Lo's blog: "Goddess"

I'm strong, but I break I'm stubborn, and I make plenty of mistakes Yeah I'm hard, and life with me is never easy To figure out, to love, I'm jaded but oh so lovely All you have to do is hold me And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe Someday when we're at the same place When we're on the same road When it's okay to hold my hand without feeling lost Without all the excuses When it's just because You love me, you let me, you need me, then maybe, maybe All you have to do is hold me And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe I'm confusing as hell Yeah I'm north and south And I'll probably never have it all figured out but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you And I promise I'll try Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me Every single detail you missed with your eyes Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, yeah maybe One day, we'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely Every little thing, oh yeah maybe, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me then I don't want to be tough And I don't wanna be proud I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved I just want to be loved by you And I won't stop cause I believe that maybe yeah maybe Maybe yeah maybe Maybe, maybe I should know better than to touch the fire twice but I'm thinking maybe, yeah, maybe you might, Maybe, love maybe

It is not easy being alone. Being married means you always have someone there. To rely on. To cry too. To laugh with. To roll your eyes at. I stayed married for that express reason. I am not afraid to admit it. I was being taken care of. In some ways. And other ways I was not. The little girl inside of me who drempt of a tall, dark and sexy husband who chased me and kissed me until I giggled....still lived. Many a night I would stare across the table at my husband. I would just stare at him. My eyes would slide over his face. And while I didn't hate him. I surely didn't love him. Not the way I have always wished to love someone. Butterflies in your tummy and stares off into space. Smiling in the middle of the day, simply because you remember something that they have said to you the evening before. A love that you breathe in and radiate out. Silly little girl, she lives inside of me still. After my husband left I ran out and bought new sheets and a luxurious bed set. I flopped back on the bed that night, my hair flew and landed in my face...and I laughed. I breathed deeply. And I was alone. After 13 years. Days fly by. Each one full. From the moment I am dressed in the day until my children are asleep I am going, going, going. Ahhh but when they sleep. Or are gone for the weekend. I am alone. At night I drink a cup of coffee on my front porch. Sometimes I lay back and look at the stars. Friends call and I laugh and smile or murmer and comfort and when I hang up....I am alone again. I dress up and go out and drink down. I can dance until my feet hurt laugh until my cheeks are sore, but when I walk through the door...I am alone again. I love it. And I wrinkle my nose at it in the same moment. I have questioned myself alot. Was it worth this? Worrying and working so damn hard, every single day? Was it? I look to my children and still see smiles and laughter. Was it worth it to be gone from them, instead of being home when they wake, as they leave and when they return? Always there. The point is. I divorced my husband for the love of MYSELF. For the belief in something....a dream.. a whisper of it even. I sound hopelessly romantic. Which is odd for me to even fathom of myself...but there it is. I am alone. And I'm worth being so. Because in the end, I believe in that kind of Love. I know of it and have seen it. I've touched it and held it. And I want it.

It is amazing to me..how much I have changed. Growing up I rarely wore shoes. I lived in a place where our neighbors were just a car ride away. The only sounds you can hear are the ones that are nature made. Grasses raise and flow with the wind. I would sit for hours on hot dry evening, my tired feet resting in the cool puddles that our irrigation made. I would ride my horse into the lake and run him after cows that I was so afraid of. (I was afraid of him too...i just never said so. wouldn't want to hurt his feelings and such.) My Father woke my sister and I early each Saturday morning and with bleary eyes we would set out in his huge clunker of a military truck. Up the mountain we would go to the newest felled trees. He's break out his chainsaw and we would load wood into the truck. Afternoon could find us dragging brush into piles and I have dug my share of ditches. dug and re dug again when they were too shallow. We would take late night walks. The moon and the stars were the only light. Crickets sang, branches snapped and never once were we afraid. How many years later and the sight of a bug screeches me. I hop about like a ballerina, clapping my hands (very special needs like). My whole body shudders and I cannot stand to look at it. I cry out to the nearest person "GET ITTT! GEEEEEET IT" and while I do ...my hands clap. My hair flies. I will run to the furthest reaches of my home. Crying out "Didja get it???" Standing there. Shuddering and making "ickkk ickkk" noises with my mouth. I remember going fishing as a child, and using grasshoppers for bait. You hook 'em on, by popping the hook through their heads. The fish seemed to love the way they moved. The very thought of this and the sound that it made makes me want to hurl onto the computer keys. This evening a spider dared to run past me. It was fat and brown and hairy. I raised my feet and froze. Obviously thinking that if i didn't move, it wouldn't see me, hop onto my head and try to suck the life from me. "SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE SHANNNNNNNNNNNE...a spider a spiderrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!" My son hops from the nice cozy bed he had made himself on the couch. "What?!" his eyes are sleepy. I could give a fuck. "There's a spider!" I barely move my lips. (remember my whole moving theory.) "Where?" He stomps over. "Its there!" my eyes move from him to the spider. He should obviously know my 'bug' signlanguage by now. And he does. He sighs and looks at me. His hair is especially foofy tonight. "You gave birth. TWICE!" he hold up two fingers. "Yesidid." My eyes staring at the spider. I obviously think that only my stare is keeping the spider from moving. For a moment I am in awe of my superpowers. Until it starts to creep under my desk. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEshaneEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE itsgannagetme!" "Mom CALM DOWN!" "I gave birth to you for this express purpose. I waited until you were old enough to kill bugs before i let your father move out...getitgetit!" He rolls his eyes at me and comes near with a shoe. "WAIT!" I exclaim "WHATMOM." I pause and look at the spider "What if it has babies." He snorts and shakes his head.Turning back to his spider masacre. "Well now its gone." "It iiiiiis? It must have left." "Yes it must have. Maybe your screaming hurt its ears too." And He lumbers back to his couch.

We stood side by side putting on makeup. She uses the brushes, but I always use the tips of my fingers to apply. Her mouth opens and circles when she lines her eyes...and I laugh. Her eyes catch mine in the mirror. And she does too. We are garbed in black. "How many funerals have we gotten ready for together now?" "Three...this last year and a half." she frowns I do too. We stare at each other in the mirror. She slowly starts to apply makeup again, and I unwind my hair from its high bun. I sigh and run a brush through my hair. Today was hard. Tears line every eye, strangers hug me. My cousin comes up to me. His smile lights his face...but it is weary. Tired. worn. Strained. It is his wife who's life we celebrate this day. Her death we mourn. She was 33. Too young. He hugs me tight and murmers against my neck. "It has been to long cuz." I sniffle and rub my hands along his back. "It has." I agree, and nod. He starts to walk past me, and his fingers catch my hair. He stops. My hair between his fingers. He stares at it and rubs it between his hands. I can see in his eyes. He must be on valum. He must. So calm is his body. His words lazy. He stares at my hair and slides his fingers on it....and smiles back down at me...and then walks on. To the next Hug. The next sniffle. The next set of tears to litter his neck. I watch him go. My heart hurts for him. I feel slightly uncomfortable here. Among those I once was closest too. My daughter spins on a pole...and I smile and walk to her "I get half your cut when you are grown." "my cut of what?" she stops and looks up at me. "You my daughter, are a damn fine pole dancer." "Oh! I am!" so proud was she. Innocent. She smiles me...I smile back. And we turn to leave.

When I met you, so many years ago...It seemed to me as if you were taking away my brother. He laughed more with you, smiled when he never would have before. It is an odd thing for a sister to watch her brother fall in love. It has been a distinct honor to watch him do it with you. As I came to know you, I couldn't help but fall in love with you myself. Sweetness was encarnate with you. You graced this earth with your laughter. Your smile, the way your eyes always glanced at Brian when you didn't know that he was looking. I watched your family grow...and so my own did as well. You gifted me with three beautiful nephews. I have never in my life met a humanbeing as unselfish as you are. It has amazed me throughout these years....I keep waiting...for the world to harden you, or for your perfectness to slip...but it never...ever did. I am...and have always been amazed of you. I don't think I ever told you or showed you how very much I love you. How...I could never love a sister, born of my blood, as much as I have loved you Stephanie. Small things play into your mind when tragedy occurs. You were the only person who sang to me this year on my birthday. I laughed and blushed into the phone when you called....but it thrilled me. It smiled me. And it made my entire day. It is the little things in life....such as your song in my ear...that I will miss each day that we have without you. I love you sister.

She burst through the door and I swear sunshine followed her. she always smells sweet, even if she has been digging in the dirt for an hour. "Mom! Im a girlscout." she smiles and she shines because of it. I try not to let my mind settle on the fact that I missed her first meeting because of work. I pick her up and settle her on my stomach. My arms wrapped beneath her bottom. "YOU! Are perfect." I say. I am in love with my daughter. Her giggles alight my own. I snuggle her into my neck. I smell her hair. It is cool from the wind. My eyes tickle with unshed tears and I hug her closer. She settles back and looks down at me. Her hair and mine mingle. Eyes so blue. Crystal clear. she has my mothers eyes. Ice eyes..but warm and sparkly. "I love you Emma ElizaMIDGETbeth." "I love you mommy." She smiles down on me still..... And then.... She farts on my arms. "EW!" I wrinkly my nose and hold her away from me. She giggles and between gasp of breath she exclaims. "Moooooooooooom! You squeeeeshed me TOO tight!"

So... There are a few things about Fubar that just irk me. Not Fubar itself, but the people on it. #1. When someone has "feelin sad" in their little status bubble. Oh lord. That bothers me for some reason. I mean I suppose I could write "I can't pay my bills so I decided to just go and masterbate one more time, cuz it makes me wicked happy.".....but....I don't think that'll fit. #2. Peoples pictures that say "Just me". Who else would it be...really? #3. People who talk with you for a few moments in the little black box...and then invite you to watch them cum on cam. *eyeroll* Really....sigh....it is so dissapointing. NO I don't wish to watch you cum on camera, and I certainly will not chat with you to get you there. That makes you selfish. "please talk dirty with me and make me cum." No! What do i care if you cum? I don't. And like I say to each of them. Im sure you can find someone scrolling two inches above this box, who would love to help you....in fact. Put that shit in your status bubble. #4. People...(I cant say men, because i get women asking as well...)who ask to see my private folders and expect it to be chock full of vagina or bewbies. Nope not ganna happen people. My candy isnt on Fubar. #5. Men who have the balls to be disresepctful to a lady simply because he is not looking her in the face. "You swallow?" they say or "id like to slap dat ass." Well. how nice for you. And I hardly would swallow a strange mans cum...thanks for askin. "Does your mom?" Has gotten the best responses for me. Kay. Im done for now. *smile*

A phone call changes your life... It changes your sense of things. Words on a line spoken with tears blows the breath out of you. I could feel myself spinning. And I could feel myself stop. Every moment that I saw her came to my mind. Flashes, pictures. Laughter. Me. 17 years old. Pregnant and alone. I woke in the night in a home not my own. My belly was tight. I could feel it release. And tighten once again. I woke up and pushed the coverlet back to run to the bathroom. I was unsure of what was happening. My back hurt. My panties were wet, but not soaked. I walked through the darkened house, out the sliding glass door and down a few steps. I stood there. In the dark for a few moments. Unsure of myself. Finally I raised my hand to knock. Softly at first...and then harder as the next contraction hit. "stephanie..." I whispered. A few moments later her face apeared at the door. "Somethings wrong." My hands slide over my round belly. I looked at her and waited. "You are going to have that baby!" She was excited. her voice raised and then lowered as she looked behind her into the room. She ended on a whisper. Thinking of her own infant son, asleep in his crib. She followed me back into the house and into the bathroom. I showed her my panties. "YES! That babys coming!" "It can't." "He IS!" she laughed and smiled at me. "I have decided that I change my mind, and that I am not ready to have a baby." I declared. She laughed "A lil too late there girlie." She went to wake my aunt. I was driven to the hospital. In the backseat I watched the moon and held my stomach. Scared. So scared. For myself. For this innocent child inside of me. At the hospital I was admitted and she stayed to my right as I went into full labor. Offering to rub a soda can along my back and telling me how awsome I was doing between each contraction. When the doctors told me there would be no pain medicine for me ..She was there, Her hand clasped in mine. Her blue eyes sending warmth inside of my cold scared body. It came time to push and she was there. Her eyes were my focus. They were so blue. And warm. I pushed and she held my hand, murmered words of encouragement when I cried and said I couldnt do it anymore... and cried herself when I finally held my son in my arms. I will never forget that moment. It is the moment that played in my mind when I heard the news about my cousin. I was so blessed to have her next to me that evening.

Want to but I can't help it. I love the way it feels. This got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real. I need it when I want it. I want it when I don't. Tell myself I'd stop everyday, Knowing that I won't I've got a problem and I.. (don't know what to do about it) Even if I did, I don't know if i would quit But I doubt it. I'm, Taken by the thought of it..(mmm mm) And I know this much is true (mmmmm) Baby, you have become my addiction. I'm so strung out on you (mmmm) I can barely move...but I like it, So, then it's all because of you (all because of you) So, then it's all because of you (all because of you) And it's all because of you (all because of you) So, then it's all because... Never get enough, She's the sweetest drug. (Oowuuu) Think of it every second, I can't get nothing done. Only concern is the next time, I'm 'gon get me some. Know I should stay away from, Cause it's no good for me. I try and try but my obsession, won't let me leave. I've got a problem and I (don't know what to do about it) Even if I did I don't know if i would quit But I doubt it. I'm, Taken by the thought of it. (mmmm) (heeyh..) And I know this much is true, (mmmm) Baby, you have become my addiction. I'm so strung out on you, (strung out on you..) I can barely move...but I like it, (but I like it..) So, then it's all because of you (all because of you) (aey!) So, then it's all because of you (all because of you) And it's all because of you (all because of you) So, then it's all because... Never get enough (Never get enough..) She's the sweetest drug. Ain't no doubt.... (no doubt heayh) So strung out. (Strung out heeayh) Ain't no doubt.... So strung out. (heahheh!) Over you, Over you,(yooouuu) Over you(yooouuu)... (Because of you) (And it's all because of you) (mm) (Never get enough) (She's the sweetest drug) And I know this much is true (Truuuuue) Baby, you (baby yoou you you you) have become my addiction (become my addiction) I'm so strung out on you, I can barely move...but I like it (and I like it..yeaheh..) So, then it's all because of you (aey!)(all because of you) So, then it's all because of you (all because of you) And it's all because of you (all because of you) So, then it's all because... Never get enough (Oooh never get enough) She's the sweetest drug, ...She's the sweetest drug...