tassoman's blog: "My Business"

Penis: It has a Mushroom Head, Hot dog, 2 eggs and Milk which provide Nutrients, thus making LADIES healthy! Three (3) good manners of a PENIS: 1. Courteous: it stands before it performs 2. Emotional: it weeps when it's performing 3. Polite: it bows after it has performed Wow!!!! Can anything beat that???? Well, I will argue that pussy is the greatest. It provides many crucial services for man, check them out 1. *Valet Service*: Just slide in and you get a wash, massage and polish all for the same price 2 *Restaurant (Happy Meal)*: If you're hungry...you can eat all you want for as long as you want 3. *Dental Service*: FREE Natural brushing and tooth polishing 4. *Pumping Station:* Just manipulate the little nub up top and you get an endless supply of oil (who needs to worry about soaring oil prices? 5. *Banking Services*: It the only place you can make a deposit and watch it grow within nine months....(with most banks it would take years) Can a penis really beat that? you tell me...

There was a man walking on the beach one day, he was having a good looking body with a six pack abs and great shoulders and arms,a completely perfect body that will catch the looks and stares of women, but there was only one thing he had that was different, he had a very small head. So this girl was there lying and admiring him but she can't stop from asking, "hey how you have such perfect body but such small head." the guy replied, "you see i was on the beach one night and i came upon a very pretty Genni in a bottle and i freed her," so she offered me one wish before she disappeared, "so I asked her if i can fuck her seeing she was so beautiful and all," she replied, "it will not be possible because she was a spirit," I then without not realising the Ginnie would not know what i was refering to," asked her," if she can then give me a little head and i will be satisfy, that is how i was left with such small head since that night.

Never Argue with a woman in Private. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left leaving the woman alone reading.

I’ll show you the exact steps and specific directions to help you be more successful with women and dating—and you don't have to be rich or handsome to do it...but you my male friends will have to request the techniques. Dear Friend, Recently I was out with some friends at a local club. I looked over and saw a very attractive woman. I decided that I'd like to meet her and get her number so I could get a date with her later. I walked over and itroduce myself and we exchange a few words with her. Within about 3 minutes she was writing her name and phone number down for me. Keep in mind, this was at a popular club where she was being hit on all night. And I was the one who got her number. Other guys buy drinks, dance, and try for hours— and usually wind up with nothing in these types of situations. But I was able to talk to her and get her number almost instantly. The question is: What did I say to her? How did I do it? If you would have asked me if this was even possible a few years ago, I would have said "No way." But now I do it ALL THE TIME. It's not uncommon for me to go out for an afternoon or evening and come home with 3 or 4 phone numbers from attractive, interesting women. And it doesn't matter where I am. I can go shopping at a mall, out to a nightclub, or even shopping at the super market, and still meet one woman after another. As a matter of fact, my techniques work EVEN BETTER in coffee shops and other 'normal' places. I have to mention one more thing: I'm a regular guy. I'm 47 years old, I'm only 5'10" tall (short?), and I'm of average body not athletic. I'm a mixture of nationalities, but most people think that I'm Middle Eastern when they first meet me—and I've never been the kind of guy that women approach or ask out. So how did I go from not even being able to TALK to women to now being able to get phone numbers in 3 minutes and as many dates as I want?

Dear Husband; I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good, I have been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for all that time. These last two weeks have been HELL. Just to top it off your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw, last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, I cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight into the shower and bed after watching the game on TV. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, and whatever the case is after now, I’m gone. P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER & I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life without me! Now this is funny! Dear Ex Wife; Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. TOO BAD THAT DIDN’T WORK! I did notice when you cut off all your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating Pork seven years ago, if you didn’t remember. I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and brought us two 1ST class Tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happened for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. Oh! Just for the record my Attorney said that, with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I DON’T KNOW IF I EVER TOLD YOU THIS BUT CARL, MY BROTHER WAS BORN CARLA. I hope that’s not a problem with you or for you. Signed: Your Rich as Hell and Free.

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE, I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW, OH MY GOD! WHAT CAN I DO? MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS, NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL, MY MOOD IS BAD, CAN YOU TELL? MY BODY’S DROOPING, HAVE TROUBLE POOPING, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. REDNECK HUNTER CALL 911. A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" SPEED TRAP. A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. "But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."