HorrorDoll's blog: "Writings By Jolie Noggle"

One famous person that i would like to have breakfast with is Seth Rogen. I just think he is a really cool and funny guy. Sure i have had some really weird "stalking and making out with him" dreams that i cannot eplain! But I just really admire him. As I wrote in a blog before, he kinda reminds me of my husband. And that makes me wonder what he's like in real life. Every character he plays in movies or on TV seem to be an extension of himself, or it seems like he is just playing himself sometimes. But I really don't know since i don't know him. I think he's cool because we are about the same age and over the last few years he seemed to come out of nowhere and take over the media and i love that! Of course i have been a fan since he was on "Freaks and Geeks" and his character "Ken" was my favorite. I even kinda had a crush on him when i started digging chubby boys! It sucks that "Freaks and Geeks" AND "Undeclared" got cancelled so soon because both shows were hilarious. It's great that he didn't give up writing and acting because it finally paid off. People finally respect his work and discovered how funny and talented he is! And that is awesome! He can finally make big budget films with semi-famous people and make incredibly funny movies to make me laugh and always entertain me no matter how many times i have seen them....and i would really love to sit down at breakfast with him and discuss all these things over coffee.

About a year ago I was at Blockbuster with my husband. He pointed at the tv moniter and said,"Isn't that one of those girl bands that you like?" I looked up at the tv screen and saw Le Tigre singing "TKO" and I wanted to cry! It's so silly because i felt sad that Le Tigre was so popular that a few years before this they were on the Carson Daly Show....Initially, I was excited but then I was heartbroken because the girl bands that I loved so much for years (that no one I knew had ever heard of!) were no longer my little secret! For years I was so protective of this top secret underground club that I was an exclusive member of!!! I was selfish and didn't want to share-- I wanted Riot Grrrl all to myself! And now everyone knew about it! The weird thing about it was-- I wasn't even into Riot Grrrl music like I had been years ago. I was totally out of the loop and I had been for years. And when I first got into Riot Grrrl music,I didn't really have anyone to share it with and would've given anything to be around other girls in my small town that I could do zines and music with. But I didn't have that when I was younger. All that my friends cared about was boys....so I had to start something all by myself. I was on my own. It all started in the summer of 1994. Iturned 16 that summer. I was still mourning the death of Kurt Cobain. (something none of my friends seemed to understand. they didn't even like Nirvana let alone understand why I was so upset when he died.) Music has always been my life. Nirvana had been one of my favorite bands for about 3 years ever since I saw the "Smells like teen spirit" video on Headbanger's Ball in 1991! A few years prior to this I was introduced to punk music by my older brother Joseph. He had cool skater friends that listened to the Descendents,Ramones,Black Flag,Dead Kennedys and Social Distortion. So at the age of 12 I put my Anthrax & Metallica tapes aside and got more into the mix tapes my brother made for me with music by The Misfits & Samhain....When I was 15, I started watching "Alternative Nation" hosted by the oh-so-wacky Mtv VJ Kennedy. I knew that all the cool music was labeled "alternative" even though just 2 years before it was called "indie"!! I wasn't allowed to stay up late and watch "120 minutes" on sundays because I had school the next day! One night Kennedy was interviewing Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth and they played the "Bull in the Heather" video. I couldn't keep my eyes of the cute pigtailed girl bouncing around in the video and I thought she was so cool! I didn't know who she was for a long time until I saw another interview with a very pregnant Kim Gordon and she said "That's Kathleen Hanna from Bikini Kill". I HAD to know more! I had read about Bikini Kill as well as Heavens to Betsy and Bratmobile in Sassy Magazine. And I didn't know much about this whole Riot Grrrl movement I kept hearing about...only that I was a few years behind! I recall reading a section in Sassy called "zine of the month" or something to that effect but I still wasn't sure what it was all about...My favorite bands at the time were Hole & Babes in Toyland. I had placed a pen pal ad in Metal Edge Magazine when I was 15 and as a result aquired quite a few pen pals! (up to 40 or 50 at one point! I just know it was a ridiculous amount and I don't know how the hell I kept that up!!!) I was addicted to MAIL!!! Getting my mail was the highlight of my day! I couldn't wait to get home from school everyday and find a stack of cool mail sitting on the kitchen table waiting for me! Nothing made me happier! It was the best! Mainly because at the time I was extremely lonely and felt alienated living in a very small town with part time friends.....The handfull of friends that I did have weren't always around and they were certainly not into the same music that I was into. They mostly listened to r&b and country music. Which are 2 genres of music that I have never been into. I felt especially isolated that summer because all of my friends had boyfriends and I was (as always!) SINGLE. So I reached out to the pen pal community! And in return I received a mailbox full of love and cool mail,stickers and mix tapes! The art of the mix tape was also how I was introduced to Roit Grrrl music. Thanks to my pen friend Amanda! She always made me the best mixes! Which I still have to this day!!!! The first mix she made for me included Bikini Kill,Bratmobile,Heavens To Betsy and Huggy Bear. I couldn't get enough!!! I wanted MORE!!!! She made me another mix with music by Viva Knievel,Raooul,Tourettes & Milk Money--and i was absolutley IN LOVE with this music! Soon she sent me a Kill Rock Stars catalog and I couldn't wait to order my own Riot Grrrl Records! I'm not sure what I ordered first. I just know that it made me HAPPY. Nothing was cooler than singing along to Bratmobile's "Cool Schmool" in my bedroom! In early 1995, Amanda and her friend Meredith sent me their zine "Dustcake Girl" and I was in AWE of the AWESOMENESS of this little xeroxed work or art! I just thought it was the coolest! These girls were so cool and publishing their writing and I just thought it was the greatest thing in the world! By the end of my sophomore year, my friends and I had yet again drifted apart. I felt abandoned by them again once summer rolled around. Plus I was very disappointed that they had no interest in my newfound love for riot grrrl and zines. I was so excited to share this newly discovered phenomonon and they didn't even care. I was so bummed that I had no one to support me in my new venture to do a zine. And I tried to recruit my friends to do zines with me for so many years! I was afraid to do one by myself. I'm not sure why. I really just wanted my friends to be a part of it because they were my best friends and they were tough and they meant a lot to me and I really just wanted us to unite and create & KICK ASS. But...it never happened. They just weren't into it. Even tho I had gotten Jamie Lee to write reviews ONCE for a zine called "Lint Baby" that was never published. Which is probably a good thing because it was very embarassing because I'm sure it would've been all about how much I loved Tim Armstrong from Rancid!!! I let Amber borrow Hole and Operation Ivy once and she actually liked them so I was proud of that!!About a year later I made her a mix of Bikini Kill and a few other RG bands but she had no response to that. I think it kind of scared her! I just remember that she had this boyfriend that I didn't like because he was abusive to her. So I gave her this mix tape thinking maybe she'd get a subliminal message and realize she didn't need that guy. I thought she'd feel the same pride and empowerment I felt when I heard Kathleen scream and yell into a microphone. But I guess she didn't get it. I wanted her to break up with her boyfriend...but she got pregnant by him instead. I had dropped out of high school my junior year and I felt so alone. I was sure that my girl friends at school would soon forget all about me. I felt like I left them all behind when I left high school because I never saw them outside of school anymore. They were kind of hard to find. So I befriended this group of boys ...that were actaully my older brothers friends but they were in my grade at school. I felt like I could relate to them better at that time anyway.Plus I was pissed at Jamie Lee because she had ditched me for a boy one night. A boy that we had both dated.(we all went out with Joel....) I was sick of girls ditching me for boys. So i just hung out with boys instead. During this time I was getting into the Clash,Rancid,Sex Pistols and other guy fronted bands.But I also added Excuse Seventeen and Sleater-Kinney to my GRRRL collection. Corin Tucker's voice gave me chills. Sleater-Kinney always made the kind of music that made me so jealous but I couldn't help but LOVE it! They wrote songs I wish I wrote and I wished so much that I could do what they were doing and create this kind of music. Kill Rock Stars bands never played anywhere near my town. So I never had the chance to see any bands play like I wanted to so badly. My bedroom walls were plastered with collages I made with inspiring words,riot grrrl slogans and Bikini Kill lyrics. I was so proud to be a girl... I had had long hair down to my ass since I was 12 years old. At the age of 17 Iwas tired of it so I chopped it all off, up to right below my ears and it felt good! I felt FREE! It's weird how something so simple can make you feel so different. My hair was short...it was choppy....it was uneven---but i LOVED it!!!! I always wanted to be a ROCKSTAR. I'd been fantisizng about being in a band since I was 8 years old! But i didn't play any instruments or know anyone else that did....so it never happened. I spent countless hours lipsycning to the Third Sex and Bratmobile and dancing in front of my mirror in my bedroom. And since the zine thing never worked out--I decided that I needed to try to do something else. I just wanted to do something...anything!!! I wanted to be a part of the Riot Grrl scene, I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to be a part of the revolution. I was always WRITING. And I also liked to TALK! So I decided to start writing spoken word, which at first were mostly excerpts from my journal. I was only 17. The only spoken word I had ever heard was Henry Rollins and my pieces were nothing like his.....I had no idea what I was doing. But for some reason it just came naturally to me. I just talked into my tape recorder and it just flowed. Then I cut and pasted an insert for it,photocopied it and started trading the tapes for zines. My first tape was called "debutante'--which eventually hated so I was glad only about 12 people got that tape! The next one was entitled "Tiddlywinks" and I think the majority of that was recorded in my grandma's kitchen because I liked the acoustics in there! For awhile,everytime I ordered from Kill Rock Stars I would get a little ad for Tobi Vail's cassette label Bumpidee. So the idea of starting my own cassette label materialized sometime in 1996. I'm not sure exactly when it was but since I was doing all these spoeken word tapes--it just made sense for me to just start my own tape label. I called it "Dead Meat". I don't remember why I decided on that name but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I worked at McDonald's at the timeand I came home smelling like dead meat and onions everyday and I hated it! And since I started doing my tape label and sending out flyers and catalogs- a lot of other grrrls doing the same thing started contacting me and I was so excited! A few girls were doing tape compilations so i decided to do one too! I put together a few ads and sent them out to people. The first band to respond was The Others. I can't even begin to explain the excitement I felt when I received this package in the mail! I also got music from The Post Toasties -a girl band from Arizona. the bass player Kim who also did a zine called "Miss Priss" -she sent me their demo. A girl named Erin (she also did a zine called "Glamour Queen") sent a few songs by her band The Volanteens. (Erin was in several bands over the years and always had cool music to send for whatever project I was working on at the time! Later she was in The Makeshift Conspiracy and Delta Dart.) I was compiling a spoken word compilation at the same time but didn't get as many contributions for that tape. So my "Riot" comp. ended up being music and spoken word. I recorded another spoken word tape in the summer of '96 and that was called "Saddlesore". I received a lot of positive feedback! so I was absolutely ecstatic that people actually liked what I was doing! A funny story--I had a crush on this boy all summer. I ran into him one day and told him about my spoken word tape and he told me he'd like to hear it. So I saw him again later that week and he bought one. (I was going to just give it to him but it was only $3 and he insisted on buying it because I was a "starving artist") so he bought my tape not knowing that one of the tracks was about him! I don't think he ever knew--there's no way he would've known unless someone told him! it's just funny because I ran into him again at a mall about 6 months later and he told me how much he like the tape and that he was impressed. I just smiled to myself!!! A few of my spoken word pieces got put on a few compilations. The track that got the most attention was on a compilation on the cassette label Pass The Buck. The piece was called "Cringer Turns Into Battlecat." it got good reveiws! My spoken word was compared to Kathleen Hanna's wordcore 7" in Riot Grrrl Reveiw (and in other zines!!!!) But I had never heard that record...so i ordered it. I thought it was so great. Soon after that I ordered the Sue P. Fox cassette. I'm not sure when I got the Fakes record--it may have been before that but the "Real Fiction" album definitely had a huge influence on me and my spoken word. The spoken word on that album is just so intense and filled with emotion. It really made me want to improve my work and write something powerful like that. I started writing these long epic poem type things. That was a really important time in my life because I was so inspired. And I was like a sponge! Every little thing inspired me...I got inspiration from the littlest things!!! I've tried to recapture that feeling so many times since then (to no avail). Riot Grrrl was just such a big part of my life in 96-99 and empowered me to do so much. Just listening to strong women making strong music made me stronger. And made me realize I should be proud because I was a girl and it taught me to not be not ashamed to be who/what I was. I wasn't embarrassed to walk down the street wearing a shirt that said "My Pussy My Choice." That year I got so fed up with boys.And I soon realized I didn't have to put up with their shit. I was sick of being fucked over. I was always obsessing over boys and I was tired of it. When a relationship turned sour I'd confine myself to my room and let the music comfort me. And when I started writing spoken word it was about boys. Not one boy but several boys that I had dated. But yeah--boys inpired my writing and back then it seemed like my whole world. Of course in hindsight is see how unimportant these guys were. But those people gave me material! The shit that these boys put me through made me angry and that anger made me want to WRITE and that anger came out on paper and right out of my mouth and into my tape recorder. That's why those pieces are so genuine because it's real. I felt every sentence and I meant every word. But now I know that those boys had absolutley no impact on my life in the grand scheme of things. But my feelings about them and the fucked up situations I went thru with them had a big impact on my ART and that's all that matters --that SOMETHING came out of it. And looking back now: I don't remember the bad things about that year. I only see pink lipstick,glitter,cool zines and good music. Things were SIMPLE. Things were just so much easier when the most importanat thing in my life was getting the new Sleater-Kinney record!!!! At the end of 1996 I recorded a spoken word tape called "Superstar!" and it featured a spoken word piece but a rad girl named Sabrina! She was one of the few people to send something for my spoken word compilation. She was also on the "Riot!" comp....In the fall of '96 is when I started hanging out with Len, a skater boy that played drums and we shared many of the same interests. He was the only person in my town that EVER showed any interest in RG and zines and whatever I was doing. We became best friends, though we never started a band together like we wanted to....I remember I had just received a zine called "Cuite Pie" by a girl named Melon and she sent me a tape of her band Cindy Lou Who and I wanted to start a band like that! Our band never happened and we attempted to do a zine together. It was called "Space Patrol"...it was never finished. I wish we would finished it especially since I had the pleasure of interviewing Emily's Sassy Lime for it! I ended up putting that in a zine/catalog. I did the same thing with a Bis interview in early 1997. Because at that point I had never finished a zine--I'd start one and give up on it. I'd just think the whole thing was stupid and no one would like it so I just didn't finish it. So I actually didn't do a zine until I was 19. The first zine I did was called "I hate you (this is goodbye)"and I didn't even disrtibute it myself. It was only available through Pander Distro. And my first zine that I did on my own was "Veronica Lodge". It took me nearly 3 years to do a zine and that's kind of stupid considering that I wanted to do one so badly for so long. I don't know why I didn't just do it. Stop talking about it and just do it already!!! I had this big fear of rejection from the zine community. But when I finally pruduced a zine all I got was love & support!! So I thank all those girls that wrote me letters full of enthusiasum and encouragement!!! Summer 1997 was the best time in my life because it was when I was at my most CREATIVE! T his is when "Starstruck (punk as fuck)" was written and recorded. I can only WISH that I could still write like I did that summer. It's ten years later and I never thought I'd be 29 years old and looking back at that time period and calling it my "glory days"!!!! Things were just so different back then. I guess because I was so young and everything was just so exciting for me back then. And this was the only time in my life that I didn't have a boyfriend or someone that I was obsessing over. I did have a small crush on a boy named Ryan that worked at a record store in Muncie,Indiana. Two stores in Muncie were selling my spoken word and I felt like I was on top of the world!!! One store owner told me that I was becoming "quite the local goddess" to a few girls in town. I was so happy! So i didn't need boys... I was so focused on writing and creating art. All I needed was music and zines as opposed to sex and boys! Before I released my "Riot!" compilation (it took about a YEAR to get enough material for it!!!) I changed my "Dead Meat" label to "Ego Records". I used to tell people it was because I always got accused of being self-centered and vain (which is true-i did) but I really came up with the name because I wanted it to be 3 letters! So in my catalog I could number things EGO-001 and EGO-002 and so on....and that's the real reason I chose "EGO" as the name!!! Sabrina had recorded more spoken word so I told her I'd do a tape on "Ego" for her. Soon "Fallen Star" was released followed by a split tape by Lickety Slpit and Pretty Fury. Pretty Fury was two girls that recorded some of the coolest songs in a basement! I couldn't resist doing a tape for them! Lickety Split was an all girl band from California and they had some cool hits as well!!! My favorite being a song called "Glamour Queen".... Around this time it seemed like everyone had a tape label! It was so fun trading tapes for distro with all the other small tape labels!!! I started a distro because I wanted to include other labels tapes in my catalog! Especially sincea lot of their music was on my compilations anyway! It was just a really awesome time. Another small label that was really great was My Room Records. It started out as a tape label but eventually they started producing their own records and I really looked up to Wendianne and the other kids at My Room because they really created a lot of good music and kicked so much ass. I really miss The Sarcastic Bitch and Goodnite Moon!!! In early 1998, "Babelicious" was born. This was my (very) personal zine. Doing spoken word, I was used to spilling my guts and my secrets....But I really poured my heart out in this zine....I did it for about 3 years. Over the years I was sending zines and spoken word tapes to Kathleen Hanna c/o Kill Rock Stars. Anytime I wrote a letter she would write back and it made me happy that she took the time to do that. But being as popular as she was, I never thought she wold really pay attention to what I wrote or anyting because I'm sure she got tons of mail from lots of people. There were a few times I really felt like giving up on zines.Yhen i received a letter from Kathleen and whenever I was down I would read it and it always made me feel better!!! I noticed things started to slow down in 1999. A lot of people I used to trade zines with just stopped zining or moved on to bigger and better things.i I'd get letters from cool girls (and boys!) every once in awhile...but they were few and far between and it just wasn't the same anymore. I wasn't on that same high...I recorded a tape called "Primadonna" which I actually forgot about until I was looking through my spoken word tapes a few days ago! Leah from Teen Anthem Records asked me to do a cd.That's when "I'd start a revolution but I don't have time" came out. So I did that and she also made magnets with my photo on it and pins that said "i love jolie" as promo! (which I sent to Kathleen!) that year EGO was mostly a distro. In 2000-I sort of lost my way.everyday was a panic attack And I was tired of feeling that way. I was so proud of the fact that I didn't drink or do drugs ( I was never straightedge but I just wasn't into drinkin' and druggin') Music got pushed to the backburner while I went out to sew some wild oats! So..2000 was the summer of boys and booze.(I did a zine about it and that turned out pretty good! So something came outta that fucked up experience!) I recorded a tape called "princess" but it was kinda lame. I'd get drunk and record and it just wasn't like what I used to do. Plus no one seemed interested in my work anymore and i wasn't taken seriously and that only made me wanna drink more.Cadallaca's "out west" ep & Sleater-Kinney's "all hands on the bad one" rekindled my love for Riot Grrrl after a bad break up in 2001. I recorded a spoken word tape called "the story of my life". By the end of 2001 I stopped doing "Babelicious". One of the reasons I wanted to quit was because of all these popularity contest type distros. I felt inadaquate and like my zine was just not up to par compared to their zines. A lot of zinesters made me feel like my zine wasn't even worth reading let alone good enough to be included in their elite distro. I lost interest in the zine community because of this. Everything lost it's charm so I just quit. It was a BOY that made me want to get back into it. Lo-Fi Bri from St. Louis started writing to me in 2001. I think he just bought a bunch of zines at first and then we started corresponding. He sent me all these old Bratmobile and Sleater-Kinney and H2B and Le tigre videos that he had collected. It totally renewed my faith in the cause! The last issue of "Babelicious" was a split wth his last issue of his zine "Dumboy" and that came out in 2002. I went to St Louis in March 2002 to see Le Tigre with Brian. I met Kathleen Hanna. It was the greatest night in my life. The show was great-- I danced and I sang along to every song. Before they played I spotted Kathleen in the crowd so I went over to her and as soon as she saw me she knew who i was! I handed her my zine and I think iI might have shook her hand! and I said "I'm Jolie...."she shocked me by exclaiming,"I thought that was you! I looked over and I thought 'that girl looks like Jolie!'" I was speechless!! Because Kathleen seemed just as excited to meet me! She told me that she had my magnet on her fridge and that her and Johanna "talk about me all the time like they knew me" and they were always like "Oh I wonder what Jolie's been doing" and I just stood there in amazement with my mouth hanging open! I had my picture taken with her and later during their set Kathleen dedicated "the the empty" to me. She was like "oh...this song is for Jolie!" I was standing in the front row and she points at me and says,"She's right there!" That totally made my night...It made my LIFE!!!!! And it was funny to hear Brian tell the story to him co-workers the next day :"Kathleen Hanna, who is like..The QUEEN of Riot Grrrl, came up to Jolie & hugged her!" Later--it seemed like that moment should have meant more to me...but a few months after that I was no longer interested in zines and I stopped listening to Riot Grrrl. With the exception of a few songs on mix tapes that people made for me. The music that once was so important to me and my life--wasn't enough to save me from alcoholism and being used by boys and hating myself. I just hung out with my friends and their band for a few years. And I was fine just standing on the sidelines and cheering them on. My friend Jamie's band The Street Freaks was a huge part of my life for a few years.Jamie was my best friend and is now my husband. I have changed so much since I was a young ambitious Riot Grrrl!! I'm so different but being a wife hasn't changed my outlook about RG and the importance that it had on my life as a teen. I'm still proud to be a girl and I'm now getting back to my "riot grrrl roots" and this zine is just the first step! I want so much to get back into creating things because there's just so much more I wanted to accomplish when I was younger that i never got the done. I want to pick up where i left off....I started writing zines again in 2004. Until recently I had all but given up on RG zines. I didn't think they existed anymore because it'd been so long since I received one in the mail. Then they started popping up all over the place! I think it was just because I didn't know where to find them. People my age weren't doing zines anymore(atleast the ones I knew back in the day) and I noticed that girl zinesters were getting younger and younger! Sure it made me feel old but it also made me happy! Because no matter what there are always gonna be new people discovering Riot Grrrl like I did when I was 16. I was just like them at one time and it's so cool to see it's still happening. It makes me happy to see young girls writing cool zines and playing kick ass music. As I get older I may not have the time and energy to do all the things I did when I was younger and it's good to see girls out there taking over! Because I am almost 30 so I am more than happy to pass on the torch! Maybe they can accomplish more than I ever did! So I am elated to know that the revolution will continue to rage on!!! I'm so proud to say that I was once part of the RIOT GRRRL REVOLUTION!!!

It was 1997. My Brother Joaquin & I were pretending to be in a band with Lori--my other brother Joseph's live in girlfriend. we were originally known as "Kitty Porn" but over those 2 weeks we recorded 30 or 40 "songs" we became "Kiddie Porn." outta sheer boredom we started this "band". made up only of a drum machine,maracas,a guitar that none of us knew how to play,silly lyrics & annoying voices. we sang songs about people we knew & did not know,candy,cats, milk!, & whatever else we came up with right on the spot. we basically decided what the words to the song would be,press "record" on my little tape recorder & chant them over & over until we decided that the "song" was over. we surprisingly came up with some good shit considering we couldn't play a note & we were just fucking around! but that's not really what this story is about. this is about how we tried to get our friend len to join in on the action. he worked at McDonald's that fall & had a really bad habit of talking with a really bad english accent! one day we walked to mcdonald's to see when len would be getting off of work. i do not recall how long we were there.i just remember sitting at a table with joaquin & lori. & lori was wearing black lipstick becos it was around Halloween. len told us to come back later. so as we walked home i was strutting down the street & i guess i swing my arms too much becos my hand swung into a truck that was parked in front of another resturant & i yelped in pain! the truck somehow sliced open my middle finger right below the knucle & all i could do was bleed! i was still carrying my soda & when it was gone & all i had was a cup of ice, so i stuck my wounded hand into the cup & by the time we got home i had a cup full of blood. it looked like iced red soda! i still have the scar to this day which i refer to as my "nike" scar becos it is shaped like the logo. that damn truck checkmarked me for life!!! we decided to kill time by recording more songs. we had fun & drank tea, which for some reason i had a bad reaction to--i remember not being able to breathe very well after i consumed this herbal tea. this was about a year before i knew that i had asthma. that night we headed back to MickeyD's & joaquin decided he wanted to seek some "revenge" on his former friend debra (whom we had written a song about entitled "danger debby"!) by stealing a lawn decoartion outta her yard.it was one of those balls that sit on top of a stand & ....just sit there & look pretty i guess! i'm pretty sure he only wanted it becos it was blue & blue is joaquin's favorite color as well as his nickname! once we met up with len we told him about our plans & we knew he would be the one to actually act on it! oh the things you do outta boredom when yer young!! we nonchalantly walked by debra's house. len stolled over to the big blue ball on a stand & picked it up & started to run. he dropped it & it made a loud crash like he had just dropped a big plant pot so we all took off running! outta the corner of my eye ,as i ran, i saw len pick it back up & start running faster & all i could do was laugh, & cough, & run! the tea was still choking me so all i remember about running was that i couldn't catch my breath. we all stopped on the next street over & laughed our asses off cos the whole thing was just so stupid! & this stupid ball was so much bigger than we had thought! it looked so small sitting in the yard! but it filled joaquin's arms & we knew we couldn't walk down the street like that even if it was dark!!! i gave joaquin my leather jacket & he wrapped the ball up so it just looked like he was carrying a big bulky jacket. as we walked on still giggling about our hijinks a police car pulled up behind us & he turned on his lights. we thought we were caught. we thought someone had called the cops on us & we were gonna get in trouble for stealing a damn lawn ornament!!! we all froze & waited for the cop to come out & he was like "what are you kids up to?" or some shit. at the time i was carrying a little pink Barbie backpack even tho i was 19 years old! the officer said that people were complaing about people toilet papering in the neighbor & we all breathed a collective sigh of releif cos we knew we were not caught & that we were slick enough to get outta this ridiculous little mess!!! the cop was like "what's in yer knapsack?" i immediately showed him cos i had nothing to hide. i had make up & zines, not toilet paper. so i had no problem with showing him there was nothing in there! i turned on the charm becos i also knew that this cop in particular was known for flirting with young girls! i was like "we're too old to be doing stuff like that!" & i tried my best to be all cute & shit! he didn't even seem to notice the big bulky leather jacket joaquin was holding...joaquin said something about the jacket but i immediatley chimed in & got his focus off of it cos the officer didn't even mention it! he went on & on about it being a nice neighborhood & he was trying to prevent vandalism or whatever. (meanwhile about a block away the stand for the blue ball was in pieces in the middle of the street!) he eventually let us go.i can't even remember if he took our names & IDS cos usually they did....but he got in the car & we walked away laughing once again. cos for a minute there...we really thought we were goners! when we got back home len finally recorded a song with us. it was called "Hamster Boy" about a guy that we know that has chicklet teeth. & there you have it...a story from my youth about living in a small town where there is nothing to do but find something to do.

my dad has been dead for 4 years. i find that hard to believe. i dream about him very often. in my dreams i know he's dying but thought he was already dead...i know that doesn't make sense...but in my dreams it's like i know he's supposed to be dead or that he will be dying soon. in 2003 my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. it hit my family pretty hard becos it was so unexpected. it was just a really hard time for me. for all of us... but i'm expected to be "the strong one." so it was really hard for me to keep up that front. i was really close to my dad as a little girl. i had a t-shirt that said "daddy's girl." & i have written about this before & it's still just as hard to write about as it for me to write about 2 years ago. my dad & i drifted apart. & we were no longer close as i got older. i try not to blame my mom for this but she is the reason my dad pushed me away. she was always really jealous & as a matured she made him feel like he couldn't talk to me so it was hard for him to communicate with me. cos i think he was afraid my mom would get jealous....& that's fucked up cos he was my father. & he had the right to be my daddy. but we grew apart. we stopped talking even tho we lived in the same house. in my 20s i'd see him at the local bar & he'd buy me drinks & it's like that's how he showed me affection. one drunken night i gave him a great big hug. & he told my mom "now i can die happy now that i know that jolie doesn't hate me." & that totally broke my heart when my mom told me that. & i know she blamed herself for making us bother feel like we had to push each other away. she also blamed herself for his death. my dad was 21 years older than my mom. he'd be 70 years old now....but right before my dad got sick she left him. she moved out & she had a new boyfriend. & she felt guilty. when we all found out about his cancer i happened to be spending the night at my mom's new apartment. i just got out of the shower & was spritzing on my mom's white grape body spray. i heard my brother joseph's voice. i didn't hear anything he said. but i could tell by his tone that something was wrong.& i knew it was about my dad cos he was supposed to go to the doctor that morning. i did not want to come out of that bathroom. but when i did joseph was gone & my mom was sitting in the living room. she looked crushed. she looked like a lost child. i said "what's wrong?" she said "yer dad only has 3 months to live." & she burst out crying. so i just hugged her & all i could do was comfort her. i didn't cry. i stayed strong for my mother. she said it was her fault cos she left. & i told her it wasn't. she said "i knew he'd die if i left." then when joaquin woke up we had to tell him. he had no reaction. i think we all feel like we gotta be strong so that my mom doesn't fall apart. she's had so many members of her family die--her 2 brothers & her parents at different times in her life. so we hafta be strong for her so she knows she'll be okay. atleast that's how i see it....i avoided home as much as possible. i stayed at friends houses cos i couldn't deal with the stress of my dad's illness.& the fact that my mom would disappear & tried to overdose twice. & joaquin also diappeared a few times & ran away to a mental health hospital. i went to visit my dad as much as i could. but i couldn't bare to see him die. i got a "Daddy" tattoo & showed it to him & it made him smile really big. so i was happy that he was aware that i got the tattoo for him. & he knew that i loved him.soon the cancer ate away his brain & he couldn't communicate as well. it was hard to watch. i couldn't handle seeing my dad so helpless. the last time i saw him he seemed so small. he lost alotta weight & it made me so sad. he died the next morning...alone. i am so scared that i will die alone...& even tho it sends me staright into a panic attack--i think about it a lot. & i wonder if he knew he was dying when he died & what was the last thing he thought about??? i wish he coulda lived to see me get married & hold his grandkids (if i ever have children that is). it breaks my heart to know he won't be there for that.i didn't go to his funeral. i can't handle funerals.i haven't been to one since i was 10. i visit his grave a lot tho. my family leaves him flowers,toys, & beer. even tho we were not close for a long time he was still my dad & i still loved him & i know how much he loved me. i miss my daddy.

Your unfulfilled dreams. Why so? one thing that i have always wanted to do but never got the chance to do...is be in a band. i know i have mentioned this several times on Livejournal,Myspace, & various other websites...but i'm almost 30 years old. how can i be so OLD & not have this seemingly simple dream realized?!! well for one thing i never really had the patience to learn to play an instrument. i can be quite lazy...another thing is that i never knew any people that wanted to start a band with me. when i was younger i kinda isolated myself in this little rockstar fantasy world in my head & that was no way to get my goal accomplished. when i was 16 i wanted a guitar. i never got one. when i quit school there was a rumor that i quit to go on tour with a band! ha i wish!!! i'll never know how that rumor got started but i loved the fact that people actually believed that about me! around that time i got caught up in the zine scene & by then i started doing spoken word & that was good enough for me for the time being.cos maybe someday i'd meet some cool kids that dug my art & we could start an all girl band!....at age 19 i was satisfied just daydreaming about singing in a band. a few record stores in muncie,IN sold my spoken word cassettes & one store owner told me i was becoming "quite the little goddess" in muncie! so that made me happy!!...for awhile. becos in the back of my head there was still that dream & that hope that someday maybe i could go to college or move to a bigger city & meet cool people to start a band with...it never happened. i was either caught up in boozing or boys...i still did spoken word. i still did zines. but there was still something missing. that desire to SING! so i did drunk karaoke for a few years at local bars but that's nothing like being in a band.i got the chance to perform & have people cheer me on but it wasn't very fulfilling. once i started hanging out with some guys in a band i thought maybe i would finally have the chance....they let me sing one day but i got too drunk which made me insecure & i never wanted to do it again. there was also the fact that those boys were so much younger than me. it made me feel stupid that i was 23 & i wanted to sing in a band made up of 16-19 year old boys!!!!! also about a week or 2 later their friend booked a show for them. so they only had a short time to practice. i was pushed to the side so i just totally forgot about it for awhile. once again my dream was crushed & swept under the rug. i wasn't a groupie for this band-they were my friends. however i let myself get involved with other guys in other bands that i obsessed over for way to many years...i blame myself for the fact that this dream is unfulfilled. becos i never learned to play guitar like i had meant to for so many years. i guess i'm just lazy! but my husband even bought me a guitar a few years ago. i swore i was gonna learn to play it & he was gonna teach me...it sat in the corner & collected dust for over a year. i recently sold it to my brother. part of me thinks that maybe i can still fulfill this dream even if it's just a garage band for a short period of time or even just recording a few songs with my husband. i juswanna create something. i recently got back into doing spoken word. which was really cool. i was nervous about it at first but i guess it's like riding a bike!!! but still....there's that hope in my heart & wish in my head--i wanna be in a band. even if it's just for a minute or 2. before it's too late. before i'm too old & have too much responsiblity. it's a silly little dream & i still think the same thing that i thought when i was 13---maybe someday.

i may call myself a "writer" but i use that term very loosely. i LOVE to write..i write every single day in my journal,in my blog on Myspace, on Livejournal. & i have lost count of how many other blogs i have online & do not update.i have kept journals since i was 10 years old. i threw some of them away when i was younger & i wish that i hadn't. i threw them out after i had broken up with a boyfriend that i wanted to forget about..other journals just disappeared. i threw away 2 of my journals after i found them in my younger brother's bedroom. he took them thinking i wouldn't notice. but of course i did cos those words in those purple notebooks were my whole life.but i couldn't read them ever again once i knew that my brother had read them. i was too embarrassed. So here i am nearly 30 years old with a HUGE box filled with over 10 years worth of journals.it's one of those big plastic totes.... when my husband & i moved we had this box in the trunk of our car for weeks, too lazy to lift the heavy box & put it away in our new apartment! My mom called us one day becos she had a flat tire & needed us to come & get her so she could buy a new tire. we bought the tire & then my husband jamie had to change the tire.of course the car jack was undernearth this massive journal-filled blue tote! so he took it outta the trunk & set it down in the parking lot. & it occured to me that my whole life was in that box. that was MY LIFE in there. the only proof that i ever existed....what if we just drove away & left my whole life in that box in an empty parking lot?! when i die no one would ever know that i was alive! (which isn't totally true cos my many,many photo albums & scrapbooks were still at home!) but that's all i could think about...all i could do was stare at that box containing my whole life story. Thru the years my journal was my psychiatrist & my best friend.writing is what got me thru hard times. all of my break ups & break downs. my journal was there to comfort me. so what do i do now with these notebooks filled with crazy irrational thoughts & fucked up drunken ramblings??? i started writing zines & poerty when i was 16 or 17. then i started doing spoken word. a majority of my writing was derived from my journals. and now my journals serve only one purpose--as reference. while i do have a pretty good memory(all tho admittedlly NOT as good as it used to be!)--i have the advantage of my journals if i can't remember something that happened. i can use them like encyclopedias! if i can't remember WHEN something happened or the details of something i'm trying to remember i can just go back & look it up in my handy dandy journal! so it' like a party favor!!--if one of my friends can't recall something i can just look up the event in question & tell them everything that happened...in detail! people always ask me,"how do you remember all of that?!" i say,"Well i don't. but i went home & wrote about it in my journal that night." then they give me that "yer so weird" look & become freaked out instead of amazed! i don't recall details of conversations unless i(more or less) transcribed the conversation from memory in my journal. so i could study it & pick it apart & dissect it at a later date.which proved to be a problem becos i had an obsession with trying to figure out things that were said to me by boys that i liked...i tried to find a deeper meaning in our conversations & read too much into things.so that kinda got me into trouble sometimes. some may say this is abnormal....it kinda is. or at the very least unhealthy. But i am really happy that i kept journals all those years.i have been very unstable at times. & i needed that outlet very badly. writing was my therapy. it saved me from losing my mind cos alotta times i felt like i had no one to talk to...i talked to my family & friends but alotta things i didn't share with them. i saved those thoughts & insecurities for my journal. I only recently started calling myself a WRITER. i'm not an author nor have i written anythng that has been published outside of the zine world. (with the exception of some poetry.) so what should i call myself if i don't use the word "writer"?? i love writing--in fact i am obsessed with it.as a result all i have is a drawer full of zines i've written since the mid 90s & a big box full of journals that are faded & illegible.i have never taken a writing class. so i have never 'honed my craft." so how can i call myself a "writer" when i am so obviously no good at it? i have wanted to write a book for years just to see if i could do it & after 3 or 4 failed attempts--i still haven't done it...so how can i possibly call myself a a "WRITER"?????????

i would hafta say that my proudest moment was when i gave a guy a black eye & a fat lip becos he called my brother a"fag".but violence is never the answer for anything--i don't condone it! i just used to have a problem with anger management. i still have a bit of a temper & wild mood swings but nothing compared to when i was younger. i had estrogen fueled outbursts & i didn't know how to handle it any other way. my initial reaction to bad situations & confrontation was just to come out swinging.i got into 2 fist fights with my brother joseph's girfriend when she lived with us becos she stole my stuff & made up lies about me & turned my brothers against me--i had to kick her ass. it's not like i'm proud or think that i'm tough or whatever--it just happened. i have also been in a few barroom brawls.again-i'm not proud of this & i don't think i'm some sorta bad ass becos i've been in a few cat fights. when i was 22 i got into a fight with a girl at a bar. it was my fault. i slept with her boyfriend. but she attacked me so i was just defending myself. she got kicked outta the bar. i did not. i thought this was ancient history but joseph ran into this girl recently & i guess she still wants to fight me again! even tho this was 7 years ago! i'd think she'd be over it by now! i'm like "does she know i'm married now? does she wanna sleep with jamie? will that make her feel better?"joseph just told her i'd "kick her ass again"!!!! becos for some reason joseph is PROUD of the fact that i've been in physical fights! He BRAGS about how "TOUGH" i am!! another time this happened was when my boyfriend at the time had a crazy ex that stalked us. & joseph had warned her that i would "beat her ass" if she didn't leave us alone. so she kept harassing us & confronted us at a bar & i hit her in the face. her head went back like i punched her. she left but she still continued to follow us around but she kept her distance! she stalked us the entire time we were together...that reminds me of another story about this psycho girl that my younger brother joaquin was friends with (she was also my husbands psycho ex & she stalked us for awhile but more about that later...this was before jamie even knew her!)anyway--psycho girl came over & wanted to talk to joaquin one night. (i had no idea he didn't even wanna talk to her. she used to come over to try to con joaquin outta his medication cos she sells pills to people. he gave her a bottle of lithium so she'd go away) she wanted to drink some orange juice that was in the fridge & i told her it was mine. so she went & told joaquin she was gonna fight me cos i would let her have some of my orange juice! joaquin laughed & told her she'd get her ass kicked ! i mean come on! over orange juice! what a PSYCHO! my last act of violence (where i actually struck someone) was when my ex Tim & i had gotten back together. he kept going back & forth between me & his wife. he had filed for a divorce twice, he was fucking with my head & trying to fight with me all the time & i was getting sick of it. one night we got into an arguement & he told me to hit him cos he deserved it (& he did) so i did.he told me to hit him again so i did--even harder this time. later he swore that i punched him but i didn't! it did make me feel a lot better to do that & it probably made him feel better cos of all the guilt he felt about the whole thing. but what did it solve?? & so that brings us back to Pyscho Girl....after jamie & i got togther she stalked us becos she was mad that jamie had dumped her & she wouldn't get over it. she broke into his house & stole $500. she deserves to be punched in the face for that. & all the shit she talked about us & whatever. but i wrote zines about it-"Just Like A Gemini Too' & "Mrs. Noggle". i got over it by WRITING not PUNCHING. she still tries to cause trouble with joaquin cos they are not friends anymore. she is a horrible person & deserves to get her ass kicked for fucking with my family but i think karma will take of all that!! i believe in the saying "The Best Revenge is LIving Well." & i am happy,jamie is happy. my family is doing well...& there is nothing that she,tim or any other evil people that have tried to interfere with my life can do about it!!!!!

the introduction: Hello. i am jolie the drama. i had a very interesting summer. & now that it is fall i really wanna write about it. becos so much has changed in my life. so much that within 3 months i went from being depressed & lonely to happy & engaged!! i'm getting married in about a month! i am gonna marry my best friend Jamie. which is totally insane becos we weren't even speaking at the beginning of the year. & that is what this zine is about.... back in march i did a mini zine called Just Like A Gemini. i wrote a little about jamie but i didn't go into detail about it cos it was still a fresh wound. i wrote that zine at a time that was ONE of the worst times in my life. (not THE very worst but definitely close to being the worst.) & now i am the happiest i've ever been! so i felt the need to do a sequel to Just Like A Gemini which started out as another mini. but once i started writing i couldn't stop! so i decided to do it as a half sized zine instead of fourth sized. it is also an important zine cos it deals with being in a menatlly abusive relationship. me & jamie both know what that is like & we were lucky to escape with our sanity!!! the first issue was about alotta different stuff & i reprinted some things from an old zine. i had just started going to therapy so i also touched on that. & that week the subject of Jamie came up in my therapy session & i realized how much i missed him. & my therapist put all these ideas in my head about Jamie being possesive & jealous & manipulative in our friendship & i started to kinda blame him for the whole situation. (& i kinda do that in that zine.) but now i know it was all becos of the psycho girl he was dating at the time. ( whom i will refer to as MEDUSA.) basically she was jealous of me & my friendship with jamie so we stopped speaking becos of it.... BUT LET ME START FROM THE BEGINNING.... THE BEGINNING Once upon a time Jolie & Jamie were best friends & then an evil sociopath came along & tried to destroy it.....me & jamie became friends in january 2002. he was friends with my brother joseph first, but i started hanging out with him & his band. (The Street Freaks.) & i could tell that he kinda liked me. he had been in a four year relationship with a girl named Amy. but he wanted out...Amy hated me & even told me that she was jealous that me & jamie were friends. jamie also told me that she thought we were sleeping together. she ended up cheating on him cos she really thought that he was cheating with me. i wasn't even attracted to Jamie back then! & sometimes i thought he hung out with me just to make her mad. they broke up. I was afraid that Jamie would try to hook up with me & i didn't want to hurt his feelings. cos he started to hint about going out with me & Joseph told me that he liked me...so when he got with Judith i was so relieved! around this time my other brother Joaquin told me that his friend MEDUSA had a crush on jamie. she'd be at our house when me & jamie were hanging out & annoy the fuck outta us. i have NEVER EVER liked that girl! neither did jamie but we joked about jamie sleeping with her cos joaquin said that she was slutty. anyway--> Judith was a foreign exchange student from Germany. she had to go back for awhile but then she came back here to visit that winter & spent the holidays with Jamie. then she returned to Germany in december of 2002 & wasn't gonna come back to the U.S. until the following summer. so jamie spent ALOTTA time on the phone with her. i had a few boyfriends here & there...all of which jamie HATED & let it be known. cos he was admittingly jealous of them cos he was still nursing a crush on me. which i suspected but wasn't sure. i was hoping that i was imagining it. so me & jamie spent alotta time together--hanging out & going to to shows. & we became very close. cos we could always talk about everything. & we constantly made each other laugh & kept each other entertained! there were a few misunderstandings & there were a few times he hurt my feelings so i wouldn't come around for awhile. so that was something that we would NOT talk about & may have caused some problems. & i avoided ANY kinda confrontation with him. i would also aviod the topic of us being more than friends. cos i didn't want that.... i know he got lonely when Judith wasn't around. but he had ME to hang out with...& sometimes it was like WE were dating! cos we would go out to eat & go to shows & other shit that you do with a girl/boyfriend. there was just no sex. & that was probably the only thing missing! that was the fine line between "friendship" & "relationship"...but we never crossed that line. (Jamie tried several times! but i kept pushing him back over the line & telling him to get off of my side!) & that was something that i would avoid for years. i was never even affectionate with him. i'd hug my friend Len all the time. but it was different with Jamie cos i knew he had had feelings for me.& i wasn't even sure if they ever went away. so i was afraid to touch him or to even get physically "too close" to him. i only hugged him TWICE in 3 years of friendship. once when i went to an emo show by myself & him & kyle came & rescued me & i was so happy to see them i hugged both of them! then when i went to his house in june 2003 to see if we could hang out on my birthday. & he told me that judith was coming back that day so he couldn't. & i could tell that he felt bad about it & when i left he gave me a hug & wished me a "happy birthday." i was very surprised but it made me feel better! then for my birthday he bought me a case of beer & delivered it to me!! Judith came back & i made myself scarce cos i knew they'd need time to be alone together cos they hadn't seen each other for 6 months!!! i dunno how in the hell he even did it!--i could never handle a long distance relationship like that! BUT HE HAD HIS HEART SET ON IT. That summer they decided to get married so Judith could stay in the country. i started hanging out with matt a lot & staying at his house all the time cos jamie wasn't around very much. i missed him but tried to be understanding--he was a married man!! he still hung out with all of his friends...he just always wanted to go home early & not spend the night away from his wife. which is totally understandable! TIME WENT ON....2003 TURNED INTO 2004.... I was getting over a broken heart named BRANDON. & no matter what jamie was ALWAYS there to pick up the pieces. he was always there for me when i needed him. that always meant so much to me & that is why i considered him to be my best friend. In March 2004 i did the dumbest thing i have ever done--i got back together with my first love Tim. he was seperated from his wife & said he was getting a divorce. but ended up going back to his wife & leaving her for me TWICE. (he was INSANE! he also filed for divorce twice within 2 or 3 months cos he couldn't make up his mind.) i found out from TIM that Jamie & Judith were getting a divorce cos Judith wanted to go back to Germany. & i knew absolutely nothing about it! jamie didn't even tell me...i was a little hurt about that. but i figured that it was none of my business & if he wanted to tell me about it or talk about it he would....so i never brought it up. & Jamie had tried to stay of my business with Tim & he kept his mouth shut about it. but he was still there for me & listened when i bitched about it & even talked to me for 2 hours on the phone one night when i called him from Tim's house & was upset cos we broke up that night. he was a very good friend. the last time that me & tim got back together he had been hanging out at jamie's house & jamie told him to stay away from me & not to go over to my house. (so that is exactly what tim did!) at the time it kinda pissed me off! cos i thought: "Why doesn't jamie want me to be with Tim? does he still like me or something? what's his problem?! why is he so jealous of everyone i go out with? why doesn't he want me to be happy??" when in reality i'd never be happy with Tim & jamie knew that.(before i did) he was just looking out for me & trying to protect me. he just didn't want me to get hurt AGAIN. but i didn't see it that way at the time. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS SICK OF STANDING BY & WATCHING ME GET HURT OVER & OVER AGAIN BY FUCKING ASSHOLES. it probably really hurt him that i wouldn't give him a chance when he knew that he'd be good to me....but i knew it too & that's exactly what i was afraid of...as fucked up as it is. I WAS AFRAID to be happy. & i saw how good he was to his girlfriends & felt like i wouldn't deserve to be treated that way by anyone. so i didn't even think about it. plus i knew how disasterous my relationships were & knew i NEEDED jamie in my life & would never wanna loose him that way. it was stuck in my mind that no one could ever love me & i could never get along with anyone & have a good relationship...why would i subject anyone to that let alone my best friend. me & tim broke up for good on my 26th birthday. jamie showed up at my door with a rose as a gift. i thought it was very sweet & he had done it just to cheer me up. i never thought of it in a "romantic" way. it made me cry tho cos it made me realize how much he cared about me. & i knew as soon as judith was gone i would be uncomfortable with him & there would be all this tension cos he might try to hook up with me again. & he did start hinting around about it but i ignored it. i'd always changed the subject. i started seeing Brandon again to get over Tim. trying to start something with jamie would've been a very bad idea. it would've been extrememly bad timing too. cos i was getting over Tim & there was no way he was over Judith. he was still wearing his wedding ring & talking to her on the phone every night. he was very lonely. he even joined lotsa different websites like AdultFriendFinder & Myspace--supposedlly just to get laid! cos at that point he had only had 2 relationships in his whole life & didn't wanna just jump right into another relationship....but that's exactly what he did. cos he could not just have sex with someone & not develop some kinda feelings for them. (even if they're just pseudo feelings.) THIS IS WHERE MEDUSA COMES IN..... THE BACKSTORY looking back i think that jamie HAD to go thru this thing with Medusa. just like i had to go thru all the fuct up shit that i went thru with boys. i really do believe that everything happens for a reason. this was definitely a learning experience for jamie (& i have had plenty of LIFE LESSONS myself!) i'm sure he finally knows what it's like to date a pyscho that totally fucks you up. he now knows exactly what it was like for me when i was with tim. now we have another thing in comon...we've both been in relationships with mentally ill & unstable people that make you think you are crazy .... jamie is way too nice & can be so naive when it comes to giving people the benefit of the doubt. it's like he refuses to believe that there are evil people out there that like to fuck you over. i really think that he learned his lesson!! One day Medusa left a note in Jamie's mailbox. he brought it right over to my house & showed it to me. asking me what he should do....Joaquin told Medusa that Judith went back to Germany & that Jamie wanted to hook up & have sex with someone. (ANYONE!) & he said he'd do her cos joaquin said that she was a slut. & i totally encouraged him. so did joaquin. we never thought that he'd be fooled into thinking that he liked her! i didn't think he was that desperate! from the very begininng he had nothing but DOUBTS. & he was afraid to get involved with her cos she lived right across the street with her mom & if things went sour she was always right there... i kept my mouth shut even tho he'd ask for my opinion & advice. but i did warn him about what a liar she was & that she was a "female tim". meanwhile, Medusa's mom felt the need to warn her about ME. she told her to watch out becos jamie might fuck me. i had absolutley NO desire to fuck Jamie back then! & if i wanted to fuck Jamie i woulda done it a long time ago cos he always wanted me...but he was my friend! & i don't fucking fuck my fucking friends!!! he acted like he still wanted to give it another shot & try to hook up with me. he'd come over to my house or take me over to his house & tell me a little about Medusa but still hint about being with me. but when that didn't work he backed off & didn't come around for awhile. he knew i hated Medusa. i didn't wanna fucking hang out with her & i know that he knew that. eventually i did start to hang out with them & it sucked becos of her. & i'd just have to tolerate her. but i did it-- FOR JAMIE. On Halloween it was HER idea to go trick-or-treating & SHE invited me. she was the only one that didn't have fun. she moped around & pouted the whole time but me & jamie still managed to have a good time.. later that day she threw a tantrum cos me & jamie were going to a Halloween show in Dayton, Ohio. i heard her whining & crying in the bedroom & i was like "Oh my God! What the Fuck??" i thought we were never gonna get outta there but we finally escaped! even tho she had tried to make jamie feel sorry for her so he'd stay & not go to the show with me....it didn't work. he bitched about her all the way there! i never heard him bitch about anyone as much as he bitched about her!! he totally vented & i could tell that it made him feel sooo much better! but i didn't say anything about her. i just listened & laughed. he finally admitted that he didn't even wanna be with her. he was just lonely. but he was afraid of what would happen if they broke up cos she'd still be right across the street. & at this point he thought it was too late cos she had already moved in with him. so we went to the show & had a great fucking time. we stayed at Matt's house that night. (MONTHS later Matt told me that that night Jamie confessed to him that he was in love with me.) eventually i stopped going to Jamie's house. cos Medusa made it so uncomfortable (for everyone. not just me) & she'd always start a fight with Jamie. they'd fight everyday. cos she always had to start drama about everyfuckingthing. & i had to hear all about it becos jamie would come right over to my house & tell me all about it. i got sick & tired of pretending to get along with her. & it pissed me off that she fucked with jamie so much & treated him like shit. but i felt like i couldn't say anything about it. & why should i pretend to like someone when i know damn well that she didn't like me either?? FUCK THAT! just like tim: her favorite thing to do was try to find something about someone that they were insecure about & pick on them for it. she tried to make people feel bad to make herself feel better. & i know becos that's exactly how Tim was. an example: she liked to pick on Jamie's friend ryan's girlfriend kristen & say she has "small boobs". & she'd "joke" about it all night. but i tried to keep the peace for jamie's sake--i just couldn't do it anymore. not even for jamie. i didn't wanna loose him as a friend but i did anyway. in november & december is when it started to get real bad. it was always fucking bad, it just got worse. Jamie would come over weekly to rant & rave about Medusa & how he had to get away from her. & one night he called & was so close to dumping her. & i finally spoke up & said, "DO IT." but he chickened out. i'll never know why he felt so obligated to stay with her. but i do know that i have been in that situation before too....we just dunno how to end relationships. Jamie stopped coming around so much. & i suspected it was becos of her. she'd always get pissed when me & jamie were reminiscing & she didn't know what we were talkng about. she got irritated by our inside jokes & didn't like it when Jamie had fun with me. i really don't think she liked it when Jamie was happy & had fun cos she was unhappy & wanted him to be as miserable as her. (another simaillar tim trait!!) i was talking to Matt on the phone a lot cos we liked to gossip all the time! this is when matt told me that jamie told him that he was in love with me...i wrote about that on Livejournal which really bit me in the ass later! Matt also told me that jamie told him he wasn't "allowed" to hang out with me. cos medusa was jealous of me. i called jamie & asked him about it. of course he denied it but i knew it was true. One night in January i had gone over to Jamie's house becos Len was there. i really wanted to see him cos i hadn't seen him for months . so i got there just in time to see Medusa storm out like a big fucking crybaby. i wonder if she had already read my livejournal but was still plotting about what to do about it & i think her friends put ideas into her head that made her believe she should watch out for me cos i was best friends with her boyfriend. they totally encourage her insanity....plus she was mad at jamie for telling me a bunch of shit about their relationship & she was also pissed cos everything she said about me got back to me cos JAMIE told me. Jamie got accused of "running his mouth"...but she's the one that was running her mouth--she shouldn't talk shit about people if she didn't want them to find out. (when i talk shit about people it's cos i want it to get back to them!!!) anyhoo--i wrote about that on Livejournal as well which came back to haunt me a few weeks later...... In February--i spent the weekend at Matt's house cos his band Solaroid had a show. i had the best time only to come home to fucking drama. monday morning i got a phonecall from medusa... her story changes too! first she says that i sent it to her & it was in her mailbox. then she says she found a yellow envelope saved on the computer & then she told Matt that i wrote a letter & saved it on the computer. she couldn't even keep her story straight!!!! later that day the phone rang. i knew it'd be jamie. i was dreading it all day cos i knew it was coming. he was asking me a bunch of questions that he was instructed to ask me. i heard Medusa bitching in the background. the whole thing was fucking stupid...I go : "i don't even know why i'm explaining myself. this is stupid." i remember jamie saying " i dunno either." later i was told that he didn't even wanna make that phone call. but back then i really thought that jamie cared about what i had written on Livejournal. but as it turns out Medusa was the only one that cared. she made jamie make that call. but at the time i really thought that jamie was mad at me. cos i could tell by his voice that he was upset. he said "i'm not gonna be around for awhile." & his voice was shaking. (i thought it was cos he was pissed.) i just said,"OK." & we said "goodbye." jamie later told me that right after he hung up the phone he started crying cos he was upset that we couldn't hang out anymore. which totally enraged Medusa. cos she couldn't control his feelings & emotions. she tried so hard to control & manipulate him & make him stop being friends with me. how can someone like that ever be happy??? i mean--you spend so much time & put so much energy into trying to control someone it must be very frustrating when you realize you will never have complete control over them.... but jamie never stopped caring about me.i really thought he did. i didn't cry about it. i was upset. & it did fucking hurt--real bad. but i have been hurt so much by so many people that i can just block it out & not feel it. (just bury it deep...until it comes out in therapy...) it broke my heart to hear that Jamie was that hurt over it. especially since i really thought that he didn't care at all. cos i thought that Medusa had poisoned his mind so much that she finally convinced him that i was evil or some shit. when SHE was the EVIL ONE. i found out so much shit about the fucked-up-ness of that whole relationship. (not only from Jamie after they broke up but also from both of my brothers cos they were still in contact with jamie during this time.) & it was way worse that i ever thought. she actually had jamie convinced that he was a bad person & that he was the one that was crazy!!! & that he was treating her like shit & controlling her when she was the one that was doing it. & of course i can totally relate to that since that was also how tim made me feel. she was worse than tim tho!! she told jamie he was crazy all the time & made him go to a neurologist to find out what was "wrong" with him. & said to him "even if we do break up. i still want you to go get help,ok?" WHAT THE FUCK???!! somehow Medusa had made herself belieive that all their problems were MY fault! even tho i was no longer in the picture. I WENT ON WITH MY LIFE. i was ok. as ok as i could be without my best friend. (& no one to talk to...atleast no one to talk to like i talked to Jamie...) i got lonely but i filled the void with makeout sessions with boys & hanging out at shows with whoever wanted to hang out with me!!! i had a crush on a boy named dez & he took up alotta my time. i made an entry on LJ about Medusa & i guess she read it.... A few nights later i got a call. it was Medusa. she just called to tell me "Jamie chose me over her." (even tho i hadn't been around at all) I just hung up! then i called joaquin to tell him about it. he called jamie & then called me back to inform me that Jamie finally broke up with Medusa. i was so relieved!--it was finally over & we could be friends again!!! joaquin told me that i should call jamie but i was still too hurt. i wish i wouldn't have been so stubborn. cos they got back together the next day & jamie told me later that if i woulda called him he wouldn't have gotten back with her & the next few months of torture coulda totally been avoided. it's so dumb cos the first thing Medusa asked him was "did you talk to Jolie?" & becos he didn't he got sucked right back in....outta pity. & that's all she cared about...to her the whole thing was about ME & keeping jamie away from me...& i really don't get that at all. it doesn't make any fucking sense-- she is just fucked up. & she totally fucked jamie up. i asked him about this yesterday--i asked him why she felt the need to call me & tell me they broke up & why she insisted that it was all my fault. & i wasn't even around. i'm like "i didn't know i had so much power!" he told me they got into a fight & as usual my name came up & she got mad cos Jamie told her "I'm not gonna NOT talk to Jolie for forever." & she blew up & threw a fit cos she knew she didn't have control....& she couldn't make jamie not wanna be friends with me. i wrote about that phonecall on livejournal & myspace & Medusa got pissed cos she knew it was TRUE. so she made jamie send me a message telling me that i "didn't win." i only read it once,showed it to matt, & then deleted it. after me & matt had been so happy that jamie finally escaped from Medusa & her head of snakes.....we were so disappointed to hear that she had turned him to stone again....later i was told that jamie was scolded for not being "mean enough" in the email. i was at matt's house when we found out that they got back together. cos jamie had called matt & medusa made him ask matt if he hated her (which natuarlly he did. cos EVERYBODY does!) she had read about that on LJ & she made jamie ask matt if he told me that jamie liked me. In march i started going to therapy & i also did the Just Like a Gemini mini zine. in April, my brother joseph got outta jail & was staying at jamie's house & got to witness first hand how horrible jamie's life with Medusa was....examples of this hell include her "migraines" just to get drugs. she would fake migraines so jamie would take her to the hospital to get painkillers. (even tho he had to go to work the next & they would be at the hospital all night.) & her crazy delusions about ME. they continued & she seemed to think that i was trying to break her & jamie up even tho i hadn't seen or spoken to jamie for 2 or 3 months. she still obsessively read my livejournal & threw a bunch of my stuff away that was at jamie's apartment(except for the things he HID! it's pretty fuct up when you gotta hide stuff from someone cos they are insane & will flip out) & she also tore up photos of me.....real mature! JUST BECOS YOU GET RID OF EVIDENCE OF A PERSON IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY NO LONGER EXIST. MAYBE IN MEDUSA'S LITTLE WORLD....but jamie says he thought about me everyday & he'd never forgot about me cos i was always the most important thing in his life. Medusa had been cutting herself & threatening to kill herself & being all psycho & tried to make jamie think it was all his fault. but jamie stopped caring & he didn't care at all anymore so medusa had to take drastic measures to get attention & make jamie feel bad. i guess she was running outta ideas & getting desperate. it's really sad & pathetic that medusa did all this shit & she should feel humiliated & ashamed of herself for what she did to jamie. but i really think that she is a sociopath & has no conscience & feels no guilt for anything she does. she probably never feels anything. (except pity for herself.) i wrote about the cutting incident on LJ but didn't care if she read it. i actually didn't think she was still reading it but she was....& i figured i'd never be friends with jamie ever again anyway. so i didn't give a fuck if either of them got pissed about it. jamie didn't get mad but later he said that he knew i did it on purpose just in case Medusa saw it! (he knows me too well!) & then Medusa made his life even more of a living hell becos of it. becos he told joseph about it. but she only did that to get to jamie & she found out that jamie had had enough & wanted OUT. THE REUNION for some reason Medusa wanted to get her own apartment. so jamie did everything he could to help her move & get her OUT. cos he knew it was his only escape. so he helped her move & then broke up with her. he started hanging out with my brothers & i did everything to avoid him cos i was still hurt about everything. but i kept seeing him everywhere! the first sign that he had finally made his escape was when i saw him going to the laundrymat to do his laundry. then a few days later i just happened to look out the window as he drove by. & before that i was at joaquin's apt. alone & he called. i saw his number on the caller ID & just thought it was Medusa calling joaquin. those sightings made me very sad & i got extremely depressed. i started to miss him cos i kept seeing him.plus his birthday was that week so i was thinking about him. i still wasn't even sure if him & medusa had broken up. & i was afraid to ask anyone cos i didn't wanna get my hopes up. especially if he didn't wanna be friends with me again. so i had convinced everyone (including myself) that i didn't wanna be his friend anymore. i didn't wanna get caught CARING! then i was at joaquin's house on jamie's birthday & he happened to call when i was there. joaquin kept asking me if i wanted to talk to jamie & i was stubborn & said "NO." i guess that inspired him to write me a letter. the next day he came over but i refused to talk to him. then i found the letter that he left for me. ----i read it. & i totally bawled my eyes out. (it still makes me tear up when i think about that moment!) in the midst of all that joseph & jamie showed up but i still wasn't ready to talk to him so i hid in my room. either that day or the day before joseph had invited me to drink fortys with him & jamie. but brandon was supposed to come over so i used that as an excuse. jamie had also spent the night with joaquin & all he did was whine about me!! so then i finally decided to write to jamie on myspace.... he showed up at my door that night. i was so happy to see him!! but i still didn't hug him until he asked me for a hug! we spent everyday that week together. we had so much fun!!! & we have been inseperable since then. at first everything was back to normal. but he started to wanna hang out with me all day everyday & even wanted me to stay until 1 or 2 in the morning when he had to be up at 5 to go to work!! he just did not want me to leave! so i knew that he still had feelings for me & being apart for so long made him fall in love with me even more. & then he wrote me a love letter. the next day i avoided him for most of the day becos i didn't wanna break his heart. i just didn't know what i was gonna say to him...eventually i answered the door when he came over. i broke it to him gently...later when i asked him about that moment he said he almost cried. (ouch.) but i really didn't want that at the time. i just wanted my best friend back. jamie got me roses for my birthday again. my "birthday party" was nothing like planned. it was me,joaquin,jamie, ryan & kristen. joaquin left really early. then ryan & kristen went to bed.i really dunno what happened with me & jamie!!!! i just rememer sitting there & he was way at the other end of the couch. & i just remember looking at him & wondering why i couldn't feel the same way about him that he felt about me. he had given me a tattoo on my leg earlier that day & that was the most he had ever touched me!! & he kept getting closer & closer to me on the couch & by the end of the night he was sitting right beside me & he kinda had his hand on my leg....& i wasn't hating it! so when we were finally alone he asked me "am i making you uncomfortable?" i said, "no. if you were i'd leave." i don't really remember most of the conversation--we were kinda drunk. i told him that il oved him too & i could tell that it made him incredibly happy. i wanted to cuddle with him so i put my arms around him & i could feel him shake cos he was so happy. cos that's all he ever wanted. ME TOO. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT UNTIL THEN. he had tried to write me another letter at work but didn't finish it....he gave it to me anyway. WE MADE OUT THE REST OF THE NIGHT!!!! the next day i did feel kinda weird about it just cos it was NEW. & i was scared about the whole thing. i was afraid things would get fucked up & we'd never be able to be friends ever again. & i knew as soon as medusa found out all hell would break loose...& it did. then she tried to make people feel sorry for her & say that i wanted to go out with jamie the whole time which is completely untrue. & she could also play the victim & say that i broke them up which is also false. & of course the story would always change depending on who she was talking to. as soon as i told joaquin about me & jamie he went & told medusa. her worst fear had come true. & she helped create it! the whole time she was with jamie all she cared about was jamie being in love with me & that one day i'd realize i loved him too & then we'd be together & we'd be happy. & it finally came true becos she made it come true! She kept us apart for so long that it made us even closer! i spent so much time being upset or worried about jamie's girlfriends being jealous or not liking me or wanting me around jamie just cos i was a girl--there was a simple solution the whole time! I SHOULDA BEEN WITH JAMIE!! i never knew but he knew it the whole time..... Medusa also didn't want anyone to know what really happened with her & jamie. & all the lies & stories she had to make up to try to keep him....all the shit she put him thru & all her lies & delusions about me & jamie's friendship, her jealousy & insecurities & fits of rage. not to mention the fact that jamie never even wanted her cos he was in love with me. & he spent 3/4 of the "relationship" trying to get OUT. & she knew she'd get caught in all her LIES. she made up all these stories about being raped to get jamie to feel sorry for her. & she realized that would come back to her (& when it did she acted like it wasn't even her fault. it was joaquin's fault for telling us that she was lying.) she even went so low as to tell jamie's sister-in-law that he hit her. when she was the abusive one & trashed his stuff when she would have a temper tantrum. she wanted people to think that she broke up with him cos he was "violent". she was the only person to have this alleged problem with jamie. before we got together she coulda said that i just didn't know how jamie was &/or didn't know that side of him becos we never dated--but i do know him now & he is nothing like how she portrays him. cos he treats me like a fucking QUEEN. he has never treated me bad or talked shit about me or abused me in any way. he doesn't have a violent bone in his body. she's just a fucking liar & she knows it. & THE TRUTH FINALLY CAME OUT. she still wanted to be with jamie. she can deny it all she wants to. but there were absolutely no problems until she found out we were a couple. i think she thought they were still together or that they were gonna get back together or maybe she was just in denial that he dumped her ass. cos she was still hanging around. & when they broke up it took her by surprise & she even asked jamie if they could still have sex! she kept coming over to use his phone & kept bothering him. & she tried to make jamie feel bad for hanging out with me & not her. "you spend all yer time with Jolie. why can't you make a little time to spend with me? wah wah." one day someone broke into jamie's house & stole his lock box. it contained $500 & his $250 wedding ring. Medusa was the #1 suspect & the cops even fingerprinted her. that day she came over & told jamie that she wanted him to come over that sunday & "talk" cos she needed "closure." but me & jamie ended up getting together that weekend...HOW'S THAT FOR CLOSURE??? Medusa called & left 6 or 7 psycho messages on jamie's answering machine as soon as she found out that we were together. &THEN THE STALKING BEGAN.... THE STALKING i am gonna try to keep this SHORT. & give the capsulized & condensed version of the story. just becos i don't wanna re-live this whole thing when it is finally over. so i guess Medusa had declared a WAR. & surprisingly she has a few friends so she recruited them for her PSYCHO CLUB. (i will refer to them as "Stupid Girl" & "Dumb Girl" becos they believe everything she tells them & they do anything she tells them to do.) I'm sure Medusa made up lotsa stories about how evil me & jamie are but i guess it just wasn't enough. one day they saw us walking to the liquor store. stupid girl (who i didn't even know. & i still don't really) yelled "Hi Jamie" & she did that every time she saw us...i'm not sure why. i think it was part of some sorta scheme that will come up later... & i think seeing me & jamie together that day is the first thing that set Medusa off. that & the fact that i was writing about how happy i was to be with Jamie on Livejournal & Myspace. i guess medusa didn't like that. & she seemed to think that we were putting on a show just for her! & we were only together to make her mad--like our lives revolved around HER or something! i dunno what made her think that..i guess it's cos she's mentally ill. but i guess Medusa wrote a blog about it on Myspace. i never did read the whole thing cos it was just a bunch of stupid lies. jamie read it tho & it pissed him off so he wrote a blog about it. he was the one that told me about it. she said all this shit about us being alcoholics & that jamie "likes it up the ass." & whatever. i dunno why she felt the need to write about that or why she was so concerned about our sex life. we get off just fine. & all i really gotta say about that is that he's never asked me to put anything up there!--i guess he doesn't need me to... she also seems to think that i'm a dominatrix! i dunno where that came from. (i like spanking & hairpulling & i guess she thinks that = domination.) she's not very smart. anyhoo--i did start writing shit about her again but it was cos she wrote about us. it wasn't to get "revenge" or anything. i'm sure that's what she thought.... but as i always did, i was just writing about my day! THEN!--here's where it gets CRAZY!! she had StupidGirl join Myspace & Livejournal just to get to me!!!! she sent me these messages about how she wanted to be "FRIENDS" with me & jamie. (which is why she'd always wave at him i suppose.) it was so obvious that this was Medusa's idea & she made her do it. i was nice about it at first. i told stupid girl how it REALLY was....& i didn't know stupid girl very well & i knew she was under Medusa's command. so everything was cool for awhile. But medusa wasn't having that!! she wanted her "WAR." so this is when i started getting emails that were from Stupid Girl's address & they were inviting me to join some website. but to do that i had to fill out all this shit & give personal information. Fuck That! they were trying to get me to give out personal info so they could get my password but i wasn' falling for that!! i didn't even think much of it at the time. i just knew it was fucking annoying. so i sent a reply to one of those emails asking them why they were so obsessed with me. they didn't like that! so to them the battle was on... this is when Medusa broke into jamie's email & myspace account. & it occured to me that they were trying to get into my account as well. most of this was medusa's doing. StupidGirl claims to have no involvement & acts like she's totally innocent. but she wasn't. we even thought that maybe medusa broke into StupidGirls account too cos we knew just by how it was written that she was the one that replied to my email. jamie had been having problems with his email all week. one morning i tried to log into myspace & couldn't cos it was locked "due to excessive failed login attempts". so of course i was suspicious! especially becos jamie couldn't even login to his myspace account at all. after a little Nancy Drew detective work we discoverd that his password had been changed. she didn't even do anything to his account! she wasn't clever enough to send messages to people pretending to be jamie or to delete his account or something. she just wanted access to it so she could keep tabs on him!! that's fucking CRAZY!!!cuckoo!!! so jamie sent her a little message.during all this we had been getting phone calls at 4 & 5 in the morning. (one timeit was 11 times in a row.) & we figured it was Medusa cos she lost her mind even more becos she kept seeing together everywhere. & we ignored her! we never said anything to her. we acted like we didn't see her. but that made her go totally off the deep end. her & DumbGirl (the only time dumbgirl had been involved in this whole thing) put a vibrator in our mailbox. i dunno what the point of this was. (i have my own & that is her only boyfriend now. why would she just ditch him like that?!) i only got pissed becos it made jamie mad. cos he put up with her stupid shit enough when they were together. they weren't together anymore so he didn't HAVE to put up with it. but she was still trying to get to him. it was so annoying. i did retaliate a little but not to the extent of her dumb little stunts...i posted a bulletin on Myspace about the vibrator incident so i know she got some hate mail for that. (which she totally deserved.) & i put up a photo of her with a pig nose cos it was really fucking funny cos she looked just like a pig!!! but i took all that shit down cos the drama stopped for a minute. but then she got this other kid she knew to send me a message on myspace but i didn't even bother to read it. cos i knew he was her LAST friend. she ran outta friends to recruit. so i knew it'd be over after that cos she had no one else. StupidGirl was already pissed & saying i was the one that was crazy....it was her own fault for being friends with medusa & she got involved in Medusa's stupid shit voluntarily. she shoulda kept her nose out of it. but yeah--that's the jist of it. medusa finally gave up when she realized she was fighting a losing battle. maybe it's cos she knows we are getting married & there's not a goddamn thing she can do about it...so that's my story. AND JOLIE AND JAMIE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.... the end. the outroduction: i wasn't even sure if i should do this zine. cos i figured there would be "retaliation" becos i am writing about it again. but i am a writer! that's what i do.... & even tho i'm not using names--The Psycho Club knows who they are. so i thought they might get pissed & go all pyscho again & try to get "even" with me for writing about what they did & all the shit they put me & jamie thru. it's been over for so long & i'm so happy that we got thru it & i don't have to deal with it anymore. i'm not trying to restart it cos we're finally being left alone. & none of that shit matters anymore....now it's just zine material. & i realize that i probably come off being arrogant & self-centered, (or so i'm told) especially when dealing with The Psycho Club. but that's just how ya gotta deal with those people....but it's becos i know the truth about everything. i've never made up stories about anyone. everything i write is nonfiction. all this stuff really happened. & i sound vain when i write about jamie becos i know how jamie feels about me. i write about how much he loves me & always has cos i feel so lucky to have him. he's a sure thing--he's the one & only person i've ever cared about & loved this much. & the only thing in my life that i'm actually secure & confident in & nothing is ever gonna change that. cos we're so much alike. & we were meant for each other. i am just like a gemini. & he is just like a gemini too.