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Not really sure how to start this but I struggle everyday with my self and self worth. Probably due to the experiences of my past and the things that have happened. For the longest time I was angry, hurt, wouldnt really let anyone get to close. It wasnt til about a year ago that I let that all go. It has been a very slow process and well I have learned alot. I feel that I have moved past all of that and I can love and be loved, trust and be trusted etc.
The issue that I cannot shake is that I am unworthy of happiness, unworthy of love and unworthy of an amazing partner(which I have). This is a struggle that is so overbearing on me at times. I find myself over analizing and thinking so much that I find myself not knowing if I should even trust my own feelings or thoughts or that maybe I am ignoring the wrong things. etc....
I find myself trying to think of ways and things I can do to better myself to be worthy. The other day while dealing with all these negative elements left by that devil on my shoulder. I realize that if I wasnt worthy enough then I wouldnt have what I do have and well the only thing I should be worried about is am I happy with myself? Yes I have changed over the years and Im not the thin young sexy beast I used to be. Im not full of the energy and I have aches, pains, etc. But I am happy with myself as a person.
I am happy that I do not lie, cheat, steal, I give my all to all that is important to me. I love my family and bf and would do anything in my power for them. I will always be open and honest with my mate and never hide anything from him. I will do my best to be the best me that I can be. I will always give or help others when I can.
I know these things and am very proud of the me that I have become. I know that it is probably due to my past that I am who I am. Now with all of that being said I still find my moments where the doubt is overwhelming, the fears are just to real and controling my way of thinking and feeliing is way to hard.
I dont want attention, sympathy, empathy, encouragement, or anything else, Just venting and hoping that all these emotions will just kind of check themselves. Unless you are someone with a magic potion that will just make all this clear and better.... I just dont want my doubts and fears to be real nor do I want them to ruin the future. Nor do I want my insecurities to determine who I am. Confused and struggling.....
I love the fact that there will never ever be any other Master in my life and that our life and devotion is forever.
I love the fact that I have the most amazing Master in the world that is perfect for me.
I love the fact that we are totally devoted to one another, open, honest, and that I will never ever have to worry that it will be anything but that.
I love the fact that I am his and only his.
I love the fact that he controls every aspect of my life.
I love the fact that he always stands beside me and supports me when I do have a decision to make on my own.
I love the fact that I have the one person that I never thought I would find.
I love the fact that all of our kinks and pervs we share and that I can always trust him with my entire being totally.
I love the fact that we can tell each other anything and everything with out fear of judgement.(though my shy side likes to fuck with me)
I love the fact that his eyes are so beautiful!
I love the fact that just laying my head on his chest and listening to his heart is sometimes all I need.
I love the fact that I have never been more content with my life and he makes my twitter pate.....
I love him so much!
Something that's been on my mind lately and well I just got to get it off my chest. Its very unsettling to me how people can just cheat(texting, sexting, meeting, fucking, sucking..anything that is done without the consent or knowledge of your partner. Just to be clear) without remorse. Now I can see not settling if your not really involved on a serious level, but if you have married or committed to someone that is sacred. What makes it even more disturbing is to hear someone brag/talk about the act as if it where nothing and that it doesn't bother them if the other person is cheating on their partner.
Ive been hurt before and even at one time I hurt someone else not thinking of anyone but myself, which was wrong and horrible. So the Karma I got was exactly what I deserved I suppose. Hind sight as they say is 20/20.
So today I'm at work and my mind is going through its usually babble. All the things Ive been through the past 5-10 years or so isn't all karma and wow how did I get through all of that. It hit me like a ton a bricks! I had to endure all those things so that I wouldn't take another day for granted. I had to truly appreciate and value the amazing people that I have in my life. I concluded that if I had slid right by without learning all those lessons that I would have probably ruined the amazing life I have with my Master now and lost my love.
So cheers to 2014, It has been an amazing year! I'm so looking forward to this coming year and a new outlook on our beautiful future together! I am so thankful to have found my Master, my love, my soul-mate, and my best friend! I look forward to many more wonderful years together!
Cheers to all! May your life be filled with lots of love, joy, and peace!
