Yeah so its like 4:16 pm. Hmm I've got a dinner with my daughter tonight for her birthday.I guess it will be ok but the last time I ate at the Olive Garden it sooo messed up my gut.Its probably that ulcer thing, well I think. I don't know I havent been to the doctor's yet. I told my ex everything yesterday. I say ex because in my mind she was already gone to me, even though she didnt know I knew all about her scandalous ways.She tried to lie in the beginning but in the end she finally just said yeah, I did and said all that stuff.So I wanted it all to be gone.But she says she loves me sooo much and doesnt want to lose me that shell do anything to keep me. I cant go on continuously worried as to wether or not shes cheating on me.I dont want to end up 2 lonely people in the same house and one of thems seeing people on the side.Thats not right to me. Thats dragging out a long boring painful existence thats destined to fail. So anyways I still love her. Yes some part of me loves the person she used to be but hates those secrets and twists and little hidden things she keeps from me.I dont want to be the guy that heard it from a friend because my girlfriend couldnt tell me to my face.I dont really understand the whole "girl" thing either.Like Girls who have one person or group that they just tell EVERYTHING to. Its like only getting part of a picture, if you had only part of a picture...would you save it or throw it away and start a new one? So after the whole big 4-5 hour long discussion she says she doesnt want anyone else and because Im not a total dickfuck thats harsh and cruel and w/e I'm feeling a little softer about the situation.And this is it. The only thing I had to offer her was that she could win me back by proving her love for me. I dont know what that is or anything. Its kind of like a fools task but at the same time once she does prove it, Ill know in my heart if its true and if shes honest about keeping me. I cant do all that non trust bullshit.That totally kills everything.Makes you on edge and full of emotion and grief and anger and revenge.and tears....
boohoo
anyways so yeah thats it basically..she fucked up , I at least told her about it before I broke her off, and now I'm giving her one last chance. I guess someone might see it as yknow wedging back or letting her walk on me but I think everyone deserves a second chance.Unless they tried to kill you or something.lol
And of course I loved her when we were together, so give me a break huh.Im getting older, time is flying past in handfuls of days and I didnt really want anyone else.I guess thats it, I dont have much to say cus I havent really done anything today other than dream some sweet lucid dreams.
January 24, 2007
