Grish's blog: "irked"

I am not your Barbie doll some one to dress up and throw away. I am not the silly little girl who still believes in fundamental goodness of people. Honestly I don’t think it exists any more. I’m almost sure that kindness is now considered a weakness instead of a virtue. Actually I’m positive at least from my view point that it is indeed a weakness. It has been my experience that all you get from being kind to others is rolled over and forgotten. I will never be what every one else expects from me but I am what I expect. I haven’t failed myself so I think I might still be a head of the game because I’m happy with me instead of trying to fit what others are expecting of me. I may never be a six or have abs of steel but you know what that’s ok. Like I said I’m not a Barbie doll and I don’t want to be. I am not here to be used and abused I’m here to find what life means for me not what others think it should mean for me. It’s taken me a while to get to this point but I think it’s a better place to be. Meeting my expectations for life makes things just a little bit easier. That’s not to say that I don’t have high expectations for myself but at least this way I’ve only disappointed my self when things don’t work out instead of failing everyone. This definitely makes it easier for me to want to take risks and try new things and continue to get out there and do so. I don’t know what life has in store for me but I think as long as I know I’m the one that decides my future and the people in it I’ll be just peachy.

Yeah so as many of you know Jon and I were back in PA for a few weeks. Most of you also know it wasn’t for happy reasons. I can’t really say much right now I’m not really sure what to say. I wish we had been back for happier reasons. I wish all the new family members that I meant from Jon’s family had been for better times. I dunno it’s been an interesting past few weeks and its just slowly getting kinda back to what normal could be. You do what you can to help, back off when you really can’t and grieve when your ready. That’s sorta how it works.

Right now all I have to say is if I see one more blog saying how Heath Ledger got his because he was spreading gayness I am going to flip out. What happened was a terrible tragedy and no one deserves to die that young. And in case any of you uneducated tarts had forgotten he had a young child who deserved to have a father and now she’s been cheated out of that. I really don’t have much else to say on this right now because I’m too angry to be able to make any sense right now.

Is there such thing as too much pride? Is there such thing as having to much heart? Why is it so odd to come across truely nice people? And why is it that every one has sex or fucks? Why isn't it making love? Why when we claim to love our partners does the thing that brings us closest together get given so little meaning? And why is that ok? Why isn't any one doing any thing? Why hasn't any one said anything? Why is it one big joke? WHY DOENS'T IT MEAN MORE?

I am a Daughter I am a Girlfriend I am a friend I am a Sister I am a Hair Stylist I am an Employee I am an amueture Gardener I am all these things but I still don't know who I am. I don't know where I am going to be in a few years. I don't know where my life will take me. I have an idea of where I'd like to be, but not a clue as to where I am actually going. I know I am much more then the things I listed but I still don't know me as a person. I know that in a few years I'd like be married preferabley to Jon he is everything I have wanted in life and more. I'd like to have a few rugrats running around. I'd like to have a few pets a nice home but more then anything before all of that happens I WANT TO KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM. I don't want to be some one else, I don't want to come off like some one else I just want to be me. But sometimes I really don't know that that's enough.

so i had made a great friend on here used to talk to him about every day this is the old head that had me smilin when i didn't think i could and then poof gone had to go take care of some business and never hopped back on here as far as i know but i just wanted to say Popzz man i miss ya and hopefully some day i'll get back in contact with you

yeah i dunno just in a weird mood check out this song its awesome Crimson flames tied through my ears Rollin' high and mighty traps Pounced with fire on flaming roads Using ideas as my maps "We'll meet on edges, soon," said I Proud 'neath heated brow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now. Half-cracked prejudice leaped forth "Rip down all hate," I screamed Lies that life is black and white Spoke from my skull, I dreamed Romantic facts of musketeers Foundationed deep, somehow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now. Girls' faces formed the forward path From phony jealousy To memorizing politics Of ancient history Flung down by corpse evangelists Unthought of, thought, somehow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now. A self-ordained professor's tongue Too serious to fool Spouted out that liberty Is just equality in school "Equality," I spoke the word [ Lyrics provided by www.mp3lyrics.org ] As if a wedding vow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now. In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand At the mongrel dogs who teach Fearing not that I'd become my enemy In the instant that I preach My existence led by confusion boats Mutiny from stern to bow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now. Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats Too noble to neglect Deceived me into thinking I had something to protect Good and bad, I define these terms Quite clear, no doubt, somehow Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now.

the thing abouts moving to arizona is that everything is changing and its not a bad thing with the exception me still looking for work everything else is actually coming together but for some reason i don't feel like i've gotten all my loose ends tied up personally and that kind of saddens me i know that a lot of it i'm not going to be able to fix but i'd like to fix what i can other then that all is well if any one has some free time and wants to be brave enough to enter my room i could use some help packing and boxes lots of boxes not just for me but for Jon as well. any way that's about it i'll give some more details when i have them or if their requested because really other then what's here i don't feel like i need to share any thing more in a blog.

the thing abouts moving to arizona is that everything is changing and its not a bad thing with the exception me still looking for work everything else is actually coming together but for some reason i don't feel like i've gotten all my loose ends tied up personally and that kind of saddens me i know that a lot of it i'm not going to be able to fix but i'd like to fix what i can other then that all is well if any one has some free time and wants to be brave enough to enter my room i could use some help packing and boxes lots of boxes not just for me but for Jon as well. any way that's about it i'll give some more details when i have them or if their requested because really other then what's here i don't feel like i need to share any thing more in a blog.