Lo's blog: "Goddess"

created on 03/06/2008 | http://fubar.com/goddess/b195373

posted on 12/04/2011&nbs-08:00;@&nbs-08:00;09:12&nbs-08:00;am

Thankful
http://fubar.com/thankful/b195373-1165419

I love this time of year because people stop bitching about thier lives and share what they are thankful for.
Some more so then others, regardless it is nice to get a break from football banter and running stats.

I am thankful that I have a job to go to each and every day. I am aware that many do not, and no matter how much paper work I have to file, or booboo's I have to fetch ice for. I love my job, and I am thankful of it.

I am thankful that despite Dawn wanting to puke at the smell of Turkey, she bought and prepared an entire Thanksgiving meal for my children and I. I am thankful that despite my snores, she snuggled me the night before and that Jesse was there to drive me home when I heard of my old mans passing. I am thankful Dawn, that once upon a million years ago, you stepped in when a hell of alot of people stepped out.
I am thankful that I got to feel my baby wriggle in your tummy. I love him already.

I am thankful for Brandee and Mandy, who never let me wallow in despair. Friends who will allow me to cry, but will catch me before I fall to my knees. Without you, I would have curled into a fluffy ball a million years ago and become addicted to depression medication. I am more then thankful for you.
Thank you for always being there. For laughter and misery. Thank you for allowing me to sing "Gangsta Lean, This is for your memory" at the top of my lungs in your backyard for Grampa.

I am thankful that my sister still answers my phone calls, and despite her busy schedule, she will brew a pot of coffee and we will squish in conversation and laughter. Thank you sister. I am thankful that despite the fact that texting would be more convienient....you still give me that time.

Facebook is a wonderful tool, but it can never replace a cup of coffee and conversation.

I am thankful that I have a home that provides for my children.

I am thankful that I work with amazing quirky people, whom I enjoy each and every day.

I am thankful for every single "I love you Miss.Beanie" That I hear every day.

I am thankful that I have the ability to appear strong for my children, even when sometimes I am weak.

But more then anything, I am thankful for where my life decisions have brought me so far. Life is messy, it is chaotic and crazy and sometimes you have to blink through the tears and wonder, what the fuck am I doing???!!!....And then Your daughter does the wiggle dance, or your son, who is a giant, makes you belly laugh and you are AMAZED at what Fantastic children you squished out of your body...and I am thankful for those two things, more then anything else.

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posted on 12/04/2011&nbs-08:00;@&nbs-08:00;09:12&nbs-08:00;am

The BEST part....
http://fubar.com/the-best-part/b195373-1165418

The BEST part of my job is a tie between the crazy, weird, strange children....and the teachers.

I have alot to do in a day, but I love it when I can squeeze in a circle time, or listening to Mrs. Maria sing a mexican song to the children....(I always sing it wrong, but the toddlers still rock back and forth because the tune is the same.)

"Kay saree Kar sarah
laadee laadee laadee daaaaa
peter pan
peter queso
laadee laadeee laddeee daaaaaaaaa
beso beso beso!"

This is my interpretation. I dunno...the teachers laugh at me.

I love walking like a gorilla into the Pre-K room while the children are sitting quietly for Mrs. Brandee. I make them all giggle and she stares at me sternly.

I love it when Rob makes us coffee, and tells me he saved me a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy because he loves me.

I love that when our staff room light went out, instead of complaining while we waited a week for maintenance, Rob and Tabitha still went in there for their break. They claimed it Intimate and I downloaded a candle app for them to use.

I love putting on my Beast costume, and bursting into the two's room RAWRing and chasing them around.

I love it when the teachers sling me down the hallway in Dawns roll-ey chair.

I love how excited everyone is about their secret santa. I love guessing who everyone has.

I love that Kingston LOVED my fuzzy, but then got mad at me for making him sit in the office, so he told me my fuzzy was the worst fuzzy ever.

I love that I chased him around with said fuzzy and told him that I was ganna rub it on his skin and make his skin look JUST like my fuzzy.

I love that he believed me.

(sorry Monica)

I love that even when things go wrong, and a child has an allergic reaction and I have to call 911, I know that despite us being silly sometimes, our staff is the BEST, and can handle any situation that comes along. (Including an allergic reaction that starts on a childs butt.)

All in all, it is Friday and I am happy. I just KNOW my secret santa is ganna bring me something!!!

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posted on 08/19/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;03:08&nbs-07:00;am

The lost art of love letters...Prt 2
http://fubar.com/the-lost-art-of-love-letters-prt-2/b195373-859929

Monday Evening has fallen here. And with the sun goes most of the oppressive heat. Some still lingers, hanging about the air. waiting for me to walk outside so that it can beat about my shoulders and slide down my back. Evening. Gloaming. The time when light meets Dark. The time where fairies awaken. Leaves thrill and hold still. They wait for the middle nights...so they can be impregnated with dew. Gloaming is magic. Lightening bugs flutter for you. within thier wings they hold my kisses. And in their light therein lies my love. Teeny sparkels of it. The warm wind sweeps over my cheast and it takes my breath from me. It steals my whispers. It hugs them and holds them and the warm winds bring it over hills and over rivers...to where you lie. To where you drink your coffee on your bench. To where the sun may grace your face, and where the shadows dance across your dark hair. And there my love....My whispers... Have you felt them? Can you open your mouth and feel the warm wind send you my kisses.....open for them... -A lady loved.

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posted on 08/19/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;03:08&nbs-07:00;am

The lost art of love letters...Prt 1
http://fubar.com/the-lost-art-of-love-letters-prt-1/b195373-859928

There is nothing as intense and beautiful as a letter scented by your love. I have come upon a book filled with romantic sighs and sweet words. written by a woman in love. I am charmed and so I shall share a few installments of the diary.... Sunday 11:00 pm My Love, What beauty you have sent to me!! What a gift...of love and smiles. Sighs and moans. I cannot even express to you what your letters mean to me! _______! I always asked for a love letter and you sent me a whole novel full. I got your package last night as i came in late..It sat on my writing desk waiting for me. Oh La! I am entranced by you right now. I am. Your love seeps from the pages and lands upon the very soul of me. Every page I turn there was a smile, a laugh, a tear. I was surprised by the beauty of the novel. The little notes scribbled on the side pages and pictures pasted as well. All of it was perfecity...sheer love. Happiness and joy. It sits on my bed here while i write this..bumped up next to my knee..never far from my fingertips. I have finnised it in one day. I kept sneaking into my room and slipping to the page that I had left...and each time I opened it a golden glow of you lit me up inside. As soon as I finnished the last page, as soon as I kissed the last letter of your very last word I walked as quickly as I could to the nearest market and tried my hardest to find a journal as beautiful as the one you sent to me is! How perfect it was IT IS! with your symbol stamped on the front...was it pressed there just for my _____! My Baby! I have tears again as I gaze upon it sitting here. On my bed, nestled nest to my body where you will be someday soon. I am worried about you. well. I was. I am not anymore. You sound....happy. Content. loved. I picked up a set of the special pens that I use for you. Like the ones I write with, they slide over the pages of aper with nary a lick. I will send them off to you soon. I love you _____. I miss you so much my heart aches. I thought you would be right back. I did. We will get through this. Just you watch. My eyes keep gazing upon my beautiful novel. I slide my hand on the cover and my fingers play in the grooves. I am made speechless by this gift. It is more precious then anything you could have bought me...for you have sent me your heart. Wrapped up in paper and bound by leather. - A Lady loved

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posted on 08/02/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:08&nbs-07:00;pm

Attire.
http://fubar.com/attire/b195373-849592

"Uh oh... didja have a problem?" Crystal blue eyes stared at me. Her hair was spiked up on one side. Purple eyeshadow made her eyes look tinted the same color. "YES!" I plopped the bright pink bag onto the counter. "Your mirrors are different then mine i SWEAR!" She smiled. "Well we can't have that..let's see." She pulled out the skinny jeans and the bright blue sexy top. "Cute." She nodded to the outfit. "Im not a jean person tho...im just not!" She laughed..."okay okay..we definetly need to "find you something special for your birthday." The night before she had helped me out. Dawn sat next to me as I changed out of the pink blouse I had originally went there for "Im feeling... not so pink." "Wow Beanie...maybe it's time for a change." I nodded. But The outfit I bought that night.... just didn't make me happy. So I was back, but this time alone. The lady escorted me around the store grabbing up outfits left and right. I followed her meekly...so confused about what I wanted. Between her holding A line skirts against my body and matching tops to my eyes she asked me questions "Whats your normal style?" "I dunno...whatever makes me happy." She took that with a smile. "Do you like corsets?" "I have those already." My nose wrinkled How do you feel about wearing a sexy camisole with an A-line skirt?" I shrugged "I shall try it." I sighed and glanced back at the skinny jeans on the counter. "I'm just not a jean girl..." I murmured. She laughed...I suppose I was flustered at the thought of jeans. And no matter how many pictures of my jeaned ass that dawn sent me "Lookit Beanie LOOKIT your ASS dude!" I just was uncomfortable in them. I was sent into a room with no less then 25 outfits hanging for me. I stared at them and plopped out my phone. I was taking pictures and sending them to both Melanie and Dawn. The first top I tried on hugged my breasts and flared nicely. I was immediately in love with it. I paired it with an A-line skirt. The lady knocked on the door. "Did you try on the A-line skirt? I opened the door and she smiled. "If your fat and you try and A-line skirt on....doesn't it automatically make it a B line skirt? I'm just saying...do you see my fat?" Her eyes widened and she laughed. hard. But I loved it. I tried on dressed which I wrinkled my nose at. Three swingy tops paired with leggings that I made hurling noises at. I walked out...shaking my head. "No? Nothing?! Ohmygoodness." There were three ladies helping me now. One pulled a pair of ugly pants from a rack. "Try these...they are called miracle pants. None of us have tried them yet...you can be our guinney pig" 2 minutes later I walked out and let them know how much ass their miracle pants sucked. It had been 2 hours since I walked through the Torrid doors. Purple eyes came up to me. "You don't like ANYthing?" Her fingertips tapped at her chin. She looked around the store. "well...I LOVE that top so much I wanna hump it...but I don't think the B line skirt is fabulous or wonderful. The three ladies were laughing. And I scowled at them. "Your funny." I smiled. "Being funny with an amazing top and a B line skirt sucks ass." I did find something I loved however...you'll see.....

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posted on 07/26/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;03:07&nbs-07:00;pm

The Hunk
http://fubar.com/the-hunk/b195373-844691

The hunk Humming beneath my breath I grabbed up my purse and headed out the door. My earphones firmly placed in my ears, my hair swang loose around me. I sang with Jason Mraz and slipped on my happy sparkly rainbow shoes. As i passed the window in my dining room I paused. My singing faltered. I stared. Hmm. I watched a mans head fall back as he laughed. My eyes zeroed in on his throat. I could feel his laughter but not hear it. Moving closer to the window I noticed his dark hair pulled back into a short pony tail. Tattooed words...just peeked out over his white shirt. My eyebrow raised. Damn near 6 feet tall. He had a hat pulled low and with a flick of his wrist he raised a zippo to light the cigarette that was pursed between his lips. He smiled and nodded as he conversed with another man. Hmm.. Taking my keys I headed off to run my errands. Later as I pulled into my driveway I noticed him sitting and chatting with liz. My neighbor. I stared over at him for a moment and opened my car door. I smiled and as I walked I heard a whistle. Pausing I looked back. His head was down, but his lips were smiling. Too my right sat Mio (my beast of a neighbor) and various other guys. My eyes skinnied up and I marched to the fence. "I know you didn't whistle at ME Mio!" "Ahhhhh calm dowwwwwn Laurieeee" Mio always smiles. His eyes are always skinnied up from smoking too much ganja. "It wasnt meeeeee!" He laughed and as he did the bar in his eyebrow shone. "Your lucky your CUTE pendejo!" They all laughed and as I walked away I swung my hips a bit...just cuz i wanted too. As I came into the house I returned to the window. Looking out.biting my lip Hmm I texted Dawn with the stats, and went outside when Liz called me. I smiled and took her offered tomatoes and zuchinii. Mmm homegrown! "Ill be right back I gatta put these in the fridge!" Glancing outside The hunk was standing around the corner where liz was waiting for me. He hurridly ran a comb through his hair, his hat was under his arm. I saw him smooth his shirt and replace his hat before turning the corner. He stopped when he saw liz and turned away. Giggeling to myself I hopped down the steps. I smiled and looked around, chatted to liz for a moment and he walked behind her. Pausing a moment, He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Who's the hunk in your yard Liz?" He paused and turned around smiling. "Oh the hunk huh? You noticed didja" "Course I did.." I said to her "Hi..Im laurie.." i said putting my hand out to him. "Hi Laurie....Dustin" He took my hand. On his thumb he wore a silver ring. I glanced at it, smiled into his eyes and continued talking to Liz. He backed away, smiling and Liz whispered "He was asking about you..." "was he now?" I smiled at her and looked over at him "Yes...he likes the fluffies" "He does?" I laughed and smiled. "Perfect.." She smiled at me "I told him to get inline." "He can cut...im wicked nice like that...How old is he?" "Young." "HOW Young...please say 25 or older." She cringed. "Lie to me Liz." "Im pretty sure he JUST turned 25." "Perfect." I smiled. And I walked back into my home.

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posted on 07/11/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:07&nbs-07:00;pm

Be Naked..
http://fubar.com/be-naked/b195373-833828

Be Naked... You can pick up a cloth, a coat or a gown. You can see that it is decorated in the many qualities that you wish you had. Beauty, deep religion, soul comforter, bestfriend, sister, mentor, mother, happily married...what ever you wish that you were, but are not. You can try to put it on. It may fit quite nicely at first. You wake up in the morning and stand there so proud of you who look to be. Each day your mind is bent with the thoughts of this 'you' who you arent...and never have been. Each day the cloth gives less and less. It doesn't bend quite as well as you swore it did in the beginning. The beginning of your farcity. Your lying to yourself so that you can smile each day. Lying to others so they look at you and see only what is on top. The patterns and designs of the cloth you have woven with fake smiles and bows of your head. We are all unique..quite like the person right next to you. Not so unique are we. So you stand so stiff, and you judge so easily. Quickly sweeping common sense under the rug. The simple thoughts. The ones you refuse to think for more then a half of a second. The beat of your heart that says. "He will never change" ..."I should never have..." "If only I hadn't.." The ignored. The truth. Your mind knows. Your heart does as well. But it seems too hard to listen at times. It is easier to let another think and decide for you. Your lover, your mother, your God. So you clench your coat of 'courage' tighter to your breast. You lift your head and you smile a soft knowing smile. I have clenched that coat tight around me, and I have looked down upon others who certainly were truer and better then myself. It is easy at times to sit above and never kneel beside. I have shucked my coat, my cloth, my lies. I stand naked now. With my heart beating outside of my skin. covering it, pinkening it. I am comfortable now. There are no constraints and now limits...only those who look upon my nekid truth and clench their farcity tighter....

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posted on 07/07/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;09:07&nbs-07:00;pm

Music for my soul...
http://fubar.com/music-for-my-soul/b195373-830518

Shane and I were in the kitchen. We have become pros working around each other there. He moves as I walk. He peels potatoes as I slice them. While we cook music plays...always. It's a mix of a whole Lotta Regina Spektor, Jason Mraz, The black eyed peas, Justin Nozuka among others...many others. I belt out whole heatedly to Regina. I love her odd music. It paints my heart with happiness. I have no idea why. Emma sits in our wooden kitchen chair, sunshine fairly skips along her hair as she giggles to the weird lyrics...and my interpretation of it. I was standing over the counter and i could hear the music start....softly...and then his distinctive voice, the very timber of it makes me smile. It makes my tummy happy. The band in the background. The horns, the violins...ahhhh Frankie, my love. I start dancing. My smile is huge and my body moves to the music. I turn to Shane at the sink. He holds a dripping potato, newly washed. He smiles at me. One eyebrow raised. "Shane...Shane...come dance!" "Uh...that's a negative mom." I stomp my foot. "When Frankie comes on...YOU DANCE! I'm sure its a rule someplace Shane Christopher!" I grab for him, making the potato fall into the sink. "I have no idea how to dance." My son mutters. He is taller then I. I smile into his beautiful hazel eyes and shrug "Neither do I.." I place my hand in his. His hand about my waist, mine rests gently on his shoulder and I whisper "one two...one..two.." He looks down at our feet and we bump foreheads. I laugh and remember dancing with my Daddy this way, except i always stood on his toes. He would glide me around our living room and I would feel the air through my hair and I felt so special. From the side Emma giggles. She sits and watches us. My shoulders shrug to the music and My head goes back as I laugh. "Come flyyyyyyy with me..." I leave my son (much to his relief I am sure) and grab for my daughter. I twirled her in circles... Our hands clasp and she giggles up at me. Shane moves oven to take over for me as I dance. The song ends and my favorite comes on... "The way we danced until three....the way you've changed my life... no no they can't take that away from meeeeeeeeee" I sing, my son shakes his head. My daughter giggles. Mouthing some of the repeating verses. Twirling and laughing we sang as Shane finished dinner. We sang to Regina Spektor as we set the table. " I need your money...it will help me...i neeeeeed your car and I need your love." We Danced to Pump it as we got drinks. "Pump it LOUDER...Pump it..." "Whats for dinner Shane?" My booty moved to his favorite song "pump it." He thought for a second..."the winter one." I nodded and set it up on the play list. And that night, we three sat down and bowed our heads with Vivaldi playing softly in the background.

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posted on 06/29/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;11:06&nbs-07:00;pm

your embrace
http://fubar.com/your-embrace/b195373-824674

I love the feel of my lips on your neck. So lightly put. Your skin is warm and I can feel the beat of your heart there. softly I slide them. Your skin heats my lips. In my ear I hear your breath... steady. I sway my body against you. Fingers grasp fistfuls of my hair....and tighten. I smile against your skin... and breathe in the scent of you. My mouth wettens. I love the expectaion of our embrace. The connectivity of a stance. The breath that leaves your body and becomes my own to blow back over your skin. One and together beat. Always moving..slow and soft..knowing where this will lead, but craving the time it takes to build this. Small movements equal enormous energy. A constant circle of sensuality. Breathing in and breathing out...moving...swaying. Eyes that stare and lips that suckle..Passion times love times struggle. Yes. I love this embrace...and the expectation of it.

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posted on 06/29/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;11:06&nbs-07:00;pm

I KNOW
http://fubar.com/i-know/b195373-824667

I know that he is mad at me.... Because when he is, I am moved down his list of friends and He acts like he is ignoring me...when in reality he visits my page more often in a day then he quenches his thirst. He has to fight against violent pictures posted on my page and harsh words whispered at me. He has too. If EVER there was a man passionately and obsessively in love with me, it would be Him. I sigh, roll my eyes and ignore him to the best of my ability. But I smile while I do it. It is the masochistic side of me, I imagine...to enjoy it. I started writing with him damn near three years ago. His passion and quick wit ensnared my own. Quick to laugh. Quick to make me laugh. I know the sound of his smile. I have heard his voice thick with sleep....and with mourning. Friendship turned passion turned passionate yearning. Maybe it was wrong.... Okay I know it was. But he is part of my path. One layed before me. One I chose to take. I do not regret it. He is the bearer of flower crowns and sweetly pressed flowers. Voodoo dolls and Books of love letters. Harsh words, followed by sweeter ones. Songs sung to me under covers and a friendship so thick, nothing could break it. Lies even thicker, I could never imagine them. He broke my heart and in turn I broke his. To this day, He has made SEVERAL of my days, never forgetting a special one. Not a birthday or a holiday. Be it a word about my father on Memorial day or a tie sent to my son on his birthday. "because every young man should know how to tie one." He hates it when I cry and sings songs to me in a broken whisper. Days flow and beat into weeks. Months pass...and we don't really speak. But he is still part of my path. One that is deeply sunk into me.

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