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I just had a wierd urge to.. sorta flirt.. with a lesbian? Yeah, you know.. I get the idea that I'm "not likely to get anywhere." but then.. its sorta not about that... the subtext was more about wanting to be encouraging and give confidence.. and do so in an entertianing way that... reads like flirting... but isn't really at all about trying to get with someone.
It was just a strange impulse... and i'm all about the stange impulses
True story.. one of my best / oldest friends in life is a lesbian... well, to be fair she was my first girl friend.. sorta.. I was half a cover for her and then there was something more there.. SORTA? It's hard to explain.. I suppose that's about as close to experimenting with homosexuality as I've done? There was also that time I temporarally stole her gf?
Back in.. maybe the end of the 80s, early 90s.. I'd find myself at different groups that were like.. support groups sorta.. for folks of the non-hetero variety. Homosphobia was way more crazy at the time then it is now.. and especially in small towns it was wayyyyy easy to be issolated and just feel like you were this weird freak... and so somehow I was almost like the mascot for all these lesbian girls.. and gay guys too.
I was the freekishly not homophobic straight guy that boggled there brain..
Like.. you have to understand the nature of homophobia.. that if you're gay... you tend to internalize it.. but like.. I hadn't internalized it.. so I was this wierdly supportive dude that was like.. arguing with them.. talking about how much bullshit the homophobic ideas they were still carrying with them were....
I, weirdly, did a sex resarch paper in high school... (before I knew said friend was a lesbian) I read the sex science of the time... and got all the way into Freud.. and then onto Jung.. like if you've ever seen the movie Kinsey.. or the Master's and Johnson's TV series.. I had read their stuff... I would bring the Satanic Bible to school and preach gay rights.. really as an effort to sorta debate moral philosophy.. basically.
Like I would just debate with everybody.. in the school it was not at all socially acceptible to not be homophobic.. and I was just doing this sorta socratic style debate.. like if you think it's wrong.. why is it wrong? The thing was.. NOBODY KNEW WHY THEY THOUGHT IT!...
It's now 30 years latter.. and it feels like the world is still trying to catch up.. to wherever I was in high school.
I had a real militant streak in me about it... and really wanted to fight for the cause.. Like I totally get that it's not my cause... in that I'm not in that boat.. but you know.. even then I knew I had some kinky sensibilities... and I felt like there was nothing wrong with that.. but the world wasn't ready.. and so it kinda was just like I wanted to fight for a more healthy kind of sexuality.
The world today is a little weird... Like I don't totally dig.. some of the way people are talking about it politially... on both the left and the right..
The problem here is mostly that folks on the left and the right don't know how to talk to one another.. and they have a tendency to imagine that the other side is the devil... and it's not totally like that... and we need to find ways to have love for the bad guys.. is basically the way I would put it. You know.. that's sorta like the Martin Luther King or Gandhi school of social change.
AND.. the other part of it is.. it really needs to be grass roots.. or come from the grass roots.. because another problem we have is in the inequality.. so it can be like elites, on the left and the right, telling everybody what to do.. and basically tryring to recruite batteries for there adventures in power aquisition... and that's not how you do it.. it can't be all top down.. it has to be something of a ballance between that and bottom up.. and I don't think there's enough of the bottom up.
AND.. I think we need a quality of moral leadership.... Saying the word moral can be a little difficult.. cause sometimes certain religious things come to mind.. and we think of the small minded, the hyporctics.. folks who are a little rule crazy... and I think in rejecting all that.. while that seems right to me.. there might have been a baby in the bath water... that got lost.. and we've fallen into this kind of nihlism about things.. that I think is an issue.
Besides that.. religions did provide humans with a lot of things.. things, lets say, to think about when it comes to how we should maybe live our lives.. and we no longer have those things... we have to figure it all out for our selves.. and the problem is how hard this actually is...
Err.. yeah.. so that's some thoughts, I guess?
