evilneversleeps2k2's blog: "thoughts of a mad man"

I think this place is reserved for my blogs and biotching rambles. there is so much to say and so much to get out ...but how do i express the things that i feel when i can only think that this is that and that is this and not sure why i think eighter way at all. if you didn't understand that don't worry neighter did i and i was the one that typed it. not sure what else to say but i know i want to talk cause that is what we are all here for. well maybe this is a place for the silent screams to be heard. a place for all that need to be heard to express their feelings about themself or the one that they love or hate. to express how their day went knowing that no one will read it but it is a way for them to see everything that happened in black and white so that the reality of their life and its events sink into their minds. maybe it will help to ease their pain or make it worse. maybe one day i will blog my term paper on censorship. but if i read this blog after typing it is that a form talking to myself? does anyone really ever read these things? if i post this how do i know someone will read it if no one knows it is here? so how do we get our lamb voices to be heard over the loins roar called society's drive to seek out the "fun" stuff on the net??????? the text line blinks at me from the screen as i stare blank faced into the glow of the white screen like i am staring at the screen as if it was the light at the end of the tunnel or if it will actually answer my ?'s that i ask in vain to myself cuz i know that no one with the answers will read it. maybe by accident someone will read it and help to ease the ?'s that cloud my mind. maybe this is all just in vain. eighter way it is all been said and i can eighter it submit or delete it all and let these things stay bottled up. i am the owner and master of my thoughts and i can choose to post or not. so i choose to post and i say to hell with anyone that doesn't get this blog.

i sit here thinking of you as the candle burns out. you missed dinner again and i am once again left here sitting thinking is it me that pushes you away and makes you not want to come home to me? you use to love to come home and kiss me as i greated you at the door. i would ask you how your day was and we would sit and talk till it was all better. but now the bottle at the bar is what hears your probs as i sit here thinking that i have became one. the thoughts of you running to anothers arms dance around in my mind and that fear of you leaving me is rising again . the tears take over and i pray to god that you give me a second chance. our life is decaying right from under us and i dont want to believe what is happening. is there someone else where i belong in your heart? you said you would never let me go but it is you that seems to be doing the running. since i was a child i have dreamed of being with someone like you. just like a fairytale i read over and over throu out my life. but it seems that the happiness is all in the yesterdays and now all that i see is the emptiness in your eyes as we kiss. what do i do or what am i to say to bring back that love in our life that seemed to fall away so easy? it seems forever since your hugs had any warmth in them. where do i turn for answers? where.......?

its six o'clock in the morning, my head is ready to explode. i cant remember where i went or what i was drinking. but i know it made me sick and i am not denying that i get this way when i try to get over you. its hard to face the truth sometimes. god i feel so useless. god i hate myself. why do i feel like dying now? there are times when i am just a shell. when i do not feel anything for anyone all i fell is hollow and bruised, used up and mis-used. forced to be someone that i dont want to be. have i failed somehow or someway and will the weight of today pull me down to drown in the depths of despair where i am alone except for my rage? what does it matter? what is done is done and i should get on with my life. soon the night will take me and save me from my pain. so this is where i say goodbye. this is where my story ends and if theres is one thang that i have learned from life, it is that it gets you in the end. so goodbye my friend. G O O D B Y E