Suzie's blog: "Suzie's Blog"

Has anyone heard of these new toilets where the urinal cakes talk to you? I find this slightly amusing and slightly asinine. I have decided what some of these cakes should say. Get away from me, R. Kelly!! Wow. I bet your significant other is unhappy. Stop looking at your neighbor. Is that your best shot? Aww, how cute! And for the singing urinal cake: "Hit me with your best shot!" Your cock smells like a man's ass. What's up with that? Boy, I was thirsty. Oh God!!! It burns! Whoa! Im pretty sure they make a cream for that. Hands up motherfucker...thats right...now slowly reach for your wallet... C'mon, you know you've always wanted to. I'm minty, I SWEAR! I'm gonna shit in your mouth. Whaddya got?

Road House Greatness vs. Dirty Dancing Greatness 1)Road House-Mulletude Dirty Dancing- Johnny Castle's slick pompadour 2) Road House-Sewing up his own wound in a bar bathroom Dirty Dancing- Johnny Castle would never attempt self-surgery. He knows its retarded. He lets Doc Hausmann--the expert, the professional--sew up Penny's post-abortive cooch hole. 3) Road House-"Pain Don't Hurt" Dirty Dancing- "You just put your pickle on everybody's plate, college boy, and leave the hard stuff to me." 4) Road House-Degree in Philosophy from NYU Dirty Dancing- Degree in sexy pelvis movement. 5) Road House-Sex with Kelly Lynch Dirty Dancing- Bangs every bungalow bunny at Kellerman's. Kelly Lynch is hot, no lie, but she's also about four cup sizes smaller than MILFalicious Mrs. Pressman. 6) Road House-Lives in a barn loft Dirty Dancing- Lives in a cabin full of soul music in a magical forest that drips sex rain. 7) Road House-Does tai chi outside his barn loft Dirty Dancing- Does erotic acrobatics in lakes with hard nipples. 8) Road House-Killed two people by ripping out their throats Dirty Dancing- He's a lover, not a fighter--unless cold, carelessly sperminating rich boys like Robbie Gould dishonor the women he loves. Screw you and your objectivism, Robbie Gould! 9) Road House-Tackles a man on a motorcycle running at a dead sprint Dirty Dancing- Tackles preconceived notions of class and socioeconomic status. 10) Road House-Sam Elliott is his best friend Dirty Dancing- He's a loner...a rebel. 11) Road House-Snaps a guy's knee Dirty Dancing- Snaps an insanely tight Chaînés turn. 12) Road House-Friends with the dearly departed Jeff Healey Dirty Dancing- Meet Johnny Castle's friends, Otis Redding and Solomon Burke. 13) Road House-Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you, and you'll both be nice. I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal. Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn't personal? Dalton: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response. Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore? Dalton: Is she?...I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice. Dirty Dancing- "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

There's an African that works at the grocery store I shop at. Not a black guy, but an out and out African. He's the checker of the 10 items or less lane on weekdays, which is the lane I usually go through. Sometimes he likes to talk to the checker in the other lane about various things he finds interesting about America. One Thursday while I was in line, they were talking about Charity Date Auctions, and how strange it was to auction someone off for a date. They were both talking about how much either of them would fetch, in a jovial manner. Trying for once to be a normal person, I said "Come on man, anyone would be a fool not to pay a couple hundred bucks for you." I had just told a black man I thought he was worth a couple hundred bucks. I now take my groceries to the regular check-out lane on the other side of the store, even though I still have less than ten. But MAYBE... ...he was just really flattered.

I never thought I would actually have to watch or listen to a traffic report before and after work. This is something that troubles me, and it happens every single day. Who is leaving furniture on the highway; specifically mattresses? How does this happen. I always imagine this scenario. Dan and Rick just picked up a queen sized Serta Mattress from Mattress-Mart. They tie it securely into the bed of the pickup truck. As they are doing 70mph down I-40, the mattress flies right out of the truck. Then I imagine the conversation going something like this: Dan: Oh man…there went the mattress. Rick: Holy shit! That was awesome! Dan: Fuck the mattress. Let’s go get some IHOP. And thus the mattress is left on the highway to be reported to me during my morning commute.

I didn't know where to start, so I will start somewhere in the middle. ------------------------------------------------- Have you ever known someone that is painfully ignorant to the world around them? Perhaps someone who makes you wish you could chlorinate the gene pool more frequently? My boss (MY BOSS) asked me to get her a Visa to North Korea today. A VISA to NORTH FUCKING KOREA. Here is the conversation: Me: Do you mean South Korea? Boss: No, North Korea. I need a Visa for North Korea. Me: I can't do that. Boss: Why not? Me: You can't get into North Korea. Boss: Why? Me: Well, no one can leave the country, and no one can get in. Also...they have nuclear weapons. Boss: Are you serious? You're joking. Me: I'm serious. Their human rights track record is not so shiny. You cannot get a Visa to North Korea. They will not let you in. Do you know Kim Jong Il? Boss: Oh, maybe I mean South Korea. Me: Probably. I knew this girl who thought that the Bloods and Crips weren't real. She thought it was all made up to tell a cautionary tale about what can happen if you fall into cliques. In her words, like a more violent West Side Story. I wish I was making this up. You want more? Okay. I live to please. My best friend at the time and I were playing Taboo with some friends. If you don't know what that game is, look it up. She was trying to get me to guess a word. Our time is running. She tells me this is a two-parter. First part. She makes a jerking off gesture. I guess "jizz" and I am right. Second part. She says "Larry, Curly and..." I say Mo. I am again, correct. She tells me to say them together and I reluctantly say "Jizz-Mo" She yells "Yes! You got it!" I say "What the hell is Jizz-Mo??" She shows me the card she was working from. Wanna know what was on the card? GIZMO. Fucking Gizmo, as in the Gremlins and cute furry Gizmo. She's not really my friend anymore...