SLdC's blog: "this shit is fucking crazy!"

Emotional confusion, Living this illusion, My hands are tied, my arms are bleeding, Begging, pleading, wanting, needing. But still I will bend for you, Never want to end for you. The deepness of emotional ending, Wanting more but still pretending. I still want to break for you, For all the shit i've put you through, For all the things you'll never do, I cover the cuts,it still bleeds through. And I'd give it all away for you, I'm begging it to stay for you, For all the things I'll never do, I cover hurt, it still bleeds through. I cover up my battered truth, I'm a waste of life,a waste of youth. Sometimes I feel I am of no use, I'm hanging by my pretty noose, Wanting to be good for you, Wishing that i could for you, I'm doing all you want me to. I cover pain, it still bleeds through.

have you ever just wanted to cry? to take on all your hurt all at once, to take off this mask you wear and show the world you really aren’t that strong at all. have you ever just wanted to love? everyone that ever hated you. to say your sorry when you did nothing wrong. have you ever just wanted to feel? feel love that’s overwhelming that shakes you to your core. the perfection most strive for but never achieve. when its right in front of you but you cant have it. have you ever just wanted to scream? to tell the world everything, all your lies and secrets, if only just once. have you ever wanted to fall? just to hurt, just to sleep to make everything stop. have you ever just wanted to bleed? to cleanse the soul of imperfection, to bare the truth for all to see, to show how fucked up you really are. have you ever just wanted to lose? to show them all that you aren’t perfect. to spit the logic back in the faces of those who told you that you would succeed. have you ever just wanted to hide? to make it all go away, before your failures catch up with you, and they can see beyond the mask, beyond this show that you put on. have you ever just wanted to stop? to end everything where you stand, to say I told you so. to show your hate and disgust, for you for the world. have you ever just wanted to pray? but not know what god is. to ask for help because you feel so lost, so alone, so unwanted in your skin. have you ever just wanted to fight? for that love you so deserve, that goal you could achieve, that life that you should have. fight for the pain the loss the tears the love, fight for the new for the old for what’s gone forever. have you ever just wanted to....

Glitter Graphics

It was 11:21 pm when i got the worst phonecall of my life, it was from my mother who never called me. She said my sister was dead, all i can remember is that the 2 words Ashton and Dead just didnt fit together quite right to me. This little girl who i never ever saw enough was gone, i was so close to her. She loved me and spoke very highly of me, she always had, since she was old enough to talk. yet i wasnt there for her enough, and the reality of it is that she really didnt even know me all that well. this was the most painful and tramatic thing ive ever gone through in my life and still hurts. the pain is never ending. i wish it was me, i really do i wish she would have gotten to see the things i did, gotten to have kids, graduate highschool, get married but she cant and she never will. January 14 of 08 she wouls have been 21. but she never made it to 19. and its not fair, nothin can ever bring her back. and for the first time today, im balling my eyes out. i love that little girl so much, i didnt have enough time. i just want 5 more minutes to tell her i love her, to hold her again... i want her to know that i wouls have died for her. Ashton Bliss Wilson 1/14/87-12/18/05

i have just come to the realization that i am a mother, and what that really means. i am the single most important think in the eyes of 2 little men. i am their world, i can mold them and shape them in so many different ways. my god! everything i do effects them in someway or another. this scares the fucking hell out of me, i mean they are 5 and 2. to watch them learn to read and talk, to go pee and get little kindergarten girlfriends, haha. to see the disappointment and rejection, the confusion and pride. all of a sudden it just got really overwhelming, i do not deserve such wonderful things, i am no one, i have nothing, however the fates and heavens work its really sick to give such a glorious gift to such a fuck up, but they are mine. what do i do? do i change, stay the same, will i make them better or worse. childhood is such an important thing, it makes you who you are. i don't want to ruin my children, im afraid im all they have, am i being too hard on myself? i will never be as perfect as a mother should. im so scared. I am mommy in sickness and health, love and hate, anger and angst. though to be honest with whoever reads this, and myself i am nothing but a scared child. i dont think my brain comprehends things like adults, this worries me. i can never be the person i want to be for them, because im a, well i guess im a fucking punk, defying conventional standards and giving the finger to the man. yuk!!! its all too much. i guess all i can do is try my best and hope that they learn that i have values, i believe in them and will fight and die and kill for them. until the end. im losing my mind with this. time doesn't stand still. if i know one thing, it is this. come hell or high water im going to love these little boys with everything i have i going to hold them and kiss them and be there like my mother never was, make them feel that love that i am devoid of. forever!