Jaded Roxx Bytch's blog: "12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship"

Ever since
I laid eyes on you,
I knew for a fact 
This was a dream come true.

Everything my heart desires, 
In one single go,
Fell into my lap,
Made my love grow.

I know now
My life is complete.
No more struggles
Or battles to compete.

Now I see 
My future at last.
Up the life ladder we go,
Together it's a blast.

You showed me 
The true meaning of love,
My guardian angel,
Sent from above.

The heart is an organ
We cannot live without,
But I give you my heart, 
In trust, without a doubt.

For years to come
We will become stronger
Together, hand in hand
And forever longer.

I love you
With all my heart and soul.
You met me broken
And made me whole.

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

 

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

 

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

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How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

 Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

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Battered and Abused Men:

 Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

 

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

 

 

Characteristics of Abusive Men

ControlControl is the "overarching behavioural characteristic" of abusive men, achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel). The need to control may deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school).
 

 EntitlementEntitlement is the "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and may justify violence as self-defence.
   

Selfishness & Self-centrednessAn expectation of being the centre of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.
 

 SuperiorityContempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.
 

 PossessivenessSeeing a woman and his children a

An abuser is typically: 1. Charming. This person quickly smothers the other with gifts and praise. He/she immediately pushes for an exclusive relationship using phrases such as “I can’t live without you” or “I’ll kill myself if you leave.” A clear indication something is wrong. 2. Jealous. He/she views others as a threat to the relationship and relentlessly accuses you of flirting. “I know you are having an affair.” The irony is that the abuser is usually the cheater. 3. Manipulative. Abuse and manipulation go hand-in-hand. This person easily detects vulnerability in others and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle and demean the victim. “You are weak and ugly; no wonder you were abused as a kid.” 4. Controlling. Constant checking on the whereabouts of the victim is a common trait for the abuser. “I check the mileage on your car. So don’t lie to me.” A male controller often refuses to let his girlfriend have a job, she might “meet someone.” 5. A Victim. An abuser doesn’t take any responsibility for his/ her poor choices. They are never at fault. When she loses her job, or he gets into a fight, someone else is to blame. “You make me hit you” or “I drink because you stress me out.” 6. Narcissistic. The whole world revolves around the abuser and his/her needs. This person is invigorated by the fact that the victims “walks on eggshells” and live in fear of the next outburst. 7. Inconsistent. Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he/she is happy and sweet, the next they are pounding a fist or throwing a tantrum. 8. Critical. Verbally assaulting others is a way of life for the abuser. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can’t ever leave me; no other man would have you” or “Ha! You call yourself a man. You are nothing but a mama’s boy.” 9. Disconnected. Isolation from family and friends is a key goal for the abuser because it forces the victim into total submission. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.” 10. Hypersensitive. The slightest offense sends the abuser ranting. Everyone is out to “get him/her.” “My boss had it in for me; I bend over backwards on my job but I still got fired.” 11. Vicious and cruel. A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Intimidation and inflicting pain fuels his/her power. “If I can’t have you, no one will” or “I just pretended to love you so that you would sleep with me.” 12. Insincerely repentant. He/she will swear to never “behave like that again.” But unless an abuser receives professional help and solid accountability it’s unlikely the abuse will disappear. After marriage these behaviors typically escalate, therefore it’s crucial to recognize the warning signs now. Tell someone you can trust, and get help. And don’t believe the lie that it’s not abuse until he/she hits you. When an abuser loses control they often react with rage and the abuse intensifies. Therefore, make a plan before breaking off the relationship. Contact a counselor or local domestic abuse hotline and/or safe house in your community.