Italian Princess RLM2 Essex's blog: "I just sat and watched you"

 

One never knows how much time is gifted to them

All one really knows is what is right there in front of them.

Many get consumed while other's just don't give a damn

Some are fighting for one more day

While others throw it all away.

 

I sit here tonight as I type this out

And I wonder why I am dealt the hand I hold

Why am I fighting to see tomorrow

When there are those that just don't care.

I fight and only God knows my pain and my fight

My stage is wide open

Yet I don't have a part just yet

 

I walk about and I wonder

What can I do to see tomorrow

Just one more day, just one more chance to know

What tomorrow will bring and offer when

My stage is crowed with dreams and wonders

Yet, I'm still waiting for the part to be mine to play

 

What hurts the most is not knowing

Hoping and wanting

Not knowing yet holding faith by the sleeve

I'm not ok, but yet I keep fighting

I watch as many walk away and never look back

Only few know, yet make me feel alone.

 

What is one to do when tomorrow isn't here yet

Yet I'll fight to call it mine

God only knows what is going to be

Yet I'm always never knowing

Just hanging on faith and a dream

Looking for tomorrow to be mine

While others walk on by.

 

 

 

 

Just when I thought I could stand on my own after all the tormoil, today I buried my 14 yr old niece. There is nothing worse than saying goodbye to someone you were teaching about life and what was in store for them ahead in life. Only to find out, they taught you more than you can ever learn in life in a horrific day. How many times did I tell my son he couldn't stay out and ride his scooter because I was tired of sitting outside? how many times did I not give him 5 more minutes to try his best again on the monkey bars? Saying goodbye to my niece opened my eyes to what I was not indulging myself to in my life. How many times do I have to be selfish or too tired before I realize what I lost? Today I realized, as I said goodbye with tear-filled eyes to my Mindy, that I don't have tomorrow, I only have today. What do I actually have to do that is that important that I can't throw a ball to my son or watch him learn another stunt on his scooter, bike, or skateboard? Pay bills, clean a kitchen, or fold clothes? I don't think so. Not anymore. I can do that once I watch my son sleep and in a slumber that brings him to dreams that I once dreamed myself. I closed my eyes tonight and I realized I wasn't listening to what was being said to me. I found out what I was missing. One clear voice shot through me like a lightening bolt. I am listening now to what I have ignored before. My fears of losing the greatest gift of my life have taken control and I won't miss out on a minute of what life is really about. Money will always come and go. Things will always need replacing, but life....my family and what I have been blessed with....can't ever be replaced.

I just sat there and watched you as you walked on by. You didn't even look at me, you acted like I wasn't even there. After everything we shared together, never even fought. You always told me you wanted me, but I needed to trust who you were. We went almost everywhere, shared a lot of good times. And just when I wanted to make love to you, you just left and never looked back. I hate you for proving your a player. And I thank God for making me strong. I don't put out or sleep around, being with someone is only shared with one person and them alone. Was everything about you a lie? Or did you ever give a damn? Just sitting there and watching you walk on by, I just cried. But not for you, I cried out of happiness, that I will never be a notch in your belt. I will always be something on your mind...the wonder and the desire of what you never had.