beca's blog: "this pain is just to real"

It's just like a dream to me

That some how came to me

I see u as I sleep

I see u as I rise in the morning

I see u as I pass out in bed

I now praise that I know u

When I see u I gaze in your eyes

I try to see your thoughts

I wish I can open up more with u but it's hard

Because I'm afraid…

Afraid of crying because of what I see and feel

The pain is just too real

Every time I see my mother's murder

It's like I'm getting murdered

I'm getting stabbed over and over in the same places as she is

I can feel her pain every time the knife hits her

I feel how much its hurts

I see her crying and screaming for help

But it's to late...

She is gone

She is buried

Carried by the lord up to his world of happiness

When I first knew she was gone I had hope of her coming back

But as the days increased

My tears increased

And somehow I knew something bad has happened to her

But I still had hope of her coming back

So id sit by the front door crying…

Waiting for her to walk through

And me to be able to jump into her arms…

I still sit by the door hoping it was a mistake

Hoping she will walk through and me being able to hold her

After 10 years of not seeing my mother or holding her

Its finally coming to me that there is no chance that I will ever see my mother again

So I lay in my bed in tears

Wishing she were here

Then my life would be so much better

This pain is just to real

The things I feel and the things I need

Are not here

So every now and then I drop a tear

I cant sleep I just seem to weep

Im trying to forget those bad memories and those nightmares

But they keep coming

So I keep hiding.

Nobody here is confiding

So I keep crying remembering those nightmares

My mother in heaven is sighing

because im falling in her footsteps

if there is a god

I don't think he is a good god

Because everything I wish for never comes true

I wish I had some clue to y this happened to me

Its just to real..

So I seal my heart

My thoughts

And my life in an envelope

Where only I can know what they say.

Someday everything will be better

But not soon

I just thought I would have a mother when I grew up.

But I guess I screwed up and god took her from me..

I just don't see any life for me.