St Bastard's blog: "Things I'd say in public!"

I had accidentally taken a nap, and upon awakening and saying "hello" to a friend or two, a lovely girl said to me "... and I bet you saw me in your dreams..." I responded: "I was playing checkers with Queen Victoria and Kurt Cobain. There were 3 colours, and I was under the distinct impression we were playing for something REAL important. I might have been losing." The girl who is a friend: "You could have lied to me and told me yes!!!! " (laughing the entire time) My immediate response: "Yes!! I was TOTALLY dreaming of you! We were in my kitchen cooking Cream of Shoe soup. You were slowly stirring in spices, I was chopping and adding the bits of otter. We were naked for no reason." She didn't seem impressed that I had dreamt of her.

Every morning I take the subway to work, and most mornings I scan through the papers to keep tabs on the dumb things our species is doing. This is what I found: "After drinking a few beers at a local pub, Patrick Shanahan's night ended in a police pursuit, complete with sirens wailing and orders to pull over his vehicle - his mother's motorized wheelchair. "I don't need a licence to operate it, I don't need insurance and I don't need licence plates to operate it" The 35 year old told reporters yesterday after being sentenced for impaired driving in a Brampton courtroom. "So how can I be charged with impaired driving?" The article goes on for a bit. The only important (and shocking) details afterwards is that Shanahan is apparently an alcoholic (no really!) and apparently has been sentenced for impaired driving before (that time it was a car). This morning I felt alittle less smug about being a Canadian.

I'm eternally pimping my friends. As mentioned on my profile, I was in a no-budget horror movie for an aspiring director friend of mine. It's called "the Art of Infamy" and basically it's a documentary by a serial killer about serial killers. I know that none of this is really news, but I'm bloging this cause apparently Ryan Andrews (the director) has completed a 90sec trailer for the flick so here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSGX116CQoU I might post a "behind the scenes" anecdote at another date.

I read not too long ago about an odd incident that apparently happened out in the Congo. Apparently some individuals shot tranquilizers into a troop of gorillas and applied clown make-up to all their faces. Stop and imagine for a second. You're a park warden, hiking through the jungles of the Congo. You work diligently to ensure that poachers had not killed more of these apes for their meat (and handy gorilla paw ashtrays!) and you come across all these gorillas painted up so. Just stop. And imagine.

"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: the fear of long words." When I was in grade 4 I had a nun for a teacher. Sounds like the beginning of some kinky tale, I know, but this is alot less interesting. So Sister Eva, she had this insidious way of punishing her misbehaving students; instead of making us clean the chalk board or write lines, she would have us stay in from recess/after school and copy out a page in the dictionary. She had me start out in the early A's and throughout the school year I eventually managed my way through to the mid R's - I was a problem child. The funny thing is this: years later I can look back on that year, and realize what a blessing that absurd punishment was! Her method of discipline was also a gift that allowed me to express myself in a myriad of different ways. But I've also discovered that this gift was a double edged sword. I've discovered over the years that people become VERY confused and angry when they are confronted with a word they don't understand! And instead of looking into the definitions of the words I've used, they decide to express their anger! Towards me! Wouldn't it be easier to broaden your horizons and learn a new word, instead of expending more energy being upset with me for not catering to the lowest common denomenator?