I'm excited...
Fire... beer... good buddies...
Though it is also a time of sadness...
Sunday would have been a year and a half... as well as two years since Corey broke up with me... Funny how everything in my life falls apart at the same time.
Corey gave me a number... 531... That number is also the number of days Cole and I were together.
It's pretty creepy really...
I'm gonna try and not let that stuff get to me though. Try being the key word...
Just surround myself with booze and good people. I'm just worried I am going to break down completely... I don't want people to see me cry. I am sick of crying... sick of being sad all the time.
All I do is drink and puke... I ate a couple pieces of bacon after class tonight... first time I ate since Sunday... That bacon didn't last long in me... it was coming back up before I finished chewing it. Stood on the scale and shocked the shit out of myself... Where is this weight loss coming from? Where does 15 pounds go and I don't notice it left? Water weight mostly I think... but still, that's a lot... considering the amount of alcohol I consume. I am honestly worried about my health. I am tired, but I cant sleep... Hungry but I cant eat... I get drunk and walk around the streets of Ellensburg like a fool... no one notices me, no one cares. I don't know... I'm worried about my sanity... this isn't normal. What I'm feeling isn't normal... and I know this feeling... I know how to read the signs my body gives me... and last time I was like this... I wound up in a mental institution... I refuse to go back... I refuse.
He doesn't know how much he ment to me... doesn't care, I guess would be a more appropriate word. I would have gave him the world if I could. Everything that was me.. but I got nothing in return... pain... sadness...
Have you ever had the crap beat out of you? Been tossed around like a toy? Beaten within inches of your life??? I would take that all over again if it would take away the pain I feel now. Carlos was pure shit, he hurt me constantly... but it was physical... I can deal with that.
I can't deal with this.
