bigdeepmind's blog: "thy great and powerful blog"

I'm having a meta moment.. by which I mean.. I'm sorta looking at myself, trying to make sense of myself... and seeing "yeah, no, I don't think I'm like the others?"

I'm looking at my relationships with women. I sorta don't feel like there's a lot of spaces I can totally safely talk about this subject in any depth.. and.. this seems like an ok space for it.. so.. yeah, lets do this.

One of the things I've observed is that.. online... there's women around me? It's not, at least as far as I know, any kind of romatic or sexual thing.. though sometime there are vibes.. but i mean mostly it doesn't feel that way.. but just that there are these women around me.. that i don't actually interact with all that much.. but it's like.. they're just "my supporters?" 

In my away from the computer life.. it's kinda like that too.. like it's a feeling that there's women around me for who... are maybe just routing for me? 

If you're a women.. and we have a thing.. you MIGHT think there's a shit ton of competition.. on account of this strange phenomonon.. but it's not like that really.

My last girlfriend was.. well really kind of a preditor.. and was jealous of the women around me.. and she ended up interacting with an x girlfriend of mine.. from, like.. I don't know.. more then 20 years ago. When I say she's kinda like an x girl friend.. we might have been a thing for a month.. but what was crazy was the way this x of mine was protective of me. She's married.. has kids.. I'm not intending to be a home wrecker to her family or anything.. but she'll still tell me she loves me.. that she's in love with me.

AND, frankly.. I've been through some hard times and it was crazy the number of women.. I had in one way or another been with in the past.. coming out of the woodwork.. being supportive of me. Like the first girl I was ever sorta involved with.. from 8th grade.. or the women who might have been my first girl friend but turned out to be a lesiban.. so like.. probably not the ideal match for me.

But I mean.. they are all showing me parts of myself that I had forgotten about.

And even now... like in my more recent history... there's what seems to go on with women in... sorta like mating-esk contexts?

I say mating-esk because.. when was the last time I had a date? There is no mating anything going on for me.. I've been attending to other areas of my life... but there's just kinda how I am?

So like.. on an erotic kinda level.. like this can be the thing that totally takes over.. driving my mate selection.. but it's never like.. the erotic exists in some kind of silo for me.. or that it's not connected to the rest of me.. and so how the rest of me feels effects the erotic.. and it's sorta about this question of what can you give yourself too, I guess?

That sounds like such an un male thing to say... as if as a male you're not supposed to give but instead take? I don't know.. I don't understand what normal people think about gender rolls.. 

Well maybe here's what I would say.. if you want to have an incredible erotic experience.. like I think you have to give yourself to it.. like it can't just be some kinda status quo thing.. and for that.. there needs to be more then the erotic? BUT, I mean.. the erotic is the rest of you too? It's like the compartments and categories we put stuff into.. isn't alway helpful for understanding certain things?

But I mean it's like.. how mindful are you of building relationships? 

Like.. by default.. I feel it's important to build relationships where there's space for you to be you.. whatever the TF you is.

A key part of it is "whatever TF you is"... what I mean is what we are are these "becoming" creatures.. we are alway transforming, evolving, changing.. .we are always more then our ideas of our selves.. more then other people's ideas of our selves.. it's all a giant mystery.. and why not try and be open to... the positive that might be anywhere.. along the paths.. as they unfold for us?

I'm not sure if I'm driving at this well.

I also think.. for me.. around love and the erotics there's this kind of sacred feeling I have.. I don't know if this isn't because "err, this is where babies come from?" Like this aspect of human sexuality confuses me a little? Like.. we have so much reliable controception then.. one can forget.

But I mean.. it is to leave space for possible becoming... 

I think with romantic love.. there's this idea of romantic love as something that can lead you to unmet parts of your own soul.. and I feel it as if there is this kind of love quest... that's one of the quests you can take in life... 

ERrr... I feel like I need to say something dark?

I think.. there's something in human struggle... I think the plight of modern people is like... there are ways where life has become too easy.. like we don't have enough stuggle.. and then ways where there's probably too much struggle.. that the sorta makes our struggle.. something we aren't well fitted too.. in the same way that.. if you go back a few thousand years in history.. we were evolutionary fitted.. a whole lot better.. to the struggles of life..

So I see this as sorta like.. a part of a uniquely modern challenge of being a human.. 

So this love quest... it's a if... because of the nature of our unfittedness to modern struggles and lack there of.. that we are more likely to miss out on.. the great quests.. in some sense.

I mean it might be that most humans, throughout history, never went on great quests.. it might be that I'm romanticizing the past in someway... but I none the less think it helps clarify the modern problem.. 

Ehh.. I'm feeling like I should post this.. and get on with whatever else I need to be getting on with in my day... without really finishing my thought or bringing it to a really interesting conclution.. I guess it just is what it is?