Blood n RosesFTW's blog: "Jokes"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?" "Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement. She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting..." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day, she brought in rolls of Lifesavers of all flavors. "Children," she announced, passing out the Lifesavers, "I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and tell me what flavor they are." The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavored Lifesavers, every one was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time ." Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit'em out, they're assholes!"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter penis. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm gettin' it on with Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" _________________________________________________ I decided to stop worrying about my teen aged daughter's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week. _________________________________________________ Man: You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy. Woman: Get off my back _________________________________________________ Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?" The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there." She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones." The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher." _________________________________________________ A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!" _________________________________________________ Little Johnny was sitting on the curb, crushing ants with his finger and saying "God Damn ants" Father Brown was walking by and saw Little Johnny. He said "Little Johnny you should not be doing that, the good lord has put everything on this earth for a purpose." "No that is not true Father," replied Little Johnny. "Well can you tell me three things that have no purpose?" replied the Father. Little Johnny said "Yes Father. The tits on a nun; the balls on a priest; and these God Damn ants." _________________________________________________ The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club". One of my buddies wanted to impress us so he pulls out a $10 and put it on the stripper's butt. Not to be out done, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the $60 bucks and went home.

(Told to me by my boyfriend, sorry if anyone is offended but i look at it this way , I am black and italian and thought it was funny) An italian, a black man and a polish man are all sitting on death row. They are all model prisoners and out of respect for maritonious service to their prison community the warden gives them all a choice on how they wish to die. The italian says "I want a big bowl of pasta to eat with a beautiful woman sitting across from me", so the warden laces his pasta with strichnyne, and he dies. The black man says " I wanna die in bed fucking a beautiful woman" so the warden hooks him up with a beautiful blond who fucks him til he has a heart attack and dies. The pollack says "I want AIDS" The warden responds "Are you sure you want that, AIDS is a slow painful death" The inmate responds "yes i am sure give me AIDS" so the warden has him injected with the AIDS virus, then the inmate says "Haha I fooled you I was wearing a condom" _________________________________________________ A 6'8", 280-pound black man walked into a bar, sat down next to a white guy, and said, "I's big and I's black and I love to fuck white women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar. The black moved over next to another white man and said, "I's big and I's black and I just loves to fuck white women." The white guy took one look at him, blanched, and ran out of the bar. The black then went over to a Polish man who was having a few at the bar and said, "I's big and I's black and I loves to fuck white women." The Polish man looked at him and said,"I don't blame you one bit, I wouldn't fuck a black one either" _________________________________________________ A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." He says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have anal sex with a nun." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."