FM Mrs Hellsgate1love's blog: "to my new friends an old and all family"

>> > The Cremated Husband >> >> Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his > ashes home. >> Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio > table. >> Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to > him.... >> >> "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the > insurance money!" >> She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, > "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with > the > insurance money!" >> >> Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in > the > ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, > with the insurance money!" >> >> Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, > remember that blow job I promised you?" >> Here it comes..........

> There was a man who worked for the Post Office > > whose job it was to > > process all the mail that had illegible > > addresses. > > > > One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky > > handwriting to God with no > > actual address. He thought he should open it > > to see what it was about. > > > > The letter read: > > > > "Dear God, > > > > > > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very > > small pension. Yesterday > > someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, > > which was all the money I > > had until my next pension check. > > > > Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited > > two of my friends over for > > dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to > > buy food with. I have no > > family to turn to, and you are my only hope. > > > > Can you please help me? > > > > Sincerely, > > Edna > > > > The postal worker was touched. He showed the > > letter to all the other > > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet > > and came up with a few > > dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he > > had collected $96, which > > they put into an envelope and sent to the > > woman. > > > > The rest of the day, all the workers felt a > > warm glow thinking of Edna > > and the dinner she would be able to share > > with her friends. > > > > Christmas came and went. > > > > A few days later, another letter came from > > the same old lady to God. > > All the workers gathered around while the > > letter was opened. > > > > It read, > > > > "Dear God, > > > > How can I ever thank you enough for what you > > did for me? Because of > > your gift of love, I was able to fix a > > glorious dinner for my friends. > > We had a very nice day and I told my friends > > of your wonderful gift. > > > > By the way, there was $4 missing. > > > > I think it must have been those bastards at > > the Post Office > >

Subject: Medical Errors - 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. 2 At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!... 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Men Strike Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Send this to a few good men who need a laugh AND MAXINE SAYS..... M

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

> > "DON'T FART IN BED" > > > >If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and > >I'll pray for you. > > > >This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. > > > >The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting > >loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the > >smell > >would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she > >would > >plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He > >told > >her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to > >see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. > > > >The years went by and he continued to rip them out! > > > >Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner > >and > >he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the > >turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a > >malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl andwent upstairs where > >her husband > >was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back > >the > >elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts > >into > >his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual > >trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of > >frantic > >footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. > > > >The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, > >tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him > >back > >pretty good. > >About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood > >stained > >underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked > >him what was the matter. > > > >He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I > >didn't listen to you." > > > >"What do you mean?" asked his wife. > > > >"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, > >and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and > >two > >fingers, I think I got most of them back in." ______________________________

A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible-- Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season merry christmas

since it will take me awhile to get to each and everyone of ya'll heres a simple thank you to all of you..it will never repay you for all you have done for me and mr hellsgate666

If you get a dozen your loved!! _________________.s$$_________ ____s$ ________________s$$$?______s__ ___s$³ ______________.s$$$___ __.s$, ___s$$³ _____________s$$$$³______.s$__ _.$$³ ________, ____$$$$$.______s$³__ __³$ ________$___$$$$$$s_____s$³___ __³, _______s$___³$$$$$$$s___$$$, ` ____.. _______$$____³$$$$$$s.__³$$s__ ___, , ________³$.____³$$$$$$$s_.s$$$_ ___ _______`$$.____³$$$$$$$_$$$$__ _s³ ________³$$s____³$$$$$$s$$$³__ s$³ _________³$$s____$$$$$s$$$$`__ s$$ ______s.__$$$$___s$$$$$$$$³_.s $$³__ ______$$_s$$$$..s$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $³__ ______s$.s$$$$s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $_ _____s$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$³ ____s$$$ssss$$$$$$$$$$ssss$$$s ___$$s§§§§§§§§§s$$$$s§§§§§§§§§$$ ___³§§§§§§§§§§§§§s$s§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ ___§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§s§§§§§§§§§§§§§§ ___³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§ ____³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ _____³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ ______³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ ________³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ __________³§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§³ ____________³§§§§§§§§§§§³ _______________³§§§§§³ _________________³§³ send this heart to everyone you care about including me, if you care. See how many times you get it back... If you get it back 12 times you are truly loved

Well as many of you know I was, up until last night pregnant.Yes that's right WAS.I am losing the baby I was hopeful of havin ...me n my hunnies first baby together... I had an accident 3 days ago and slipped and fell pretty hard..I started spotting...it stopped, so it seemed that things would be okay...last night I lost alot of blood and it seems that I will lose the baby now... before you all start crying and sending me n mine condolences...please DON'T...he was 6 1/2 weeks in me but will be forever in my heart.. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for us or cry for us because that will only break my heart more..just continue to be there and be my friends and have a open mind and heart later as I know that I may at some time need ya to just listen...I will continue as I always have, and support ya'll and listen to ya like I always have..because thats truly in the end what I do best...I love you all and know that you feel the same but right now I have niether lost or have a baby and it will take time for us all here to adjust to this..ty all in advance for your love n thoughts n prayers..and yes we are still havin a darn wedding..so I expect you all to be there. and to those of you cruel enough to leave me notes today saying i dont deserve a baby..go screw yourselves..ya know who you are.. to my precious baby ..i know you are in heaven and would not want to see your mommy cry so i will try hard ..i will always love you and remember you and what you meant to your daddy and I...save me a place beside you for daddy n I, when we all see each other again...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY HEART IS BREAKING