unbelievers from a neighbouring state. two arms to arms, hooray, that's great. two legs ain't bad, unless there's a crate they ship the parts to mama in. for souvenirs, two ears. (get down!) not his, not hers, but what the hey, the good book says it's got to be that way. but their book says, revenge the crusade! with whips and chains and hand grenades. two arms to arms, of another and another. our god says, there ain't no other. our god says, it's all okay. our god says, this is the way. it says in the book, burn and destroy. repent and redeem and revenge and deploy and rumble thee forth to the land of the unbelieving scum on the other side. 'cause they don't know but what's in the book, and that makes 'em bad. so... verily we must choppeth them up, or stompeth them down. or rent a nice french bomb. to poof them out of existance. while leaving their realestate just where we need it. to use again, for temples in which to praise our god. 'cause he can really take care of business. and when his humble TV servant, with white hair and a brown suit, and maybe a blonde wife who takes phone calls. tells us it's okay to do this stuff, then we're supposed to do it. 'cause if we don't do it, we ain't riding up to heaven. depending on which book you're using at the time. can't use theirs, it's all lies. gotta use mine, ain't that right? that's what they say, every night/every day. listen, we can't really be dumb, if we're just following god's orders. afterall, he wrote this book here. and in the book, he says, he made us all to be just like him. so if we're dumb, then God is dumb. and maybe even a little bit ugly on the side. dumb all over. a little ugly on the side. dumb all over. a little ugly on the side.

so, i was sitting here, like i do, thinking. and someone asked what i was doing, like they do, and i said "thinking", and they said something to the effect of "gah, you're always thinking." and i was like, why yes, thinking is what separates us from Republicans... and it is. i'm not a moron, i'm sorry, i do think. i may not always think the right thing, i might even be entirely wrong, but that doesn't matter. well, maybe it does. maybe it's a lot more important than i realise. i accept i can be wrong, probably am wrong, but that's what keeps me sane, and good, in varying senses of the word. that's the pro... okay, that's one problem with Republicans (and Democrats, for that matter...), and Religion... hell, it's wrong with most people today. they can't accept that they could be wrong, that everything is open for debate and/or interpretation, and blah blah blah... that and people take themselves too seriously, which are interrelated, but not the point... the point is, people, we need to quit taking ourselves so fucking serious and just relax, and yes. it is possible for someone to relax and think. actually, usually, the more one thinks, the more relaxed they are, because they're not stressing. now, sure, we can think about stressing things, we often do, but if we think about them, roll them about and analyse them, then maybe we'll understand that it's all okay. it's all good. life is good, and we are dumb all over.

-tips hat- it's okay, kids. it's all good. it's alright. it's okay. just calm down and engage the brain, it's not there just for decoration. that'd be rather dumb, wouldn't it? it's inside. think something, think anything, even if it's wrong. :D

The Dresden Dolls . Thirty Whacks
thirty licks with the belt. same old tricks on myself. and i wonder does everyone else feel this way. succession of tests. a triumphant success. each time i'm still in tact. at the end of the day. thirty drops in the glass. keep my temper and pass. with my breath held, you bastards. you lucked out again. it's not really so bad. there's still mom. there's still damage to do. before they wrest the axe from my hands. it's no mystery. you should obviously go. before i break everything. you're always telling me. that you're dying to know. but you're not really listening. how do i manage to station myself in harm's way. and only get hit with a ticket for loitering. that i have no way to pay? and no strength to argue. my personal demons can scheme with professional. oh god they're after me. if i could shut them up. just for a second, i swear. i could stop this catastrophe. thirty day guarantee. but they can't have meant me. afterall, i was born in a childproof world. no sharp corners or glass. small objects or plastic bags, please. these death to a delicate girl. it's no mystery. you should obviously know. that i'll destroy everything. so don't go telling me that you're dying to know. 'cause you'll get what you're asking for. and i still managed to station myself in harm's way. and only get hit with a ticket for loitering. stating i'd come the wrong day. now the demons are screaming their wages unfair. i left a secret kept. if i could shut them up. just for a second, i swear. and it'd look like an accident. i could be decent yet. be magnificent. i could be president.

song is aptly true... even from a woman's perspective... but the line you're always telling me that you're dying to know, but you're not really listening. is where it's at.

but it raises an interesting sort of question... even if they would listen, would i open up to a goddamned soul? i haven't in my entire life. not once. of the thousands of people i've known? no, never told them the whole truth. they never knew me. i'd give them snippets, previews, but the shit in my head is best kept there under lock and key. part of it's because i know they'd fucking use it against me, because they have with the shrapnel i give them, and i've learned to give them even less. but that... well, it gets complicated and confusing.

i know, we should all take chances with every new person, because they're not the same. but... anymore? they're becoming carbon photostatic copies, and i can usually peg people into one of maybe ten archetypes. now, there's an exception to every rule. i know this. you know this, we all fucking know this... but the then we're drawn back to the actual question... would they even fucking listen? or would this ADD society let them listen for five minutes and then zone out? because it'd take longer than 5 minutes for me to really open up.

so, the truth of the matter is, i'm fucked and should just fuck off from everyone. at least in a personal sense... but, but, but... what if i do, and pass up the one? see... it's very complicated.

now... let's say... in this search for the one ... is there a point where one should just give the fuck up? because, eventually, the abuse and bullshit will become to painful to endure. to be honest. i don't want to deal with anymore of it. the dating, the breaking up, the being let down, the overall disappointment... can't deal with it. not right now, at least. oh, i try to act hard, that it doesn't hurt, but it fucking does. i kept my soul safe with my wall... but my heart? yeah, that bitch still gets hurt, and i don't know if i really want to deal with it. how's that for a catch 22?

-shrugs-

it's just interesting... so really. i don't know. should i give up and accept that i'm going to spend my life alone, or get a lot more of my happiness and heart torn away? because i do believe we lose a bit of ourselves with every relationship... at least, i do. because i'm a fool, and i give people my everything. it's just.... confusing and it is fucked and... i don't know if it's really worth the hassle.

is it? who the fuck knows? that's one of those questions like "Why the fuck are we here?" no one knows the answer... which i don't like. and i know, nothing can be known (ignore the contradiction)... but i'd like a good fucking idea, or theory. something to cling to, some small pissant piece of hope. some glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel, and pray to fucking god it isn't the F Train.

yeah... i shouldn't have withdrawn after she left. not for two fucking years. but i thought i had to... now i'm completely out of the game, and more socially fucked than never ever before. which... i don't know. it doesn't really matter. none of this matters that damn much. we're born, we live, and we die. it's just that middle bit that's a pain in the ass, and has no answers. and it fucking sucks for a logical mind like mine. hell, i'm a con artist. in a way. i don't like going to a game without knowing the outcome. what to expect. some vague fucking idea would be nice... and the simpering morons telling me that it'll be okay, that i'll find the one, them... i just want to disembowel them and set their entrails on fire. they're fucking obnoxious. if i wanted to hear that bullshit, i'd ask for it. no, i want some answer with some evidence to back it up.

ah... and there comes the misanthropy. GO ME! -shrugs- it doesn't matter. to hell with it. i know i don't need anyone, but i'd like a warm body to hold...

y'know what else? it amuses me... i'm always the friend, never the lover... i could go into why, but who the hell wants to hear about how ugly i am? you can see my pictures. that's explanation enough. NONETHELESS... i find it humourous. these girls... women... always bitching about their boyfriends and how they can only get the jerks won't take a chance on me... i'm not as nice as i once was, sure. i've gotten bitter and a little jaded, but i'm still a damn sight better than the fuckers they end up with. so... it just makes me giggle. i have all the love and compassion in the world to give... and they don't want it, because evidently, they enjoy being treated like shit, beat, cheated on, whatever... -shrugs- that's life, i suppose. the way of the world, and what the fuck am i going to do? just sit back and watch them... and try to find the irony. i like irony. it makes me happy. it keeps me sane. it keeps me alive... that and the curiosity. curiosity is good. i like curiosity. i like to know things. i like to see things... most, solely out of curiosity. because i couldn't give a shit either way what someone looks like naked (solely as an example), i'm just curious. well, there are other reasons, and none of them perverse, but that's besides the point. i think i'm just going to shut the fuck up, eat some yogurt, and drink a bottle of drano.

KIDDING.

laterfuckers,

X

SMASHING PUMPKINS.BODIES cast the pearls aside. love a simple of pain. come into my life, forever. crumbled cities stand as known. all the sides you have been shown. all the hurt you call your own. you know, you know. love is suicide. the empty bodies stand at rest. casualties of their own flesh. afflicted by their disposession. but no bodies ever knew. nobodies. no bodies felt like you. nobodies. love is suicide. love is... love. now we drag the knife. to the ironies of fate. you can hold the knife forever. the tragedies reside in you. the secret sides hide in you. the lonely nights divide in two. in two, in two. all my blisters now revealed. in the darkness of my dreams. in the spaces in between us. no bodies ever knew. nobodies. no bodies felt like you. nobodies. no bodies ever knew. nobodies. no bodies felt like you. nobodies. love is suicide. love is suicide. love is suicide. love is suicide.

(FUCK YOU) AN ODE TO NO ONE.never coming back. never giving in. never be the shine. in your spit. i disconnect the axe. i disconnect the dots. i disconnect the me in me. you're mistaken. it's you that's faking. better to breathe and die and to. this message is for anyone who dares to hear. a fool. you can't bring me back. you can't bring me back. 'cause i'd give it all back to you. through sacred alleys. the living wrecks, yeah. wreak havoc upon this world. disenchanted the romantics. the body and face and soul of you is gone down that deep black hole. destroy the mind, destroy the body. but you cannot destroy the heart. destroy the mind, destroy the body. but you cannot destroy the heart in you. you make it so i need to disconnect. and you make it so real. i don't need your love to disconnect. there's run around kids in get-go cars. vaseline afterbirth and neon coughs. galaxies full of nobodies. giving us the farewell runaround. i took a virgin mary axe to this sweet baby jane. lost my innocence to a no good girl. scratch my face with anvil hands. coil my tongue around her bumblebee mouth. and i give it all back to you. i'd give it all back to you, yeah. for you. no way. i don't need it. i don't need your love to disconnect. and you make it so real. i don't need your love to disconnect. no way. no way. no way to disconnect. and you make it so real. i don't need your love to disconnect. no way. no way. no way to disconnect.

SNAKEPIT.beggars & heggars-on
well, i know
you couldn't love me
'cause you're promised to
a wealthy man
take a look
what you are you seeing?
is that a noose, or a wedding band?
should i go
to see a healer
nervous twitching in my hands

god help me rid this feeling
'cause i'm falling all to pieces
and i can't get out of bed

beggars and hangers-on
try to take you from me
someone with a bible in his pocket
clouding everything you see

beggars and hangers-on
they chip it away
bury your soul in the river
'cause the end is hear to stay

god help me rid this feeling
'cause i'm falling all to pieces
and i can't get out of bed

i was wrong
i don't need you
seems reckless
and unfair
better days
are far behind me
guess that's another cross
i'll have to bear

i know that there's a time and a reason
to take that ghost and lock up inside
and maybe i am down, but i'm not beaten
like anything, we were born to die

beggars and hangers on
try to take you from me
someone with a bible in his pocket
clouding everything you see

beggars and hangers on
they chip it away
bury you soul in the river
'cause the end is here to stay
beggars and hangers on


snakepit.BACK AND FORTH AGAIN
now, you've slipped away
and found a place to stay
who do i congratulate?
but i'm happy for you
where are you today?
i sense that you're afraid?
and i don't know what to do

i miss you but what does it change?
this confusion feels the same
forget you and let you leave
but i'm still thinking it through
it's been the conflict between us
that's kept me from sinking before
you drove me crazy and i let you
come do it some more
put the past to bed
we've done it before

now we're back and forth again
can we help this pointless thing?
swinging like a hinge
to the place we always meet

there's nothing to say
except loneliness is strange
'cause you were the face
that i can never leave
and i know you're going to call
'cause you know just where i'll be
won't you come and find me here?
i'll be happy for me
so happy to be
not alone anymore
we've done it before

now we're back and forth again
can we help this pointless thing?
swinging like a hinge
to the place we always meet

it's such a shame how little things
can change your mind
don't just sit there filing your nails
and passing the time
i can't let you bottle it up
and take it too far
carrying all of that weight
is the hardest part

now we're back and forth again
can't help this pointless thing
swinging like a hinge
to the place we always meet
back and forth again

Thinking about posting an ad on Craigslist :: "Bored, lonely, seeking serial killer who enjoys playing scrabble."

A Perfect Circle . A Stranger
cast a calming apple
up and over satellites
to draw out the timid wild one
to convince you it's alright

and i listen for the whisper
of your sweet insanity
while i formulate denials
of your effect on me

you're a stranger, so
what do i care?
vanished today
not the first time, i hear
all the lies

what am i to do
with all this silence?

shy away
shy away phantom
run away
terrified child, won't you
move away
you fucking tornado
i'm better off without you
tearing my will down



so, here i sit, amidst the ruins of last nights melt down, with today's annoyance and my father picking at me, with minimal sleep. maybe four hours. that might be generous. but, it's all becoming clear. without a FUCKING WORD from ANYONE ... well, not just anyone, but whatever ... i'm beginning to realise that i was right all along. and it sucks, but it's life. i am to be alone, at least until i die. sooner or later, right? that day... well, some days it can't come soon enough. but i am a goddamned capricorn, and a god damned fool, and ... well, i'm going to stick it out a little while longer, for some silly ass reason. probably because i have a couple books i need to write... one of which being my obituary.

really, none of this matters. i don't give a shit, you don't give a shit... really, no one gives a shit, so i'm just going to shut the fuck up and move along. everything happens for a reason? yeah, maybe...

it was just a game, wasn't it?

BLACK SABBATH . WARNING now, the first day that i met you. i was looking in the sky. when the sun turned all a-blur. and the thunder clowds go by. the sea began to shiver. and the wind began to moan. it must have been a sign for me. to leave you well alone. i was born without you, baby. but my feelings were a little bit too strong. you never said you loved me. and i don't believe you can. 'cause i saw you in a dream. and you with another man. you look so cool and casual. and i tried to look the same. but now i got to know you. tell me, who am i to blame? i was born without you baby. but my feelings were a little bit too strong. now the whole wide world is moving. because there's iron in my heart. i just can't keep from crying. because you say we got to part. sorrow grips my voice and i stand here all alone. and watch you slowly take away. a love i've never known. i was born without you baby. but my feelings were a little bit too strong. just a little bit too strong. now the whole wide world is moving. 'cause that iron in my heart. i just can't keep from crying. 'cause you say we've got to part. sorrow grips my voice. as i stand here all alone. and watch you slowly take away. a love i've never known. i was born without you baby. but my feelings were a little bit too strong. just a little bit too strong.

It's interesting... well, a lot of things are interesting. but at the moment, after talking to someone old... not by age, but i've known them... a little over a year... just commented on my mespace blog, actually, which is what got me to thinking. suicide is always a viable option. for a handful of reasons... but mostly, because it's the one thing we have control over. 

see, we do not ask to be born... sure, our parents do still have choice (thank fucking god), but the majority is in favour of breeding, right? right. but nonetheless, we still don't have a choice in the matter. we have no control over whether or not we're birthed, and brought kicking and screaming into this world... literally and figuratively. the point is, throughout our entire lives, we really don't have much fucking control over any goddamned thing... we get kicked and poked and prodded and moved along, we get left, we get happy, we get incurable diseases, whatever - no fucking control. the only thing we really have any surefire amount of control over is death. so, snuffing it is ... in some respect, it can be solely about having control over that one thing. it's one reason i'm a proponent of the Right to Die foundation. Dr Jack, he's a good man. he really is.

have you ever seen someone truly suffering from some wicked terrible disease that there's no cure for, and the only thing they have to look forward to is an insurmountable pain for the rest of their days? yeah, that'd be hell. so, let's look at these people who think the right to die is a bad thing, and most of them are these lovely cross baring fundamentalist christians... why they're against it, i'm not sure. i have a handful of theories ... that they're really not buying into their heaven shit, that they're a congregation of fucking sadists (they do wear a cross after all, where their saviour was crucified, sounds rather fucking sadistic to me), or something else. i don't know, it doesn't really matter, it's just illogical. these people are supposed to be compassionate, and they should be all for the Right to Die... they're all for the fucking Death Penalty, aren't they? yeah, most of them are.

Which is funny... because they're also usually, in this country at least, in favour of war. WAR!!! NUMBER TWO CAUSE OF DEATH! next to smoking, but whatever. I just don't get it. Their fascination with life.

They care about foetuses, and dying geriatrics. but... soldiers? people of a different skin tone? couldn't really give a good goddamn less. now, i am the first person to admit that there are some actual good christians out there, who really do practice what they preach, and stand up for it, no matter how illogical. they don't agree with war, and they understand that people are people and capable of free will, and choice, and they believe in heaven and they understand that suffering is not a good thing. It's just that the majority, or maybe just a bunch of bad apples, ruin the image.

Okay, now... I have a funny for you. Let's just say... as a for instance... one of these PRO-LIFE fuckers saves a foetus. said foetus grows up to be a doctor, a rather admirable position for most people. okay? well, this doctor, he ends up working in an establishment that does abortions. okay? so, what do these PRO-LIFE fuckers do? they... well, they blow him up. beyond the irony, i wonder how fucking pro-life these people are. they fucking KILL doctors? wh-wh-what? explain to me, please, who has room for this kind of hypocrisy?

right, i admit, that's a bit outlandish, maybe. but, let's continue on. with the same kid, saved by some pro-life faction, and the leader, we'll say is Timmy. the kid's name is Jimmy. i'm keeping it simple for you. well, let's say Jimmy commits murder? whacks his mother, maybe. Just for the double-irony. right? well, Jimmy will be on death row, assuredly. Matricide is usually frowned upon, and let's say it's so heinous, the judge says : "You're to be hanged until you are dead, dead, dead..."
So, on the night of li'l Jimmy's execution, Timmy is out there with a sign screaming that this man deserves worse. he deserves to be skinned and drug through the Bonneville Salt Flats. right? you've seen them, i'm sure. on television, or at least you've heard about the pricks. I just, I don't get it, i really don't, i really can't wrap my head around it at all.

It bugs me, on principle. While i find the irony hilarious, i hate the hypocrisy. it's illogical. and we all know, i'm a fan of logic.

But... yeah, back to the point. Suicide doesn't have to be a mopey thing, someone sick of life, just wanting to end it, and be done with it. Suicide, in some ways, makes a lot of sense. actually, i'm a big fan of death for people. and not in a gruesome, morbid way. but, the fact of the matter is, i don't think this life has much of a point. the most we can do is to be as happy as possible and have as much fun as possible. that's the reason we're here, to do our thing and move on. but, look at all the shit we have to deal with. disease, politicians, liars, fools, hypocrites, sadists, politicians, traffic, assholes, et al... the list goes on forever, of things and people trying to bring us down, to make us un-happy. and death? well, death is peaceful. they put you in a box and bury you six foot deep. sure, they don't let you out on weekends, but so be it, you don't have to deal with this endless stream of shit.

So, the point is, what's so fucking bad about DEATH? i know, it sucks for people living who have to grieve and all that shit... but, fuck 'em, they should've bit the big bazooka, too. they should be happy for you, but of course, the human condition includes being selfish welps.

Which i guess is what it boils down to. these people, they're selfish. and maybe a little sadistic. and even a little bit ugly on the side.

I just can't comprehend it. I wish i could, I wish I could make sense of people, but I can't, which is why i'm still here. sticking around, to try and answer the greatest riddle: WTF is wrong with you people?

Now, back to the war-time bit... We have these pro-lifers, well, they want to support the troops and support the war, which is a contradiction in terms. Support the troops, and bring them home. save their lives, and the lives of the people they're to kill on the Grand Poobah's orders. But, these pro-lifers aren't too concerned about the people we're at war with, are they? They want to see their olive-skinned hides made into lampshades. Not saying, all of them, but probably the majority. 51% at least. They're not practicing what they preach. And I just don't get it. I can't dig it, see. I'm all for life, once it's forced upon us. Not a big fan of people getting killed for no reason, but as i've said before, there are no innocent victims. only children, and they're the biggest victims of all... anyways, not to get off track. I think they should be brought home, but not necessarily for the sake of their lives... but, so these other people who really don't have much of a quarrel with us (well, they didn't before we invaded their sovreign nation) aren't being killed anymore for no reason whatsoever. It's the hypocrisy I disagree with, Support Our Troops, as they kill those fucks who don't act like us, look like us, or believe like us (and don't give me any shit, a lot of it is based on religion, fuck you)... it's just, it's fucked up.

On a side note: If religion were suddenly outlawed throughout the world, we'd actually live in peace and harmony. But I know it'll never happen, at least not in my lifetime, or my great great great grandchildren's lifetime, but I can dream.

Nonetheless... while I could go into why Children are the only innocent victims on this planet, I'm not going to, because, i don't feel like it, really. but also because, if i did, i'd have cut it out of some future thing, when i'm struggling on what to ramble about. Later, folks. Fuck off.

Really. Now.
What do you think you're doing?
scribbling Notes in a brokendown book
Volumes left in the dark, musty and full of mould
tell the Secrets of the midnight hour
Twitching and witching out
Holes exposed pipes bleed rust
Lost in the nightmare of razorbladesandcandy
sometimes i Wonder what we're really doing here
In this lost cataclysmic maelstrom of iniquity
Of absurdity
Where did you come from? What dream do you live from?
Leeching energy off those who'll allow
i know your fais it's a memory i may neverforgetlostinthedreamsofforever
Why? whynot? Flailing about, flout out the truth
and hide it like it's a lie...





Hm... What do say? who knows. I don't at the moment. I'm in an odd sort of mood. Solid... Clear? Concise? Maybe something else that begins with a C. Maybe ...cement. or concrete. or cumbubblemotherfucker. But god damn, I feel rather good. unafraid. Confident.

Just sitting here, and thinking. Y'know, like I do. And, I've come to the conclusion that I do over think everything. Which is an interesting thing, because it's true. I spend more time plotting and planning and worrying and wondering about the back end, that I don't just get up and do it. But that's neither here nor there, or is it everything? theories. It's just fascinating.

There are many things that are true, but most things aren't. It's all about perspective. But ones perspective is an important thing, it's what we hold onto, what we base our lives around. How we perceive the world we're in. Example : We perceive the grass is green, but let's just say - our perception is wrong. What would the repercussions be? Would it unravel all existence? In theory, it's quite possible. If that basis is true, that grass is not green, then it might unmake everything, at least in our heads. Something so trivial as colour. Could unmake the world. It's just a theory, but nonetheless, think on it. We inherently believe most of what we're told, even if we buck it, fight against it, on a base level we still believe it. It's just interesting to think about, if the grass isn't green, then is everything else we've based our lives on false? And yes, these are the thoughts that kept me out of the good schools.

I questioned too much and accepted most teachers are full of shit. Scared children who could never leave school. Most of them. There are exceptions to every rule, but I work in generals, because it's easier than pulling actual numbers out of my ass. It's laziness, I know, but that's not the point is. The point is, there are generals. It is a general statement that most of the people in this country are full-blown morons, and if breathing weren't automatic, they'd be fucking dead. But there are exceptions. There's an exception to everything, not because everyone is special, or anyone is special, but because there is nothing set in stone, concrete and 100%. To think anything is such is idiocy beyond the capacity of rational thought, and luckily, I don't think there is anyone who believes anything 100%. Not even Xians. They all have their crisis of faith.It's the way the human mind is wired.

People are actually much smarter than they allow themselves to be. They have the capacity for more intelligence than they allow. Maybe that's just the romantic idealist in me. No one is inherently stupid. I hope. Most, I feel, actually strive for it. Maybe. Maybe, because anything is possible. Even, in theory, there could be a god. There's no science or math or anything reputable behind it, but that's my thought on the subject.

Okay, the math is in favour of extra-terrestrials. Why? Because there are countless stars. To think that we are the sole planet with sentient life is full on idiocy. Do I think they've visited earth and penetrated our back doors? Not necessarily, but it is more likely than an intangible father-figure creating us out of his ass. Yes, I just compared the human species to feces. And yes, it's fitting.

Hell, I'd be more apt to believe an alien species planting us here for entertainment or an experiment. Been throwing that one around for... Well, since Freshman year... so... fuck... 13 years? Give or take. Something like that. But yeah, it's just interesting to think about the possibilities. Which is silly, because it's not here and now, it's not tangible, but it is a source of hope, and hope is all I have to keep me moving, dig?

Not a pessimist, I'm just a cynical bastard.

I have hope, and I think it's possible that we will actually evolve. Maybe not in our lifetime. Maybe not before Gaia shrugs us off like the parasites we are, but it could be in our future. We have the potential, if we aren't exterminated before we realise it.

Anything is possible, my friends. Anything at all.