bigdeepmind's blog: "thy great and powerful blog"

I keep thinking I'll write some more... I guess I'm just not entirely sure what i should write here?

There's a part of me that thinks naughtyness is the right thing.. but it's almost as if.. I'm not 100% sure how to properly embody that in writing.. It's almost like.. I do this very rational thing where.. I keep the naughtyness at an arms distance.. so as to maintain a certain clear headedness.. and maybe it's about my retreating to the clearheadedness OR... 

Well ok.. maybe this will be a very intimate post then.. one where I share intimate things with you... should you be interested.

I have a lot of trauma in my childhood.. AND.. by the time I got around to.. checking out the ladies.. I had already been deeply traumatized by social rejection all over the place.. so it was expotentially more challenging for me to put myself out there.. with the ladies.. and it's something that.. to this day.. I'm challenged by.. how to properly put myself out there.

So the question is "err, how do I overcome this problem?"

I suppose.. the idea would be to develop.. a kind of strategy... or game plan... on that manages that.. increased sense of risk.. the trauma gives me.. 

I had this odd expereince of talking to this women.. yesterday.. just online. She was someone whom I had been crazy attracted to but might have been a little out of my league. I mean.. I get the vibe she comes from money... when I first met her she was an undergraduate at Harvard.. and somehow I got to helping her with her PhD... in psychology.. 

She was very cool.. when I did express my feelings to her.. like.. idk.. I guess it was a couple years ago.. I haven't talked to her too much since. But I mean I was just concerned with the trauma risk part of it.. and she was uber awesome about that.. and oddly interesting in terms of.. her boundaries? I don't know.. but I mean... 

I don't know that I'd say she entirely rejected me.. more "it was complicated." AND EVEN THEN... err.. it's complicated?

I wonder if i can explain this?

Some months ago I had an encounter with a women from... my past. Someone I had something with in college. I had a couple recent encounters with her... at one, while getting a bit drunk.. I confessed how I was still in love with her.. that I had been before and whatever... 

NOW.. to get at the complexity...  

SO... Even as I'm expressing this to her.. it's not exactly like I want to get with her... Her life is a little bit of a mess.. my life.. yeah, a mess too..  so I mean we have that in common but like.. I don't want to get involved in anything that's not going to be healthy, is one way I might put it.. and I'm not 100% sure... she would be healthy for me. 

NOW... I could just take my time.. getting to know her again... and only moving forward in the direction of her.. when it felt right to me.. and maybe over time... and or maybe we build a friendship and via that... 

Like I don't know... I just know I fell in love with her all those years ago and those feelings are still in me.. and they caught me crazy off guard when I went to meet her after not talking to her for like.. I don't know.. 20 years? It's almost like you're meeting a stranger.. you find her attractive.. so you know, might be interested on that level.. and then "Holy FUCK!" you're hit with the realization that you're in love with her.. this person that's sorta a stranger.. like how am I supposed to handle this?

Yeah.. I didn't know.

So when I tried to tell her while we were getting drunk... that was one approach to starting the conversation?

It wasn't much of a conversation.. she said something about.. I don't know.. like it wasn't the right time?

Like look at what I said.. about the problems I felt about getting involved with her.. like it's entirely possible that I'm entirely on the same page with her... about not nessisarally wanting to get involved.. or... do you see what i mean?

So that's what I mean about it being complicated.. is that REALLY a rejection? I mean sure.. if I wasn't viewing it the way I was viewing it.. but from where I was viewing it.. there would probably need to be more communication around the subject to really know.

In any event.. I mean I've only seen her a couple of times now.. where we hung out most of the day both times but....  

Yeah.. but I mean what I'm really interested with her is friendship because.. it's like someone from my past.. in a very particular way.. and I just need more friends.. better friends.. more ties.. I need to build a world around me that.. has a postive thing going on for it.. like that's where I'm at.

If women X or Y.. like I don't want to be with a women who's not right for me.. maybe an exception for a casual encounters or something.. but even then you want someone who's at least right for the causual encounter, right?

OK.. so the women I was talking to yesterday.. if only slightly. 

I think I want to get back with her tribe.. is one way I woul put it. She, also, recently got married.. THOUGH.. you know.. she is polyamorous so.. as I say.. her boundaries are interesting? But I figure she's a good friend to have... or she might be? I'm willing to take the risk on her... 

Right.. and I guess this speaks to how I often feel with women.. where I don't want to get involved in the thing that isn't right for me.. and yet I want to jump in without bothering to worry about where I'm jumping.

I suppose we all feel that way?

But I THINK.. my trauma around rejection.. has created a situation where I haven't jumped in enough times, without looking, to learn from it.. and so it's like I'm missing that learning...  

And I suppose this is effecting my want to get naughty here?

Ok.. let me just try and think this through a little / talk this through a little.

Lets say.. I talk naughty.. and it totally turns you on... Err, what are you going to do? Like.. you might say high.. and it's not like I'd be in anyway put off if you were a little.. inappropriate in how you approached me.. hell.. that actually sounds nice.. so like.. my shyness about getting naughty.. what tf am I worried about? AM I?

It's like a reflexive feeling though, I think... like I don't think it's really thinking per say... and the reflex isn't without a certain wisdom?

Yeah.. I don't know.

Should I get naughty? 

It feels wierd, now, after telling you all this... and it's a weird.. thing to jump from one mood to the next.

I THINK.. the problem is.. if I were to get naughty.. I'd have to put down my defence of clarity of thought.. and try and trust instincts.. I haven't had enough time to get to know.. in someways anyway....

I don't know... I've been thinking about the game plan.. like since I wrote about saying I should develop one.

Like.. I think I should... someone how.. just find a way to have adventures... getting to know people.. and not get too serious about anything until I'm really caught by... whatever catches you, right?

I find myself thinking back to past relationships.

There was this women.. I would have to drive 2 hours to see her. I met her in my wild period.. and she's been one of my regrets.. though.. I don't REALLY know how I think about it.. like maybe I doged a bullet?

My biggest problem with her was... well.. really it was how hot she was. Not only was she hot.. but sexually? OMG.. I mean she opened me to things I didn't know about. I wasn't prepared for a women like that! At the time.. I thought I could really only go 3 or 4 rounds in a day... with her... it was litterally all day with breaks for meals. 

But I mean.. it was basically just sex.. which, you know, was great.. I'm so thankful that I got to have such an exciting erotic adventure in my life... the trouble was... we didn't have the rest of the relatioship.. and I was pretty sure I was entirely blinded by how good the sex was.. BUT.. in reflecting on her I can see the other beauties in her.... 

I guess.. I don't know.. it was so mysterious.

So.. when I first met her.. before we met she told me she was ugly.. and not to be dissapointed. We had talked erotically online.. but I had no idea what she looked like.

I think I knew she wasn't white.. and this at a more racist point in American history then our present one.. but when I saw her she was like of the hottest women I had ever known? Like how could she have thought she was ugly? Mysteriously it was as if she thought I was a good catch.. She introduced me to a couple of her friends and it was as if she was bragging about having me.

When it ended... It felt like.. well I wish it hadn't... I wish we had found a way... but it was like some... schism.. of expectations.. I don't even know what happened in the end... 

I had TRIED.. to extend our relationship past the bedroom.. 

I wanted to show her some places that were special to me. The thing was it was 2 hours to drive to see her.. we did whatever.. then it would be 2 hours to drive to said special place.. 2 hours back to where she's at.. and then 2 hours to drive back home.. and when we got to said special place she wasn't interested.. and this was like my effort to share some more parts of myself with her.. and all the fucking driving... it was a horror show for me.

Now.. latter she would appologize for this.. and some of the other stuff that was annoying me.. an in hindsight I see it as just immaturity on her part.. we were both young at the time... but still.. if we had broadend our relationship a little.. it might have worked out.

The fight that eventually ended it...  ehh.. I'm leaving out a lot of the details... it certainly wasn't all her fault.. but it's heart breaking to think about sometimes.. because maybe we were right for each other.. and if only she had held on a little longer.. enough to see...  but under the circumstances I don't judge her.. though.. it wasn't awesome the way it ended.. she ghosted me.. but I get it....

Yeah... but that would be my erotic high point.. and eventually.. my love life became a barron wastland for a whole number of years.. and when it wasnt... the people I got involved with sucked.. worse then I was capable of understanding... till it was too late.

Happy thoughts?

Ok.. how might I wrap this up.. what was my point in talking about her?

I don't know.

These days.. I'm very mystified by women.

Like.. I've had the experience in the last couple days "wait, are these women vibing on me or something?" Like strangers... that live around where I live.. that I might see at a distance.. it's as if there were a way courtship could happen at a distance.. and maybe it is.. and I'm just to slow to pick up on it. If this is the case.. it is totally mysterious.

It helped that I recently started waring my glasses a little more.. otherwise things get blurry far away.. and I don't catch little details.. which are the details that would be involved in these kinds of interactions.. if you can even call them intereactions.

It's like your eyes.. you're not always exhurting all that much influence on them.. like they have a mind of there own.. and I find my eyes.. doing things where I'm like "I'm not sure you should be doing this." Eventually.. recently.. I've come to new ways of thinking about attraction.

There's a variety of women in my world.. who I do have varying levels of attraciton to.. some of which.. yeah, I don't know that I would want to get involved with per say.. but there's still that attraction there somewhere.. and then I get hit by these weird moments "wait a minute.. was she kinda into me in that last thing?" 

Sometimes this happens in places where it might not be appropriate.. or I mean.. a relationship wouldn't. There's one such women in my world.. I think very highly of her.. I like her very much.. it would be an ethical problem... for us to cross a line.. we don't get anywhere near the line.. enough to even be aware that such a line exists.. but I do notice my feelings of attraciton from time to time.. but it's all this very sublimated thing... and that's very intersted to me.... 

Like it's interesting to me.. this spectrum of.. attractions I can feel.. to women.. and shared moments... without it being a thing. These little things are enough to hold me over till I get a proper thing... still.. it would be nice to have wild erotic adventures in here every now and then.. that's, I think, the thing I must be working on.. or one of them...

I got some schemes.....   

Yeah.. maybe that's good enough...

Maybe that's something I feel on Fu too.. looking at these crazy attractive women.. and the spectrum... and those occasional interactions.... idk...  but I think the key to the problem is around here somewhere?