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Not really sure how to start this but I struggle everyday with my self and self worth. Probably due to the experiences of my past and the things that have happened. For the longest time I was angry, hurt, wouldnt really let anyone get to close. It wasnt til about a year ago that I let that all go. It has been a very slow process and well I have learned alot. I feel that I have moved past all of that and I can love and be loved, trust and be trusted etc.
The issue that I cannot shake is that I am unworthy of happiness, unworthy of love and unworthy of an amazing partner(which I have). This is a struggle that is so overbearing on me at times. I find myself over analizing and thinking so much that I find myself not knowing if I should even trust my own feelings or thoughts or that maybe I am ignoring the wrong things. etc....
I find myself trying to think of ways and things I can do to better myself to be worthy. The other day while dealing with all these negative elements left by that devil on my shoulder. I realize that if I wasnt worthy enough then I wouldnt have what I do have and well the only thing I should be worried about is am I happy with myself? Yes I have changed over the years and Im not the thin young sexy beast I used to be. Im not full of the energy and I have aches, pains, etc. But I am happy with myself as a person.
I am happy that I do not lie, cheat, steal, I give my all to all that is important to me. I love my family and bf and would do anything in my power for them. I will always be open and honest with my mate and never hide anything from him. I will do my best to be the best me that I can be. I will always give or help others when I can.
I know these things and am very proud of the me that I have become. I know that it is probably due to my past that I am who I am. Now with all of that being said I still find my moments where the doubt is overwhelming, the fears are just to real and controling my way of thinking and feeliing is way to hard.
I dont want attention, sympathy, empathy, encouragement, or anything else, Just venting and hoping that all these emotions will just kind of check themselves. Unless you are someone with a magic potion that will just make all this clear and better.... I just dont want my doubts and fears to be real nor do I want them to ruin the future. Nor do I want my insecurities to determine who I am. Confused and struggling.....
