bigdeepmind's blog: "thy great and powerful blog"

My life is in crisis, as is my mental health.. I just had a bit of a break down.. 

In a slightly bigger picture, if it is a bigger picture.. err, well at least in a different frame around here somewhere.. I have this idea that I am to be creating music that's like a confession of my inward sorta existential struggle... and so.. when things went dark.. I quickly developed this musical idea and in very short order found myself recording these rather simple guitar parts and then a vocal part... 

I'm not much of a singer.. like I don't know how.. but I do have some awareness of pitch.. but mainly I wanted to try and capture the emotion.. the feeling...  and I did.

It was a very minimalist idea.. an idea of a sentence being repeated over and over gain.. with the idea that the meaning would shift based on whatever was in my head or something.. in the difference performance naunced of everytime you say the words.. and the song structure was one where the verse is one sentence and the chorus the other sentence.. reapting endlessly.. or at least that was the idea to start with.. 

The thing is... you get the feeling, listening to it, that I'm about to snap.. in some kind of psycho way.. along the lines of something you never saw before in your life.. like here comes the monster style.. it has this kinda intense scary feel to it.. which is wierd for minimalist music.. like usually minimalist music is fairly ambient.. like background noise.. or it can be background noise or you can focus on it.. and over all it had the feeling of a roller coaster and we are going up...  which leaves me with the idea that I have to do the fall part.. and what's going to happen there?

I somewhat have the feeling that my sense of the intensity has to do with.. whenever I do something creatively.. that's like different from anything I've done previously.. it's can be this sorta intense thing in terms of how I experience it.. like the excitement of this new thing in my work.. and all of that.. and it might be that it's something a little different from my perception... I'm sure.. well there's the issue of the flaws of the vocal performance or whatever... 

Of course.. I'll do more with it.. and hopefully find a way to make it work.

It has this quality that's like.. the quality of.. it sounds like not professional... like someone who has never done anything like this.. decides one day he's going to try and do something like this.. and this is what it is... kinda deal...  and... I'm not 100% sure that I don't like that as a quality.

I should say that i do know what I'm doing.. well maybe not as a singer but otherwise.. but.. 

Ok.. so I have mad skills as a producer and guitar player, lets say... but those skills tend to always be expressed in this highly "optimized" way.. like things that are technically virtuosic.. that are a ton of work... where it takes forever to get anything done.. and you're always aiming for the stars.. and all this sorta thing... and there's just something very cool about going in this other direction... and a feeling like.. maybe I should do more of it.. like what if I got better at going in this other direciton.. maybe I'd, in a way, have more creative freedom.. just because it wouldn't be so expensive in terms of the amount of time spent.. energy spent.. and all the rest of it... to create something.

Of course.. it's not done.. and it's likely that to finish it will require a ton of time and energy and whatever.. so maybe the point has more to do with the this way of working where the initial exploration of the idea doesn't involve so much work.

Also.. there's something funny to the idea.. at least in my head.. of making primative music.. the sorta expectations that sets.. and then to suddenly come out with this antiethetical thing.. where you can't even imagine it was made by the same person.. 

I don't know.. you know maybe this is just a mental health song.. like something you do to process what you're going through...   

ehh.. but i'll no doubt mention here when I get something going... or do something or whatever.